I couldn't believe it I am finally settling down.
I couldn't believe in I am finally listening to someone with none or the littlest doubt, that is my lovely wife to be, Nurain.
By nature, I am very very stubborn, I usually would want it my way but this time round I guess I've changed a little.
I guess marriage is much more than just love...it's a life long 'contract' and commitment. It's taking a vow to stand by the one you love for the rest of your life. I envy some couples I witness, even through thick and thin, even though the other half is a little dysfunctional he still stood by her. Respect to that, I guess the undying hope he puts on his other half.
2 more days, frankly, not boasting but very few things gives me fear and gosh this is one of them...It's nothing compared to getting stitches, going to the OT many times, breaking your finger, crashing and loosing consciousness, being left alone with the supernatural, an attacking psychiatric patient....LoL ok I can go on and on...you get the picture...the fear is however subtle, it doesn't get you but it lingers...it's like a thin-line between fear and worry, I'd rather a fear that stares you straight in the eye than one that lingers around and plays hide and seek with you....
Anyways, wish me luck guys and thanks a million to pals and family for the support. Love y'all. Only God knows how appreciative I am of you guys. Hey beneath the blatant guy I am, I do have emotions you know and to some of ya, you guys don't know me yet.
Taaaa......
Surreal
feel honored
i feel honored come saturday.....
my late grandpa's brother coming down from malacca.
my cousins from JB coming down...
my step-sister from Jakarta coming down...
and of course Ibu' Yanti and Dad from Solo-Indonesia...
for my wedding day....All Hail the KING! LoL!
No matter...
No matter how many times I profess how much I love you,
No matter how I confessed how I kept thinking about you when we're apart...
All doesn't matter cos frankly I don't know how to describe this feeling that is so strong, that I never felt before.
A commitment I took, without the littlest fear, I went straight to ask for your hand. So sure I was, that what others said, others think doesn't even matter cos yes, like what you said before what matters most is what we know what's in our heart, mind and soul.
To the interferences, funny but I would like to say thanks cos at the end of the day, I long for her more each day. I can't wait for the day whereby we'd have no barriers of being together everyday, whereby external parties have no say about our relationship, whereby the ties are tied with a dead knot.
And because of you too, I realized that some things are not worth fighting and now my task is to fight for you for I will take the vow to protect thee, to make sure of your well being, to make sure you are away from harm, loved, have food to eat, have a roof over our heads while we sleep, have clothes to change and many more.
For I was prepared to take all these responsibilities, I should just ditch all the toils of fighting for the truth, pride and rights for it doesn't matter if it doesn't kill me for God knows best and you my love, you understand me most and nobody else can and I hope you will continue understanding me.
I hope we will guide each other in the journey we will embark together, I hope you will steer this vessel we will be on if I am reckless enough to go the wrong way. We have equal rights in this, we will share this path and it is only right we will have equal control like we always have.
I still remember the times when you defended me, you fight for me in a subtle way.
I still remember when you pick me up, when you console me like you are comforting a child.
I still remember when you tried to calm me down, your touch calms the savage beast within me waiting to be released to defend and fight.
I still remember that look of yours.
Continue what we had love, what we always had.
I love you, like I said, words are only words, only God knows how I feel about you, what goes through my mind, how my heart delays a beat whenever I look into your eyes, whenever I held your hand.
Thank you love for being with me and soon we'll be tied to be together forever, InsyahAllah.
Are we human?
Are we human or are we dancers?
Merely dancing along to the sounds that came from the 'speakers'.
wrong bus home #2
this is the 2nd time i took the wrong bus home....maklumla slalu brar brur naik moto(mom likes to say that).
anyways, on top of the extra exercise i get(which i always needed) it also give me some 'me-time' and sometimes that means self reflection or time to think about what people had said to me. well, for today....i think what ain said was right, why bother what others think about? whats most important is we know ourselves whats happening and we saw, not a pair of eyes in fact 2 pairs plus a pair of specs...LoL...anyways yeah she's right, i got more things to worry about, more important things...heh :) that will probably bring us to the next entry which i will only start tomorrow! cos today i need some sleep cos tumoro morning shift and i wanna see cute yaqyn for the first time, kesian besok kene cukur rambut...hehehehe....tataaa people....
I'm Yours
I love you with all my life. I want to say it out to the world thru this entry. I never knew I'd be this 'mushy' before with the toughie me I try to uphold always. Life has always been a fight for me but with you around, I am much more mellow.
When I found you, I just knew it and I did not hesitate. As time passes on, through many hurdles we skipped, tears shed, laughter filled the air, almost all emotions we had with each other and still we are strong like superglue. We are just simply stitched together and I bet nobody can remove this stitch which had already grown into the flesh.
Sometimes situations shook us, test us and drive us to the ground but we pull each other up. It's either you or me, we share equal tasks of saving ourselves, nobody and really nobody can come between us. How close or how hard they tried, we both came to our senses and realized, we were made for each other.
God made me wait almost decade since I discovered love to finally find you my real love. It's well worth it and the effort I never complained.
I gotta thank God(Alla s.w.t) on top of all and the people around us who helped make it happen and the people who tried to break and create havoc as well cos in fact you guys made us stronger. All is forgiven, all is forgotten.
I wanna start 2010 afresh, no sadness, no negativity, working to a better life. Help me through this God, Help me through this love, Help me through this friends(& family).
Love to all.Peace!
Been Awhile
Been awhile since there's an entry. Busy la, what to do...hehehe. Well not really busy just that the amounting anxiety and stress.
But hey there's some promising news coming up, I thought it'll be quite a some if the rumors are true but hey with my wish list and the upcoming wedding, it's not much already and plus there's Fathi's and (future)Mother-in-law's birthday. Gotta get something, one of course is my brother whom is having not a splendid childhood but of course better than mine and the other the one who takes me as the son-in-law with open arms. A small gift would just be right as a sign of appreciation and love.
I will resist to prevent my desires(wants) consume me, else I will definitely splurge.
I thought of getting my siblings a pc but I will wait till the confirmed news is out. If it is true, MAYBE I'll be getting them a pc, so Fathi's birthday present is pretty much covered BUT if I cannot afford that, probably just a makan session and then shop for his hp.
I also have to remember to put aside to pay for the balance hidden costs for the wedding, like photography, car, sound system. That alone amounts to 1k. Can you believe it? And I have to also bear in mind the 'honeymoon' trip and expenses for January.
Heheh it's pretty scary in fact....I think I can manage but I have to really put aside all the wants....LoL and not forgetting, tires and engine oil need a change soon....
And I almost forgot, I still haven't got my last outfit! LoL....
thoughts
~'I welcome my enemies as I welcome my friends but pardon me when I have to take a stand'
I don't bite, unless you do, I am not hostile unless you are.
And thanks I am learning from you, so pardon me, I am just what you want me to be. Don't blame me.
:)
Freedom
I believe in rights or rather the freedom to choose, because of that, I will compromise and because of that I will also not complain of some of the negativity that lingers. Because everyone have their own right/freedom to do/think what ever they want.
Surfs up
Was about to go channel surfing as I beat my own rule(no rice after 7pm), then the grandparents(cousins' grandparents) came home...they went out for a walk. I respect that old man for still loving his wife so dearly, going for walks, pushing her wheelchair quite frequently....almost daily.
The wife went to bed and he decided to join me, the sinetron ended and I just let him have the remote and let him watch whatever he wants. He switches on to 'forum perdana'... I shan't bore you with details but the jizz of it is: 'be thankful with what you have, 'bersyukur' in other words but that doesn't mean you stop trying right? Just that what you couldn't have, what's beyond your reach, don't fret over it.
Then after it ended, as usual...I admit I am a facebook addict partly cos my pals always post interest videos or links which of course ultimately lead me to youtube surfing. Today Jai posted a video of a one handed fmx rider. Respect goes to that guy, his determination and will power, remarkable. Clearly shows, where there's a will, there's a way. Just like the example the Prof. gave in 'forum perdana', why did the man goes fishing when he very well knows its easier to get at the market? because of love, he's willing to go through all the trouble and be patient, waiting the whole night and sometimes he even goes home without any fish and yet still he comes back another day with his rod.
I just dislike(I wanted to use 'hate') when the runny nose season is in! There's a period of time when my histamines are hyperactive...I'd go sneezing and dripping at the slightest exposure to dust or cold....Is it because I don't have a proper balance diet or that multi-vits is not as good as one I previously took(centrum). IDK. I just hope to be a 100% again, so that I can further train my endurance and my goals for 2010! I just hope when I am back, the lazy bug haven't set in yet....hahahaha
Ok la wanna watch a dvd till I get sleepy.....Gnite peeps.
P.S. don't stress yourself out over nothing.
Changes
Everybody change, no doubt about it, in a way or another. Sometimes its just sad that people change because of what they hear and not change because of what they internally feel or know but chose to hear it blindly without investigating. What to do, they chose that way, so like it or not I accept it(the change) and adapt to it. We can't expect everybody to remain the same all his life right? Some change for the better, some get influenced, some get worse. It'll take time for them to realize, like some of my relatives for instance which I shan't mention. Then again, I believe in God, the one and only and I believe still there is justice whether now or 'later'.
It's just that in this world now, sometimes its as though we have to put on bullet-proof jackets backwards. If you get the drift. At work, I don't know why this fellow is attempting to do so and create havoc amongst us colleagues, I don't see his purpose and I think he's just confused just like the first fellow(ouh he didn't create havoc but i feel he is confused) I mentioned. Or maybe he is overwhelmed with new information and get influenced by it without investigating. I know this fellow at work is good at heart but its just that his actions is stirring havoc but I am glad many of us realize and we speak openly and all came to a consensus that what he did is not right. That's what happens when we all open up and speak with a clear mind and listen and not be blinded by some untrue facts or denials. I am glad though my colleagues are able to do that, if not I guess many will find the workplace an unpleasant one. I am glad though my NM knows whats happening. Thank God. Ouh do be warned, the walls not only have ears now! They own mobile phones....LoL!
Currently, I am glad though many things is coming to a happy ending. Many of my friends is getting hitched(just like me teeeheeee). Even Leo who once mentioned he never thought of marriage but I guess when you found the perfect one for you, everything change, right Leo? hehehe... And I am glad too that Halem is once again happy with Yati, alhamdullilah....as long as you are happy my friend, so am I. This year 2009, brings about many good things, Alhamdullilah as compared to past years. I hope the following years will be better as I feel we might be the last few generations who will get to enjoy this earth which is slowly graying and dying due to civilization. I just hope the brains of the worlds can save what humans have destroyed unknowingly...InsyahAllah, so that future generations can survive and enjoy the earth.
Back to my life now(after all its my blog, so it has got to be about me right? hehehe) Currently, my only concern is that everything goes well on 2nd January, it's mainly for mom, it's more like her dream to see the wedding of her eldest son, the one she brought up single-handedly. For me, I just want a happy future, a family of my own and of course spend the rest of my life with my love, Nurain. I just hope for health and happiness. Anyways, I really hope everything will go as planned, if anyone have any plans to ruin it please turn back and spare my mom a thought. :)
Good night peeps....ouh I hope Ain will recover from the conjuctivitis soon cos' I miss her so.....:)
till date.
Till date, I still live my dream and hopes it'll be a reality one day. To do what I love as a living, totally love, like as in I'd enjoy every single sec of it.
It's not that I do not like my current job. In fact I love it. It's just that sometimes you have no say, you have to follow, even though 'we' know what is right or rather a better way of doing things. I enjoy my current job, it's just that it has it's limitations. If I am my own boss, I govern my own progression, my own development and I am fully responsible for everything. It is tough I know but I think I will like it better but one big worry is the tendency to slack off when we are a little comfortable, probably that's why sometimes it's better to be employed.
As before, I always wanted to try it part time first. As of today, I have yet still to find out what I wanna do. But meanwhile I am looking for avenues to earn extra income to fund my so-called 'dreams'. I am not wishing to be rich(of course everyone would love to be), I just want to be a master of my own and push myself to the limits, like racing and running.
I have only one in mind right now in order to get that extra income. Real-estate. It is something new but I guess it is the more flexible option with less hassle as compared to some other I have given a try. It is more like an individual thingy, whereby if you don't earn your 'pasal' and you won't feel like an outcast of a 'group'. And of course it's flexibility also means I can juggle full-time job and family come next year.
I don't care if any say I am too ambitious and I might just be dreaming. I feel everything starts with a dream. Even if I don't ultimately make it a reality, I know I have given it a shot, in fact more than once and is still trying. At least I won't leave this world knowing I did not try.
Love Ya Frens
It's been some time since we hung out, though the movie suck last night, you guys make my day. Love ya all.
Today I played the sick role....I hate being sick, I hate to go on MC(surprisingly when I am really sick). I hate not being able to do things and just lay myself dead on this king-size mattress. I hate not being resilient to viral attacks. I just hate feeling so weak. I can't imagine those down with terminal illness, I can't imagine those with disabling chronic diseases like heart-related problems, COPD, etc. Kudo's to you guys for staying life, keep going on and still functional to your own respective roles, some a father, some a son, some a beloved wife who run chores daily that I'd never enjoy doing. Because of all these people I shall not brood over just a common flu that brought me down.
Tomorrow if I am well enough, I will kick back with my Tampines-Pasir Ris-Tampines route. I just gotta loose that gut, really, daily dose of polished delicious white rice is not helping, gotta loose that too, I'll substitute with whole grain loaves and oats. Just one month left, I'll do what I can.
My love, I miss you so much. Hope you have a great day today with your friends. Tomorrow I meet you ok?
Hahahahha
Farnie.....
Anyways yesterday was a really long day man....
The first half of the day was with the in-laws, ain, shikin(her sister) and their 2 adorable nephew and niece.
Morning: ROMM to confirm our registeration
Afternoon: Lunch at BK followed by to caterer's house in Woodlands to make downpayments.
Evening: Ain's auntie'a place in Bedok to give out invitations and MAKAN! LoL followed by to NTUC cos Ain's mom needed to get Haziq's milk powder.
By 7-ish in the bus, I was already dozing off a little as I was dead tired only to be awaken by nelly's voice...LoL. Maghrib and then left for swensen's bugis cos they wanted to give taibah her birthday present. Had ice-cream! Ok that's like a reward for the day. LoL
Left at about 10.30pm? or maybe slightly later. DEAD tired already but Ratnor smsed earlier asking to join him skate, has been unable to join him so many times, so I thought why not, maybe for an hour, since the weather is good and I am already out. But hey the skate session was a little refreshing....sorry dear I have to abandon you but lucky you had a book with you to read while this two overgrown 'boys' enjoy themselves at the skatepark!
I think yesterday's annual leave was really well spent, managed to squeeze in all in one day!
Not A Racist.
LoL....nothing the title has nothing to do with what I am going to write.
After browsing through forums and webbies...I realize there is still passion in me for photography and racing alike. It's just that time and money doesn't allow me to do so. Probably later, in the near future. Wifey, you'd still let me right? hehehehe...
If I have the luxury of doing so, definitely I will cos I know my potential is way of what I had done before. Of course la I know I won't win any maybe a hopeful third or 5th as long as I get to the podium is good enough but then again its not totally about winning. It is about pushing one self, realizing your limitations and at the same time your perseverance and endurance perhaps. Next year, I will participate in as many as I can, not racing lah(cos racing needs moolahs) but runs. It does me good, although I don't see my waistline decreasing but I am alot alert nowadays and I last longer. Apart from being a little more healthier with a stronger heart it also tests my determination. And I do feel too, in this runs/races your mental tolerance/endurance is stretched and pushed to the limits. Over time you get mentally stronger and boy it does play apart in daily life believe me.
I am glad, I have a running partner...thanks for being mine. :) and this running partner of mine is going to be my life partner as well! How convenient is that. We just completed 10km together, half marathon next year maybe? hehehehe
Kla napping awhile before going off to ROMM for that dreaded I dunno what interview. Its more like fear of the unknown now...
Crap
hahaha crap just crap......in life we have choices, you don't have to do if you don't want to but if you need to cos it means to earn a living, thats different.
or for instance reservist...no choice...LoL....last time the boys like to say 'Lan-lan'
Mom you've been wonderful, I think till today you are still the one who understands me best. Sorry Ain, you second place....LoL....
With a month plus left....I admit, I am kinda nervous, I hope everything goes well cos we really kicked it off all by ourselves and lucky nuff along the way people offered us help. Thank God it lessen the burden. And along the way too unnecessary issues popped out too but am glad all is solved.
I can't wait for a life of my own, my own home, my own family and I bet I'd be very occupied starting off this new life, so way before anything start, I hope my dear friends understands, let us settle everything first, settle down a little and be a little comfortable first. Different people have different pace, style and ways of doing things, you have to accept that not everyone can juggle everything alongside responsibilities and all.
Kla, kinda tired, tumoro got interview at ROMM...wonder what they'll ask...hehehe
Ouh I think I need a haircut....it's neither long nor short and its getting irritating... LoL
urbanized
I'm glad we had the talk last night, I'm glad we opened up. Solved alot of misunderstandings.
Anyways, she said I should go ahead and try Urbanathlon but of course the entry is rather pricey @$128. And right now, my wallet's in shackles and locks but sure it is tempting. I just want to test my self, my endurance, my perseverance, my limits. While I am young and able, I'd love to try.
The other issue is one of the obstacles, everything else is alright, can be done though the 12.5km might weaken me. It is the wall that is the problem, I had difficulty when I was in army, even when I was wearing those army boots with supposedly more traction and does make me a little taller by probably and inch? LoL....where can I find 1.8m walls to train? I just don't wanna get stuck at that particular obstacle.
Here are the obstacles in Urbanathlon:
Obstacle 1: Jumping Start
Leap across five rows of road barricades.
Your task is as follows:
1. Get up and over each of the five 1-metre high barricades.
2. Both feet MUST touch the ground between each barricade.
Obstacle 2: Wall Street
Scale a 1.8m high wall and get to the other side.
Your task is as follows:
1. Get up and over the wall.
2. You are NOT permitted to use any outside support structures.
Obstacle 3: Monkey Business
Swing across the 6m long monkey bars, to get from one side to the other.
1. You must traverse the monkey bars and get to the other side without touching the ground.
2. You must use each of the 12 rungs as you make your way to the other side. No skipping rungs.
3. Once you have successfully completed the monkey bars, you may continue on with the course.
4. If you are unsuccessful in your first attempt, you are required to make another attempt and queue behind other participants for your turn.
5. If your second attempt proves unsuccessful, Race Staff will direct you to the penalty area, where you will be required to complete 12 push-ups before being permitted to continue on with the event.
Obstacle 4: Corporate Ladder
Ascend and descend a 6-storey high flight of steps twice.
Your task is as follows:
1. You will follow a marked route to the top of the flight of stairs.
2. If you encounter participants in the right lane (aka the “fast lane”) who are moving at a slower pace, please call out, “On your right.” As a courtesy, all participants are required to move to the left when they hear this.
Obstacle 5: Tyred Out
Run through a row of tyres without stepping on the tyres or skipping any tyres.
Your task is:
1. Run a row of tyres “stutter-step” style, touching the ground inside of each consecutive tyre.
2. You are free to select any row of tyres you desire in each stutter-step section. A “row” is defined as two tyres wide by eight tyres long.
3. You are NOT permitted to skip a tyre or run on top of the tyres.
4. Failure to adhere to these rules will require that you redo the obstacle from the beginning.
Obstacle 6: Leap of Faith
Leap off a platform into the Kallang river and wade through shallow waters back to land.
Your task is as follows:
1. Leap off a wooden platform into waters around 1 metre deep. No diving is allowed.
2. Wade 30 metres through shallow waters to the beach. No swimming is allowed.
Obstacle 7: Down & Dirty
Crawl through a large mud pit and run to the finish line in a blaze of glory!
Your task is as follows:
1. Leopard crawl under a net 0.5 metres high through a 10-metre mudpit.
Urbanathlon 2010
Tempted.....wifey-to-be, should I? Do you think I can complete the race? The wall is my greatest fear! Check out Men's Health Urbanathlon!
Life-savers
"...if anyone saved a life, it's as if he saved the life of all mankind.." ~ Qur'an, 5:32
lazy, lethargic
Feel so lazy and lethargic these days....
Probably cos of the preparations and more like mentally drained of having to think about so many things and to ensure nothing cocks up on the actual day.
I need that run this week.....my last run was last tuesday....need it to expel all this lazy bug out and the weakling feeling....
Fooh but I am glad though almost settled....I can safely say so...
Few things need to settle:
1. fold and put the cards into envelopes + sending out.
2. discuss with Jai(my vw driver) and place deposit maybe.
3. pack all the gifts for the hantaran
4. final discussion with MSS for the decor and final deposit.
5. discuss with my aunties for their various contributions to be put together.
6. photoshoot with Haiqal
7. review playlist by Leo(thnks dude and congrats)
Ouh congrats Leo & Mar on their engagement....it's about time Leo!
Hahahaha ok see ya guys, time for my caffeine fix.
Yeayness
Yeayness, I did again at 5minutes faster plus I met Mr.Nathan towards the end. And of course ended it all with a huge breakfast! Hotcakes & sausage plus ice-cream on top! Woohooo....
The first 5 was a breeze...then after the 7th mental fatigue sets in but the rock and roll on the ipod kept me pushing, then after the 8th I saw Mr.President and his bodyguard, we said good morning to each other and the last 1km the hotcakes was my motivation, I thought to myself I gotta earn that hotcakes and wala I finished the 10, I did it again! This time at 5minutes faster! wooohooo...I hope I can achieve my goal next year!
motivational thoughts
if i can do it a few days ago, i can do it again. if i can do it a few days ago, i can do it again. if i can do it a few days ago, i can do it again. go go go......
Freak
Can you imagine the first runner? He like ran 10km in about 31mins and he is the first by far in Singapore and around the world of those who participated in the Human Race. Freak! LoL.....
racist
I was called a racist.....'you see color is it?' screamed my patient pointing at his skin. I was furious because that's not what I am. In fact some of my favorite patients comes from all races. I hate it when someone accuses me of what I am not. being me just naturally me, I guess the way I was brought up, I explain how am I not, being a patient, he got agitated, I left him, that's how it works...he flared up, I'd like to do the same but hey he's a patient, not worth it. At the end of the day before I left, that particular patient approached me at his own will, apologized and hugged me, I can't believe my eyes welled up a little at his sincerity. At work, I can be firm but when they are at their best behaviors, I am more like their friend and someone they'd wanna talk to....some know me by 'Muhammad', 'Sidek', 'Baba' or even 'Abdullah'. Whatever they call me, I believe I am always fair to them, even the most irritating one. From my personal experience, although they are residents of where I work, when it comes to sincerity you can feel it alright. It is something remarkable Allah s.w.t has provided us with....for after all, all of us are human beings, only some disadvantaged in certain aspect...
Green Day coming to town!
Green Day coming to town in January and I hope they play the old skool stuffs. I don't really like the new green day.
Thnks Yan
My future sis-in law came up with this design, I merely edited, adjusted and custom it to fit my 4 fold A4 paper wedding invitation card type. Why? Save the environment! LoL but on a serious note, budget constraints and I prefer DIY cos you save lots and you get what you like. Pretty simple but I like!
My own, which I think will be used for my relatives, the previous for friends.
Theres also for my lomo peeps...hehehe
and the pigeons one which I cant seem to be able to upload. will try again.
gnite peeps...
Ahli Fiqir
Hehehe...Ahli Fiqir pon I like! hehehe cos of their lyrics and catchy beats partly. The fusion of classic music with hip hop is really cleverly done. The malay proverbs they add in to their lyrics also amazingly blend in. And what's more their song is something we all can relate to. Just like the previous video I posted, 'Angguk2 Geleng2'.
BEP
hahaha I don't really like most mainstream music due its sole effort to sell records and thus lose the real touch, they are more concern about getting people to hear their records I feel(at times lah). But anyways this one is a good one to run to, hehehe maybe will be part of my run list. This morning it just keeps the adrenalin pumping positive somehow.....:) plus the video's pretty cool! =) and fergie's hot! Lol
Alhamdullilah
Allhamdullilah, clearly AllahuAkbar. God is great, I passed 27/30, pretty good for a first try. When I went to work a kind soul actually told me what to expect and what roughly they would ask, I read thru yest but now I know where to focus on and his tips were very fruitful although I can say the test was pretty easy cos most of them came back to mind with ease. It's amazing how even a non-muslim can actually be so kind to a muslim and I didn't even ask, I merely asked him where the venue of the test is, he offered help. Thank God.
I said before the horoscope section is more like an entertainment to me but at times it coincidentally matches with what is going on. Like for today, gee its like a sign of what exactly I should do. Of course I am not taking guidance from a mere horoscope, it is wrong to do so in Islam but in my prayers I did ask for help and maybe this is just the help I needed, a sign, a suggestion I could use.
This was what appeared on the Life section of the Straits Times. I am amazed of its relevance by God's will this purely coincidental incident does tally.
Capricorn-'An odd comment comes your way, most likely pretty late, that you need to force yourself to ignore -- or at least to see the lighter side of! You've got the maturity to handle it, and things should settle down soon.'
Even a good friend of mine that I seek yesterday told me, simmer down and take that insult as a constructive criticism. Thanks dude.
I think I have to teach my loved ones to ignore as well, although its easier said than done but I guess and I hope itd work that way. Let them enjoy their fun, let them enjoy their feast but we shall not be eaten alive. When it reaches there we WILL defend ourselves. Even our last Prophet Muhammad said something like " ....Do not oppress and DO NOT BE OPPRESSED" I guess there is a time when we have to stand up.
And lastly again said by our last prophet:
"It is unworthy of a Muslim to injure people's reputation; it is unworthy to curse anyone; it is unworthy to abuse anyone; and it is unworthy of a Muslim to talk vainly."
— Prophet Muhammad
"Do not say that if the people do good to us, we will do good to them and if the people oppress us, we will oppress them but determine that if people do good to you, you will do good to them and if they oppress you, you will not oppress them."
— Prophet Muhammad
“Say what is true, although it may be bitter and displeasing to people."
— Prophet Muhammad
:)
At least there were some smiles today. I really can't bear seeing my wifey-to-be tearing. I kept wondering what have we done or rather I done this time round to deserve all this nonsense? And as usual, it's denial once again, the tables turned and we are the ultimate criminal eh? Alah, biarkan lah, nanti dah penatkan diam but of course la I can't take it to see my dear one to be affected. I am affected as well, I am pissed seh, what did I do to deserve an insult? I thought I made peace eons ago?
Anyways this blog is meant for me to say what I feel or rather ventilate. Yes I admit I did something wrong awhile ago but I don't see what have I done to deserve what WE are getting now. It hurts much more for my dear one to be pulled into the ditch. It hurts much more to see her tearing, sometimes I feel its my fault. I even asked one of my close fren do I really belong to that extreme category? that I deserve such an insult? I thank God my bunch of friends are not like that, although they utter nonsense half the time and the jokes they make some would find it weird or even rude but they are the most sensible bunch on earth. Simple, I said I have something important, they understood and accept my explanation and even counter offered if I can join halfway thru. Salut to them, Love you people. I guess they know what I am going thru and did went thru so thats why but then again I think they are just kind bunch of people.
I'm glad the bond we made in our relationship were so strong that this 'test' actually made us stronger. As a husband-to-be naturally I will defend her of course if she had done nothing wrong. We don't take sides and I myself had received a dose from her myself. I am tired of explaining how we are. It's just that I don't understand what had we done to deserve all this and I hate that recurring migraine for something so unnecessary. In the first place I repeat, what had we done? Is it wrong to be a little uncomfortable, a little more careful and honest? Still in my mind, what had we done wrong to deserve all this???
Frankly I'd apologize if I did, I did before and I do not have any problem in doing so if I did wrong. I don't see why my close friends can understand me not turning up for a couple of meet ups they asked and some cannot. Can't they take no for an answer? Even sometimes I had to say 'no' to Ain cos either I am too tired or too many things to handle and sometimes we had to compromise like instead of town, we just stay put around the area. I think that's the understanding we have in some of us, that's why even now almost 15years down the road we are still friends. Of course there were bumpy roads in between but we always make peace after that.
God I wish I can sleep and lay down to rest but I can't help this troubling me. I wished we didn't even take notice and I pray to You God they'd be more understanding than to straight away hurl hurtful words and in the end we still end up as the criminals. I have had enough, please....I don't wanna whine anymore. My childhood wasn't pleasant so was growing up, now I am almost there to my happiness and you want to destroy it? Who in the right mind is not bothered if she is marrying someone whom ppl think negatively off? Although wrongfully accused still, its an accusation, still the label is there yet AGAIN.
I am glad not all are like that, I am glad that some are sensible enough to figure out maybe we are just plain busy. I am glad some can take no for an answer. And I am glad that some of my friends are pro-choice, meaning allowing us to have a choice. I am glad I still have friends who are concerned and bring me to calm and told me an insult can be a constructive criticism.
I am sure God the Almighty will show us the way. I am sure there's a way although my positivity side is almost gone already, it was on the way up after receiving promising replies on first Shawal but I guess all those now is just flushed down the toilet. Tonight I go to sleep, please show me if it is me who had done wrong. If it is me, I am sorry all and including my dear Ain. If it is not me please show them that we had not done anything wrong to deserve this and never did we not tell the truth about us not being able to make it. For me, I think all this wouldn't had happened if I wasn't so naive to innocently thought what I did was ok back then.
So the question is, must we always comply, must we always please others to prevent ourselves from harm? Must we? Must we apologize for something we have not done? Must we be punished for something we had not done? I don't know la really.
Tomorrow's my e-test and I am not 1 bit bothered by it, instead I am still bothered by this issue, I am still bothered to see the look of my dear one's face, the tears welling up in her eyes and the creases the skin on her forehead forms as she tries to figure out why and tries to think of a solution and tries to instill some more positivity into me. Frankly if it's not for her, bye bye is the answer but I'd still try to keep it positive but I still can't help wondering what have we done to deserve that extreme end? And it's again coming from the same source, the only one.
Nurain, if not for your strength, I do not know what would have become of us. Alhamdullilah. Amin.
OMG
just came back from night duty....sorry leo can't join dinner...heh, thnks for asking anyways.
when i went online and heard what's going on, OMG in caps....ya'Allah kenapa la eh? apa salah kita siot? bertubi-tubi dia kasi, macam perang plak......aku dah kena tak puas, skarang pasangan aku pulak kene attack.....pelik, tapi benar...
aku hairan, betul2 hairan, tak sangka, betul2 tak sangka. tapi apakan daya, apa nak buat. biarkan sajalah, yng penting kita tau kita tak salah, yng penting aku tau pasanganku tak begitu sepertimana tuduhan yng dikenakan.
inilah dunia, apa nak buat, terima je la...cubaan....
sebut2 cobaaan teringat plak filem p.ramlee.....shahreil amcams ada p.ramlee marathon kat rumah kau one day? bagui tak idea aku? hehehehe....
okla nak main bejeweled japs, pas tu nak bobok....bangun kene study, besok ada test. betul test, kau tak salah dengar....aku cakap aku sibok kau tak percaya, nak pasang camera per kat bontot aku baru percaya? LoL......umur dah masuk 30 pun masih ada periksa, november ada presentation lagi kene siapkan, tak termasuk persiapan perkahwinan, tapi pasal nak dapat kat sponsor untuk advance diploma aku, terpaksa la buat sebaik2nye....insyahallah dapatlah sponsor...hehehehehe doakan la eh kawan2... terima kasih. Amin!
perlukah?
To think that the recent headaches(some unnecessary) came from close ones(one even blood related). It is really necessary? to pretend? I don't know la but all I know is I never step on anyone's foot so why am I appearing like the bloody ones with horns and a pitch fork? Anything wrong with being reserved and careful? Anything wrong with trying to settle all that I have now before coming back? Don't anyone understand that I plan my own wedding, hunt for everything pretty much myself, save up myself(of course some of my aunties lighten my burden a little by sponsoring stuffs such as kompang). Why can't anyone understand?
If anyone can be back to normal as if nothing happened after an incident immediately. Whoah but for me it takes time, I said before and working shifts doesn't help either. So does working shifts makes me the devil? Does being unable to comply and please others makes me the devil? Does not going to something you wouldn't enjoy make you the fucken devil? WTH. Hanya Tuhan Sahaja yang tahu.
I don't know la, there's lots on my mind to think about right now, getting married is not an easy thingy especially when ure handling it urself. But if people choose to not understand and think negatively, so be it. Aku dah tak kuasa, dah penat. Skarang nie pon mengigil tak tau asal, mungkin karena dihina, mungkin karena disalah sangka, mungking kerana dituduh pemutus silahturahim. Aku hanya mampu mengeluh kepada Dia sahaja.
Ntahla cheetah.....aku pon tak tau apa nak jadi. Cuba jadi neutral tapi kena macam2, pernahkah mereka cerminkan kata2 yng mereka pernah lepaskan? Kita boleh menipu orang lain, tapi menipu diri sendiri tidak mungkin. Kalau omputeh cakap apa tu, conscience?
Do we have to comply just to 'sedapkan' hati orang ramai? Do we? If I had something more important should I cancel it to 'sedapkan' hati orang? If it is something I do not like doing would I still comply and not say what I think? In the first place was I given a chance to do so, say what I think? I think not. So why the accusations and insults? Is it even necessary?
Me and Ain, even as a couple we take our stand. She say what she thinks of what I am doing is not right, being human it takes me a little time to analyze and after I know clearly what she is trying to say and knows that I am at fault, I apologize and try to make things better. I too do tell her what I do not like and I do make my stand and if its negative, she'd point out. The thing is both of us is so used to being frank to each other and how can that be we can't handle the truth? Do not say what you do not know is going on. Clarify before loading your machine guns with hurtful ammos. I had my say. I am just hurt, I guess the apologies that came from my heart, pagi raya doesn't even mean a thing to everyone.
By the way if you think NurAin lies, this is what I think she deserves my name more than anyone else, Siddiq(yang benar/truth). I can't even remember when she last lied.
Grandpa
Ouh my grandpa's passed away and another is in JB.
I wanna talk bout my nenek's brother in law? I call him Tok also lah. Last Monday was the first time I met him, he's still young I guess late 50s? Anyways what he said was an inspiration, funny we have similar thoughts. I have always wanted to be my own boss, in other words own something like a business or something. It's tough especially in Singapore. No I don't want to be in food business like some of my uncles although it can bring in quite a fair share but it's tough work and you'll miss out on alot of stuffs.
Anyways, Tok(I didnt get his name, sheesh) had similar thoughts like mine when he was young, he too back then was working as an employee. He too had dreams back then which he never thought he could do it but he kept keeping the dreams in the back of his head till one day he managed to pull it off and now living comfortably with quite a number of workers under his hand. It's all in the mind, he kept saying that. I'd like to be there too someday, hopefully, InsyahAllah. After our last prophet was a businessman himself.
Thank you Mom.
As Syawal approaches and as Ramadan comes to an end, I can't help thinking bout my imperfect family life. Since I was 2years old, I was raised mainly by my mother with the help of my grandparents. I've never felt what it is like to have a father and a mother under one roof. I've never experienced 'salam' and giving hugs to both parents when I leave for work or school. I've never experienced having dinner together as a whole family. Even when my mom remarried, I never felt that cos partly I was old enough to know he's not my dad and to makes things worse he never really take me as his own son.
I am sure my parents have valid reasons for their separation. I am sure it was for the best and probably things could be worse if they remained together. I am not blaming them nor I am angry against my fate. It is just that I envy those families and I wonder how it feels like to have a proper family.
Come next year, I'll have my own but not as a son but as a husband and probably a father as well in the near future, InsyahAllah. In MY family, I will want my kids to experience a proper family life not like mine. I want them to have all the opportunities they can have. I wanna make sure I can provide for them with whatever I can, in all aspect including love. I don't want them to feel neglected and feel not normal in society(although that's only how the narrow minded think). I hope I can achieve that and make a difference in the future blood line.
I pity my siblings, Hazimah and Hazmi for now they are living with their step father cos their mom(whom is my stepmom from my dad's 2nd marriage which failed) passed away early this year due to chronic diabetes. I am glad though they are doing fine and I am glad because of nenek we are still in touch. I hope they do not frown upon their fate but take it as a lesson to bring to their future so as to make it a better one. I know they are smart enough and strong enough to face all challenges. I know they can do it and I hope they seek my help should there be a need.
I feel that I wasn't really a good son but I do want to be the best and hope to be one. I know what my mom wants to see and I know she hopes for the best for me. I hope my mom don't worry too much cos her son here knows how to fend for himself and is on the correct route now. And believe me mom, your son here has got all his plans laid before him, InsyahAllah it'd all go well.
Thanks mom for the upbringing, the values you shared, the strength you passed to me, for without you, I don't think I am where I am now.
More good over bad part II
Yesterday, as I was thinking about how unpleasant my life was since young. Then came to me this wonderful thought that although my life was pretty unpleasant, I actually have some or more pleasant experiences in it. I was actually happy at some points of my life. Thanks to God for granting me the wonderful people around me.
I shall not whine about the unpleasantness in my life cos I don't see a point in doing so.
Thank God for the following that happened in my life:
-First of all thank God for the greatest mom in the whole wide world who brought me up single handedly and managed to get me to where I am today. Believe me, I am not an easy one to bring up.
-Thank God for my strong mental state to go through all the craps in life.
-Thank God I managed to get my 5 credits at O-level although I barely studied cos I don't care much back then.
-Thank God that I completed my Mechanical Engineering Diploma even though its not what I wanted.
-Thank God for being through some crap in army which in a way got me a little stronger mentally and physically.
-Thank God for the wonderful friends and people around me.
-Thank God for the horrible people around me who showed me how ugly we can become if I behaved like them.
-Thank God for a good friend-Iskandar and his mom for providing me with cheap accommodation when I decided I had enough with my step-father's nonsense.
-Thank God for nursing for it made me a better person and it gave me a stable job.
-Thank God for the many accidents that I escaped with minor injuries only.
-Thank God that I never went hungry all these years.
-Thank God for my cousin that offered me free accommodation.
-Thank God for interest in photography which led to the following.
-Thank God for Hairul and Ross and film-photography, if not for them, I wouldn't have met Ain.
And thank God for Nurain, it's definitely worth the wait and going through many unpleasant relationship experiences and of course thank God for the future life we'd be sharing which also probably means a new beginning to many more pleasant journeys. Insya'Allah.
More good over bad.
I was furious today at work, angry although I have to admit I was partly at fault. Then why be angry you may ask? It is because when my superior asked me for an explanation, he didn't really want to listen, in fact he pick out the mistakes from there and although acknowledge the correct things that I did, he really 'pinned' me down on my mistakes although I was not at total fault and I did the necessary to 'protect' myself from being liable. Urggghh...why bother asking when you do not want to listen, just tell me off lah, isn't that alot easier?
And please lah, I beg, you don't have to tailgate me everywhere I go just because I did a minor mistake a couple of weeks ago, which again the same thing happened, explanation refused and still insist on his idea on why it went wrong. I did say and for goodness sake, there's witnesses that I did my job and it was a pure mistake and not that I took shortcuts and neglect my duties. For goodness sake, I am 30years old not some new kid whom just completed school and on his first job. If I left my previous line to join this one, I must have made some serious considerations and I must have plans to make this my job till I retire. Don't you have that tiny part of your brain masses that have space to digest some other ideas/explanation/watever la.....
I'm fine if you pointed out my mistake, I would apologize if it is purely my mistake and will try not to repeat again. Perhaps the next time I should have recorded what I said and the sincere apology that I expressed then replay it again to remind you that I do admit fault if it is mine totally!
Although the incident today affected me, I thought to myself, I did manage to 'escape' and 'redo' in many occasion. So yeah I shall not brood over the few bad instances/experiences at work.
Now I will refuse to speak up my thoughts and ideas, if I have any, I will post it anonymously. I don't see any appreciation in doing so, I will only be doing it for the sake of good and benefit of me and my immediate colleagues.
Now I just hope I really have that drive to get a degree when I am able to(financially and mentally). Then, when the time is right, I wanna teach or if there is a better opportunity outside of Singapore, I'd leave if my other half is agreeable.
Alhamdullilah.
Alhamdullilah, to see the mosque filled up even on a rainy day. Alhamdullilah that many Muslim men are now flocking the mosque for Friday prayers even though it's in between their school time, work hours, etc. Thank God. Alhamdullilah they took this opportunity in Ramadan, the last 10days.
Too bad, Darul Ghufran at Tampines is a tad too small for its huge Muslim(cos there are plenty of non-malay muslims as well) community down here. Some had to brave the drizzle by praying outside in the field on canvas sheets.
But to those who chit-chat along the way not listening to the sermon, those kids who played with their games on their handphones(some sms) and one even played his PSP And to the selfish brothers who did not stand as close as possible to each other to close the gaps in the 'Saf' depriving space of the brothers behind, please be more kind and thoughtful, that little space of comfort space of yours can make space for one more brother who might not have space to even pray behind.
The Imam even said to the masses before the start of the sermon, even if you utter a single word during the sermon, your 'Ibadah' is not as those who listened. Friday prayers are accompanied with a sermon, to share amongst Muslim brothers messages or lessons that is useful and informative for us Muslims. If you talk(or not pay attention) means you loose out and not only that you disrupt the peace or even make other Muslim brothers hard to concentrate or listen even if they really want to. He also mentioned to 'rapatkan saf' meaning to close the gaps in between so that you can make space for the other Muslim brothers who might not have space behind.
I take this opportunity on this world wide web, as a chance to reach out to Muslims who is reading out there, spread the message to your male member in the family. Please spare a thought for brothers who came for the Friday prayers and not attending for the sake of attending. Please tell your kids if they want to play their games or chit chat please stay at home or at least pay respect if they still wanna come. Please dear Muslim brothers spare a thought about the people behind who might not have space, move yourself closer to the next person beside you so you can make space for one more in that row or maybe even more than one more brother.
Alhamdullilah to those who attended the Friday prayers but if you come for the sake of coming or because your parents told you so, at least spare a thought for the brothers behind who is deprived of space. I also hope that the masses today will keep coming more frequent so that in the long run, the authorities will take note and maybe build another mosque or just do an expansion. Because if the mosques is only filled up during Ramadan, I think they might have difficult time deciding to expand or even build another one cos they don't see a need. I hope this entry gets to the masses, Insyha'Allah.
Last but not least, Syukran for the space God provided me just now and thank you to the brother next to me for squeezing a little more, told the brother next to him to move and suggested me to adjust the position of the standing fan so I can have space. God will repay your kindness I am sure, Insya'Allah. Amin.
Help, I'm Alive
I tremble
They're gonna eat me alive
If I stumble
They're gonna eat me alive
Can you hear my heart beating like a hammer?
Beating like a hammer?
Help, I'm alive, my heart keeps beating like a hammer
Hard to be soft
Tough to be tender
Come take my pulse, the pace is on a runaway train
Help, I'm alive, my heart keeps beating like a hammer
Beating like a hammer
If you're still alive
My regrets are few
If my life is mine
What shouldn't I do?
I get wherever I'm going
I get whatever I need
While my blood's still flowing
And my heart still beats...
Beating like a hammer
Beating like a hammer
Help, I'm alive, my heart keeps beating like a hammer
Hard to be soft
Tough to be tender
Come take my pulse, the pace is on a runaway train
Help, I'm alive, my heart keeps
Beating like a hammer
Beating like a hammer
If you're still alive
My regrets are few
If my life is mine
What shouldn't I do?
I get wherever I'm going
I get whatever I need
While my blood's still flowing
And my heart still beats...
Beating like a hammer
Beating like a hammer
Beating like a hammer
Beating like a hammer
Help, I'm alive, my heart keeps beating like a hammer
Softie
No not Mr.Softee the ice-cream missed by many. It's me, that's me beneath the always 'fighting' self. I 'fight' for my rights, I still do although I mellowed down a little these days.
My eyes teared at certain things that touches the heart. For instance what Nyai-Asmah is going thru right now, 4 pints of blood and probably multiple medications to nurse her probable gastric ulcer. My mom who's everly facing unhappiness while I in 3 months will meet my happiness, I pray for you mom, I guess its about time God give you some space, some happiness, I know you are happy for mine but you need to have your own as well. I hope either that old man change or go away. For the rest whom I know is facing tough times as well, I hope God grant your wishes or show you the right way.
Today the thoughts of running was not fulfilled as I slept through soundly, probably the most sound 1hr of sleep I have ever had. I woke up afresh as though I slept 10hrs. Weird but true. I guess I'll drop the idea of running and fulfill that on Thursday morning. Must discipline myself, at least 3Km a week, if possible 3x3. I realized the lack of runs, makes my body lethargic and the pain in my knees returning. Somehow, the runs, keeps me going for some reason probably its my way of coping the shift work, probably what Ain said was true indeed.
Till date I still wanna live my dreams(although I am not really sure if I can make all of it a reality within my lifetime). To hell to those who might've gotten sick of me chanting that repeatedly in this blog. I raced, although I didn't get any trophy but that was just one my dreams that I made a reality. Many more I did which I shan't brag online.It all might be small or even mean nothing to everyone else but it is something to me. And thanks Ain for being supportive and I hope you will continue allowing me to pursue whatever I feel I need to do so. Do give me the support when I need it. Do tell me off if what I am doing is not necessary. I'm glad with the way our relationship works.
Sleepless again.
I am wide awake, I am sleepless.
I have to write this. God, thank you for bringing me wonderful people to me in my life.
God, help me thru, I pray to you give all the people I know, whom I love, whom loves me, whom care for me the happiness they desire, the wishes they chase after, the goals they work so hard for. Grant them health, food and everything else the need to get by day by day. Get the sick well and the well aware And keep the diseases away from them. Guide them and myself if we do get lost. Forgive them and myself if we do stray away. For we are mere humans, to err is common and rather frequent.
There's lots on my mind, You are the Almighty , you know what's inside, so help me God, guide us, show us the light the path the way that is right.
InsyahAllah.
I love you Nurain for loving me whole heartedly and forgive me for any wrongs that I had done.
Great Minds Think Alike
It's good that someone also share the same views as me. Apart from my Ain of course.
I was having this casual conversation with Yayi-Tahir(my cousin's grandfather) over sahur. About some people bringing up the issue of hantaran, the market rate. I told my mom, tell that someone there's no such thing and I will come up with what I can. I told that to Yayi-Tahir as well, I told him hantaran is not wajib in Islam and in Al-Quraan there is no such thing as market rate. Islam never make life difficult for its ummah, it is the ummah who makes their own lives difficult, make mandatory what is not. If you claim you step in and out of the mosque so that often, how can you not be aware of that? Our culture is man-made, man-created why kill ourselves trying to be amongst the norm of culture(that is man-made). If you can afford, go ahead, if not why kill yourself trying?
That's why I say, many of us is still in the state of Jahilliyah(ignorance). So am I, I still do wrong at times but I am just amazed at how the Malay community tries so hard to uphold what is not mandatory. Wake up, open up your mind, remove that veil, you don't have to be ashamed for not carrying out what is not required, what is not mandatory. They who talk and try to shame us should be ashamed for they are in that deep state of ignorance.
Achievements.
If I get into Advance-Diploma faster/ahead than most, I guess the Assistant-Director of Nursing can recognize my potential and IF I can perform well, Dec 2010, I'd wanna reward myself with a Rolex. Look, isn't it sweet....Ooooomph!
The Bamford & Sons customized Rolex, not the typical kind!
Complacency
Given some thoughts, we can never be complacent. I am referring to employment. No matter how stable you are, I guess you'd always need a back up.
I have give it some thought and I hope I'd at least do it. I've been wanting a back up and I have always wanted to be my own boss, well if that doesn't work out, I'd still have to be gainfully employed. And being employed and stagnant is not satisfactory, if within my bond I am not promoted, I guess I gotta move on. To move on, I needed to be outstanding, special from the rest of the candidates. I thought maybe I should start reading up on a subject bit by bit and be a master of it, for example heart related nursing IF I'd want to work in a heart unit. I was thinking if I'd wanna transfer after I completed my bond, I'd go for CGH and apply under one of the specialized unit. CGH why? cos it'd be closer to home and SingHealth's promotions is more or less on a regular confirmed basis, also means I can reach my goal faster. See how la eh, just thoughts only. Taa.....
I Love You, Man
Watch the movie as recommended by my wifey-to-be. She's so right that I can relate to the movie so much....LoL. Hella nice movie, you guys should watch. Gnite everyone, nap time before pm shift!
Jahilliyah
30 years of age is what I will be, come 29th December 2009. I was born a Muslim, yet till date I am far from being a good one. I still do not know some of the basics. I once wanted to master the language(Arabic) so I can understand more of my religion but then I strayed away. Today at the mosque I was awaken, I needed to know more, the basic, the 'mandatory' ones are not enough, merely doing for you have to is not enough, I feel the need to know what I am doing, what I am reciting, what the Imam says. Not everything but at least the jizz of it. It was the period of 'Jahilliyah' in my life that caused me to stray away and became ignorant of what I live by and call myself, a Muslim. I can't believe I was shameless enough to call myself a Muslim back then when I not only was ignorant of my religion, I was also doing what is not allowed.
For I am a mere human, my will was weakened by many things in life. But that is no excuse. Now that I realize, I hope I bring myself back to the path laid before me. As this Ramadan awakened me, I hope I will not be swayed and put to the state I was back then yet again when Ramadan ends.
I start to realize and be thankful had it not been for the certain episodes of my life, I wouldn't have left 'Jahilliyah'. For it had not been that the bringing up I got, for it had not been the friends that I met, had it not been for that I met Ain and had it not been for the unpleasant things that happened in my life, I guess I'd still be stuck there.
Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah. Thank God, The one and only God.
Sometimes, someday
Sometimes, I wonder if I am too much. But then I am just living by my rights and I did nothing wrong. In fact I am preventing accidents and unhappiness in the future at my expense. Sometimes I hope people would understand and put to a stop and just leave me alone. Sometimes, some things are better left unsaid, unexplained cos' sometimes explanation means nothing if it's going thru a 24inch thick steel-like barrier. Sometimes it's not worth the effort. Sometimes I wonder why I am even thinking about it. I think cos sometimes it does affect me. Sometimes it's quite unpleasant being unable to 'fight' and just let things rest when real justice has not surfaced. Sometimes yet again, many more important things require this 2 hemispheres in that thick skull of mine. Sometimes my energy and thoughts are better spent on people who loves me and not discriminate, intimidate and victimize me. I am not your punching bag, your scapegoat, your lab-rat. Sometimes you need to watch what's cooking under the pressure cooker, what time does it say on the clock attached to the time-bomb. That's why sometimes I keep myself away.
Am I suffering from ASPD? I doubt so, I get along pretty well with people who loves me, I get along with my colleagues, my true friends, my acquaintaces and those worth calling family.
I am tired of sometimes, I'd rather have always. I'd want to be with Ain always, I'd want to see her always, I'd want to feel loved always, I'd love to be wanted always. I'd like to be treated FAIRLY always, to be respected always and not to be sabotaged always. I'd wish for happiness always, for faith to the One God always, for forgiveness always and for a healthy mind always. I'd want to be strong always, to be resilient always, to be 'fighting' always. There's too many always, always but the point is I wanna lead a positive life.
Nobody is perfect, neither am I but at least I don't live in denial and leave with denial.
Alhamdulillah from bringing Ain into my life. I can only thank you God for without you nothing is possible.
Tired.
Feeling tired but I am driven. Driven by a fuel no fossil could ever produce. No chemist can ever create. No archeologist and ever recover. I am driven by Ain.
Puke!
I'm lucky I didn't go for the CGH route, else I guess I would've puked. I went further today, took the same route but this time round I went to the junction just at the entrance of Expo. Took me 20mins, I can feel my heart palpating. One BIG mistake for today was the pre-run Nutella sandwiches. I took 2 with a huge mug of coffee and I think it's the contributing factor to the puke like feeling. With the tummy filled, it leaves little space for your diaphragm and lungs to expand fully thus the lack of oxygen intake and when you start breathing like a pregnant walrus it forces the lungs to expand thus squeezing the content in your stomach out.....gosh....never again, pre-run makan.
5th day Ramadan, I am missing Ain badly.....uggghhh....
As I was relaxing myself on the cold concrete, just certain thoughts came to mind. What if we can't move in to 709 and stay put at 292, what would our daily activity. I thought to myself since the television outside will be 'conquered', we will definitely need a tv of our own AND a dvd player or even better PS3 or Wii....Hahahahahhaha woooohoo. Else we'll definitely go out alot and spend alot. I'd want us to save up and be prepared for our new flat and maybe a longer vacation! hehehe Europe baby?
Still in Ramadan, I've been killing myself trying to find ways how to tell some of my colleagues what they do is not right and definitely not in the month of Ramadan. Although its leftovers and although its such a waste to throw away, rightfully its not ours and to my point of view, it defeats the purpose of Ramadan at all. I think I'll just get someone else to tell them off in a nice way. Well just my point of view and I hope they get it after repeatedly I declined their offer, not even a spoonful.
New manager coming....hmmm I wonder how its going to be like. I hope he will get me that advance diploma I badly wanted. After that only I guess I'll be motivated for a degree and maybe be driven to try to get a lecturing position. I am already going on 30 if by 35 I don't have a degree, I think I'll just stay put and maybe work for a senior position instead.
Ambitious, yes? I guess that's the nature of Capricorns.....
3km
I've only been running 3.4+km each session...need to up the distance.....
Tomorrow to CGH and back! approximately 6+km....a little ambitious...maybe safer to try that on my off day if no ones for mac ritchie run....
I wanna Run!
I wonder IF I do reside at Tampines Ave7 which is nearer to work(and maybe later on buy a flat near there as well!) will it be possible to run to work? I wanna try one day....I think I am starting to get obsessed like years ago, I think it is also the stress building up cos of all the wedding preps!
Too bad the drizzle and the sniffles this morning, I really regret having that cold cup of chendol last night! Cold drinks at night + less hours of sleep is certainly not for me.
Anyways, I think I will invest in a bicycle and cycle to work should I be able to get a flat near Tampines Ave10. It'll save me loads on petrol and definitely keep me fit. Yesterday I weighed myself and I was about to give in to self denial that its cos of my shoes, keys, phone, etc...but I know that even if I strip naked there and then I would still weigh about 80kg. That means 10kg to go in 4 months. That was very easy in BMT where you were made to run everyday but I wonder if I get a chance to do so now OR have the motivation to do so. I hope so cos I don't wanna be looking like a blob in fotos....
My colleague, Zulkifly got offered a position at Changi Prison as a Psycho-educator, he turned it down despite of the 5 day work week perk cos he'll loose out on all the allowances and would probably earn alot less. I was thinking Changi Prison, 5 day work week, office hours, I'd be tempted but perhaps when I am married, the dough is more important, especially in Singapore. But for me, I think it'll be a tough choice to make as time spent with my loved ones is as important or maybe more than the dough itself.
Ok gotta go, sahur!
Happy fasting all. InsyahAllah good Ramadan ahead for all Moslems!
Truth.
Sometimes its hard to tell the whole truth to someone who's in denial. Unlike with Ain, it's pretty simple cos we've been doing so all the while.
It's just that I don't think till date she realize what she said/asked had a major impact. Nevertheless I am trying to forgive this Ramadan but to forget is another issue altogether.
I hope nobody else tries to break up this 'mosque' myself and Ain trying so hard to build. I hope nobody will again propose daunting questions that is so unnecessary cos for the whole lot who's probably reading please respect our decision to live our life and grow old together can? Just a simple request. It's our choice, we are adults, we know what we are doing.
InsyahAllah......Amin.
All Psyched Up.
It's all in the mind. When you are driven, you will do your best.
I had a goal, to loose as much flab as I can and take this Ramadan as an opportunity to do so. Less snacking and eating means easier to loose. I also started my running regime, from my place to end of Simei near Expo. 1st run on 1st Ramadan, I clocked 19+ mins, today 3rd Ramadan I clocked 17+ mins.
Today rest day, tomorrow morning weight-training and the night after work I am heading to Bedok Reservoir to gauge how far can I run cause there's markers there. I wanna get back to at least 70Kg before my birthday, my ultimate goal is my ideal weight at 65kg but then weight's not everything cause muscles are heavier, maybe should get body fats measured. Hehehe sounds extreme? Hey I wanna look good on my one and only wedding day!
Being unable to know how far I ran makes me so much wanna get a nike+ sportsband and nike+ shoes. But I guess I'll stick to the old school markers at parks or maybe I will get a pair when I get my bonus. Right now, I am contemplating to get which Ipod....I really love IpodShuffle cos of its size but then nike+ only work with IpodTouch, Iphone or IpodMini. Hmm.....
Anyways, wish me luck....I think 70kg is achievable provided I don't start my snacking again after Ramadan....LoL....
Berfikir.
Islam is a wonderful religion, it never did make life difficult for its followers. It's humans themselves that created their own difficulties, what is not required and mandatory they made it so.
So they 'kill' themselves trying to meet these 'standards' they themselves made mandatory. They fear 'people talking' not God. They fear shame not God.
That's just examples.I am not pious for I am still learning AND I repeat, I am not against our culture, I am just weighing the issues as I totally don't agree in 'killing' yourselves just to 'save face' or your so called 'culture'. I just hope in this beautiful ramadhan you realize and hopefully not 'kill' your partner, yourself or maybe your parents in the process of having that mandatory reception of yours in order to carry on culture. I pity those who are made to do all those, trying to meet the standards we created.
Al Ameen
Al Ameen~ The trusted one.
Anyways, with regards to the comment made:
Adat and budaya(culture) are merely culture, it is not a must to do so if someone is financially tight. This is of course with reference to Malay weddings. In Islam, even the feast is not mandatory, it is good to have one IF you can afford it. The 'nikah'(solemnisation) itself IS mandatory.
Islam does not make marrying of two souls difficult, troublesome or burdensome to its ummah. The cultures made it so. If the masses can recognise that culture is not mandatory in Islam, I guess less couples will sin. Why they got married late and in the end commit sins which I shall not elaborate because it is about time they get married, 'legalize' their relationship BUT the pressure of culture forces them to delay in order to scrimp and save just to oblige to people who strongly believes that to carry on the culture is mandatory. These people who delay the marriages of their children in my point of view in fact encourages 'zinnah'(promiscuity) and all that is against Islam itself.
I guess you have to do your own research yourself, cos it is better if you find out and rationalize yourself first.
I am not against 'adat and budaya' but it is what that put pressure so much on couples and delayed their marriage and cause them to sin. Do you want to be responsible for these poor couples who have sinned maybe more and more due to be having to save more money just to carry on the culture or even coming up with the 'market rate' dowry some i've heard even to a whopping 12k? IS IT EVEN NECESSARY IN THE FIRST PLACE? In Islam, the dowry is to help ease the burden of the bride's side to hold a feast but then again, the bride's parents should be aware if the male is able to come up with the amount, if not how much he can afford and hold a feast accordingly within the budget. Not robbing the groom in broad daylight demanding huge amounts as though his wife to be is being held hostage.
For me myself, I am glad my future in laws are of sound mind to ask what I am capable of and what they only ask of me is to take good care of their daughter once she becomes my wife. I will come up with what I am able to(of course I try my best to come up with more because of the rising costs) for the hantaran. And my wife to be is even saving up herself to help with the feast.
The rest, the 'adat and budaya' thingy is totally up to me if I can afford it. My mom too was well enough to understand and let me handle it and do according to what I can afford. There's sponsors, well alhamdullilah, if there's not, minimal is enough.
I think that is the proper way, I don't understand why we need to be slaves to culture. Culture I believe is like an accessory to life where without it you won't go naked. If you can afford, go ahead, if not why kill yourself.
Anyways to all Muslims, let us welcome Ramadhan.
P.S. If you are wise enough to comment, I am sure you are wise enough to leave your name. And don't get others involved in your comment for it is not necessary but if it is me you are pointing out to, my point of view is as above. And for your info, I am doing my wedding within my means, sponsors are out of their own will and as gifts to me, Alhamdullilah. apologies in advance anonymous. :)
You my co-pilot
A moment of silence please for those who never get a chance.
In mine(r'ship) both of us always get a chance, to speak up that is. And had it not been for that chance we provide each other all the time, I guess I'd still be filled with negativity in this place we call earth/home where supposedly civilized human beings reside.
You have indeed been my co-pilot, steering me away from getting myself into deeper shit or trouble.
We learned alot from each other. Love ya Nurain. :)
Yippeeeee!
Got sponsors for 'berkat' and 'kompang'....yipeeeeee!
Anyways it's great that I learned peribahasa back in school cos that was one of part of Bahasa Melayu lessons I enjoyed....
Sayings like 'Kata dulang paku serpih, Kata orang dia yang lebih' will always remain vivid in mind and certainly can apply to daily life, so many can apply....like 'Makan boleh sembarang makan, cakap jangan sembarang cakap'
Anyways I'm laughing my ass off at the antics of some human beings, so......contradicting to themselves....bah....
anyways definition of antics (in case some of you don't know):
1 : an attention-drawing often wildly playful or funny act or action;
2 archaic : a performer of a grotesque or ludicrous part
Okayyyy have a great weekend everyone....love ya'all.....ouh thanks guys love ya'all....
Get Out!
Get out of that box of yours, not everyone's evil. Ouh I am not saying to be naive(apparently one of my colleagues is a spy). Cos if you're naive it'll get you eaten as well! But then again keep an open mind, not everyone's evil ok. And everybody's human, a mistake doesn't make him Satan.
At work apparently there's spies lingering around, being a lame fuck tape recorder and pass what is said to the boss. You know sometimes you can't trust people whole-ly especially those with smiles from end to end. They are not what they appear to be, they have hidden agendas, urgh, disgusting hypocrites. I'd love to wish for their mishaps like they hope for ours but then again, God is great, I'll let him decide. I just hope I don't turn into one of those ugly dumfucks who wishes for calamities upon others. It is so not humane.
Anyways I feel sometimes I waste precious time but then again every little things we do matters cos it does play apart in the end. It does.
I am still considering the degree, although that fear of not studying is always there. I think once everything settled, I'd invest on it and take the risk. I just don't want to stay mediocre, I want to be a little above that. And of course alternatives, jobs that is. I wanna do something I really enjoy not just like which brings income that superceeds the current one, if that happens.....woots! But am still discovering what I am really good at and what can bring in the dough without difficulties, that's a tough one. The thing is, I've always wanted to be my own boss, have my own schedules and decide on what I wanna do daily. That'll be great right?
Hahaha, yeah maybe some of ya would be saying....'yah yah dream on sid....' then again everyone needs dreams to get started.
ok gtg, best wishes everyone,
