my mood is up again

my nose, blocked and dripping at the same time...how bad can it be....but hey i asked for it, i slept at 6am last night n my noisy siblings made me wake up at 11am..aarrghh

but why am i happy? cos today, the mod bought my parka for 100bucks....im relieved cos that money will go to the bills which is outstanding....thanks mod...:)...u ease my burden a little by being my customer.....hope you are happy with that ori us army issued fish tail parka....enjoy ur may day tumoro with ur mod frens...

new month calls for new look

a new mth calls for a new look for the blog....the splash jpeg has a meaning to it, its my blog, its where i pour out everything that comes to mind from deep within, see the similarities.

may day, may day...hehehehe lame...
anyways, a fren of mine is getting married tumoro....goobye bachelorhood bunchit... you're going to be nisha's husband in just a couple of hours....best wishes, may u both last till the end of time....

me, im not getting hitched so soon yet, firstly, im not ready, secondly i dun have anybody...harharhar...laughing like that makes me wanna sing~"who lives in a pineapple under the sea?...." hahahaah crap!

adios...gotta catch some sleep....enjoy may day!...tee hee...

calculations after calculations....

i have to adapt to changes....in plans n lifestyle....quite frequently.....calculations after calculations, i wont have enough for bangkok....im not complaining...even though it means being left in sg over the weekends alone, cos most of my frens will be going...but looking on the bright side, i have all the time to myself where i can do many things, read books, or self improve on certain things...or start revising....whatever it is....

my caramella is ready.....the cost for the reapirs 285freakin dolars...haiz....when will i finally get to shop....anyways, its worth it cos i love caramella alot since i got no one to love at the moment...hahahaha just joking.....it means i will spend my lonely times, fine tuning, washing n waxing my caramella...hahaha there i go again..

oh i spent 4 bucks on things that i shudnt have bought....a sketchbook for doodling out of boredom and a fountain pen.....hahaaha but its worth it, at work, i spent hours doodling cos i didnt have things to prepare....it kept me occupied....

the need for more cash calls for the need for another job....part time that is...im gonna juggle 3 jobs soon....day time relief teacher(sometimes lab tech)/ staging casuals at esplanade & by night 'waiter' at a pub. of cos im not doing it all in a day.....i said juggle right?...yeah i did so.....but i wont be seeing the money cos they will be spent on outstanding bills, my bike, insurance & road tax and my settling my loans.....see...i need to be independent...settle everything asap... and soon i'll be back as before....enjoying life.....*smiles...of cos not forgetting i need to save a little as age is catching up.....ill need the money sooner or later..

cant wait to see caramella.....c ya guys.....put a smile on ur faces always, leave the emotions back at home, go out...haf fun, enjoy n relax urself....

yeay its fridae

anyways check out my updated page/portal where its linked to everything that has got to do with me online....myspace, fotopages n of cos the good ol blog all at.............>>
http://iamvicious.kickme.to

yeay its friday call for celebration to the end of the week, next week i start my lessons at esplanade, weekend, buncit n nisha getting married.....sunday khairul's younger brother...monday free...all to myself...yeay.......jobs...still no news.. sigh... but failure is only temporary if we keep on trying right?....well i believe so.......got not much stuffs to write.....until then nitey nite frens......mwaaahh

ppl take for granted with what they have

im fucken pissed....i came back sweaty from soccer, open up the letter box, bills as usual, its my sister's line which i pay for monthly, cos she wanted a handphone so much....the previous months were fine...but this time round, a whooping 89bucks...im so fucken piss.....i told her off, shes going to pay that bill with her savings and im going to terminate the line if the contract ended.....the huge bill was cos of downloads and hotlines...i dunno wtf she did till it totalled up to 89bucks....ppl tend to take advantage of me when im nice to them....im so fucken pissed off....why is it so nice to take things for granted?......urrgh!

mistaken identity

i was invigilating just now......at recess, i had my 'breakfast' with mr tan, where kids crowded us, like we were somekind of superstars....it appears, kids love us, both of us, some went to him, some went to me....asking the same ol question, "che why never teach us?....che' miss u leh, new teacher boring...or cikgu...sombong seh skarang tak ajar kiter...." me, i just greet them wif a simple smile or told them to ask the principal bout the arrangements....its so nice to be recieving so much attention and to know that these kids actually loves me teaching them during the first 3 months of the year.

i was waiting for my turn in the conference room, to invigilate, when i overheard them talking about ezam(which i tot was boy's brother), they said he scolded vulgarities & used the F word at a teacher and they are writing a report which will get him expelled. me, panicked as usual, wanting to save ezam from getting expelled, i asked boy for ezam's hp number explaining to him what i heard....after the paper ended i rushed to the staff room to call ezam....phew....it wasnt him.....it wasnt that teacher that invigilated him.....i smsed boy about the wrong identity it was a sec 3 boy not ur brother.....he replied "nasib baik aku blom fuck dia..." ehehhehee i couldve got ezam into trouble with his bro for no reason....but i meant well....*smiles....

today, when i checked my emails, i got a testimonial from seri, the oh sweet girl the fren of pen(my only close fren who is a girl when i was in school). seri, always remembered her oh so sweet smile.....with that dimples....she appeared chubby now probably from her job n her happy life.....thnks seri....

job hunting continues, but i slept the afternoon away, oh so tired i was.....suddenly my speech appeared oh so shakespearish...hahahaha....wtf im talking about...aisha failed to send me more songs from the softies must be the firewall at he workplace.....urrgh....i so love their voice, its like the english version of laluna + mocha......so enchanting they are.....

my sister, has stopped msgig me...probably she's having exams too...good luck sis... hope you do better than your bro here.....*smiles.....

tonight is soccer day....probably the only day i sweat nowadays....cos ive been lazy for the past few weeks, spent hours infront of the screen sending out resumes....oh i need to sweat so much....i gained a kg...sheesh!

ive raised the white flag

me, the type that doesn't give up, until im certain, that theres no more hope in me attaining or achieving a certain something.that's me, but when it is clear that i don't stand a chance, i will definitely back out.period.(thanks for making it clear to me)smiles*

yeay i will start training in may....i MIGHT be going bangkok after all, that is if i get enough money...have to do some seriously careful calculations or id die when i get back from there.....teeehehehehe...
hmm the job at esplanade is making me anxious....im interested to find out...what im required to do etc...n hows the ppl like....probably, with two jobs in hand, id not be so lonely afterall....cos i know esplanade have alot of fun ppl....n more fun ppl means more company, more company means, theres so little room to feel the pinch of being alone, lonely......yeay to that.....

my wish to aisha n shareil on their job application with safe superstore as a graphic artist/designer....good luck guys...hope both of ya get the job....shareil, especially u, cos i know u need it most.........not forgetting the rest, your dreams... of owning a car, travelling, etc....good luck too rite?....

my caramella, pls be out this week, cos i miss ya soooo much....miss cleaning you n waxing u to a mirror finish shine.....miss riding u on the streets with pride n the half cap helmet on my head........

words can be read, actions can be enacted, emotions sometimes so invisible to the eye that it would just past by you within the blink of an eye. gnite frens...cya ard... mwahhhh.....

don't count the chicks before they hatch....

i was so confident that i would have enough for bangkok.....i calculated what i should have if the so-called training at esplanade takes place this week....i so called estimated my income for the end of the month......but the training was rescheduled due to unforeseen circumstances.....the call i made to connie just disappointed me and i was a little cranky, partly from the lack of sleep last night.

i then comb thru the classified section, but all i could find was those production operator jobs....i was thinking as how if i wanted to slot it in my daily schedule cos i have to teach/or be a lab technician in the day.....i tot of going to the 'interviews'(actually filling up application forms) at the stated mrt stations tumoro but the phone in the lab rang....it was the admin manager, she told me, mr thiru(the coordinator) needed me to be a part of the exam committee for the exam period, meaning ill have a job for the next 2 weeks and probably the rest of the month, which buy time for me to look for career and at the same time, more income....so looks like i cant attend the so-called 'interview'.:P but i am 65bucks richer tumoro....

about bangkok.....i have to plan very well financially....maybe i might not even go, considering the road tax, insurance n the repairs that i have to settle come may...n we have to fork out for the flight money mid may.....so it kinda clashes....if i cant go, id take it as a blessing in disguise...cos last year, i got a job, right after they took off, i didnt tag along, cos i was short on money n i got a feeling i might get the job that i went for an interview n was shortlisted(harimau petrocon services) n indeed i got the job....i hope this time round if i dun go, i will not be so disappointed like last year.....:)....

hey frens, theres always another time if i dun go...i mean probably next time when all of us are stable probably we could go somewhere further, probably europe or something....:)....it could be just a dream but dreams are what that keeps a man going..right?

complications of the simple mind....

i jus wanna chill, sit & laugh alot...but before long i was restless, longing to do something else, i do not know what...its probably my subconcious mind taking control of me as to why i am lagging today......or the guilt of having a day rest off the usual?..
i do not know....life is mysterious indeed....

i was super 'slacky' today.....probably i was tired....mentally......so the brain tells the body to slack...but the mind...wants to keep going...its like a conflict between a virus and an anti virus....between an epidemic & a cure....etc.....positivity repels negativity....

my mind, body n soul needs a rest from everything....the bangkok trip this june is a great getaway but i won't compromise my dreams...if say i get a good job before i buy the tickets, i will not go just like last year, i miss the phi2 island trip cos i got a job with harimau petrocon.....this time round might just be the same...so frens, if so happens i get a job, im sorry, i have to back out again.....

part of me is still keen on running on my own business....but the capital n idea is not there .....yet....

some of us are just entertaining ourselves, to keep the worries away for a moment... the laughters, the smiles are just the rested self.....the self that needs a break...
its a new day again...so soon, time flies & it waits for no man.....the hunt continues....

boredom brings about the wandering mind...

i thought of this when i was bored at work....when i really ran out of things to do..
enjoy~

" As boredom seeps in,
my mind wanders off to the memories i had.
Of friends & foes, sadness & happiness that i had.

Wen it came to u,.....
the only thing i felt;
I miss you!...."

mom, ur son have yet to succeed.....

its mom's birthday today and i havent got much cash....i was at ikea in hope of finding something that dear mom would love....but to no avail......so i wandered around...and chocolates was wat i saw...n before that, flowers...beautiful pink ones...that look similar to a sunflower except smaller n the petals are pink.....i bought lindt the thin chocolates that is so delicious and i knew mom liked it cos once she brought home those long time ago, when i was young.....bought a card, printed out the foto in my hp, paste it and wrote what i felt on the card...." mom, today is your birthday, i hope i'll see more smiles like the one in your foto....don't stress yourself out over things...mom, your son here has yet to succeed, i cant get you huge or fancy gifts so here, a box of chocolates for you to enjoy. i hope, one day, ill be able to put more smiles on your face when i finally get a 'real' job. mom, happy birtday..."...the flowers were beautifully done by the talented florist....i love her for doing such a wonderful job...im greatful..... to my mom, i hope you are happy.....

as i took the bus back home, alone, i realised, im not so strong after all, my eyes welled over several matters.....partly, im still a nobody, i want mom to be proud of me one day....another is i felt so lonely so suddenly.....i long for that daily dosage of hugs, and gd nite msgs with the love word ending it.....as my mind begin to wander off to the sad region, i pulled it back...telling myself, the way is to keep focused, focus on what i had to do....aim for my goals...my success....i smiled as my eyes gazed thru the tinted glass panels of the bus.....i kept telling myself, 'sid be strong...ur journey will reach its destination one day....and for that longing for love, someone will come by one day n capture ur heart once again..."

i pulled out my headset, to listen to peterpan....afterall music soothes the soul... it does....the lyrics are sad....but somehow the music soothes the tired mind and heart.....

one day, ill reach my destination alright...so help me God.....

welcome to my life

the song blasting thru the speakers(if it is on, if not go n switch it on!) of your home computer is a song by simple plan...welcome to my life... although i do admit i don't fancy commercialized, mainstream everybody listens to it shit....but this one i like cos of its resemblance to my life. aisha sent me this song when it first released, probably about a year or so ago.....being my other half back then, she knows the ongoings of my life, the daily drag that i have to go through, the problems i had, and many-many more that is too personal to be written.....but that was me, 2 to 3 years ago.....life was terrible.....so frens, thats part of the reason of my disappearance...

the song is playing not implying that my life is down again....its just a reminder for myself that things had been worse, cos i think too much back then.....now the positive vibes has indeed saved me from my back then emotional state....im not ashamed to say this but aisha witnessed me crying, real tears, shivers and all....its the cause of almost 10 years of not being accepted and missing someone i should be entitled to...and till now im still not..some of you out there would know why......the 'main' problem hasnt completely been erased but the evovled me from jus sid as siddiq to sid viciously just makes things better. i began to stand up for myself(though at times its proven not a good thing) and not let ppl just step on me....i was so 'vicious' when i needed too....i didnt have much control back then, i just retaliated like a squash ball being beaten to the walls just to return back at double speed to bite into your flash if you fail to swing your racquet.but the viciousness was only limited to the ppl i don't love for those whom i do(this includes my mom n my close frens)i would think twice sometimes i even don't retaliate and i would keep it all to myself until it soon disappears with time.

i've mellowed down a little now, i don't retaliate often, i don't argue often, often, i just leave......but that does not mean, im easily taken down, easily brought down to the ground, i will still retaliate if it deemed necessary......i ignore only things thats not worth retaliation, that doesnt harm me in any ways watsoever, in short the person who's doing it is just tiring himself out.

i got this advice from someone close to me, its rather useful for you guys out there cos i know im not alone...~a low self esteem is what you don't need when you're in shit...something like that....the book that i took from my old workplace has indeed worked its charms...its all about enthusiasm and making urself confident....that all gave me the confidence to talk at interviews....i'll just blabber out and 'defend' myself when theres a need too...

ppl change, everytime, only how long they took, only how much they changed.....i changed too...i do not know if im better or not but for me, it's good for me, for my life, for me to pick up, for me to stand up and be MORE independent. i was a little dependent for the past 3 years for help psychologically & emotionally...now i manage on my own cos she's no longer around to 'babysit' me....and im glad im able to do it on my own now.

dear frens, the mind is a terrible thing to waste but the mind can also be harmful if you let it run wild on its own, get control of it...don't let it wonder to various regions too long, like sorrow, anger, hate, etc...all the negativity....force itself back to positivity, making constructive thoughts of how to overcome the situation instead of just allowing the negativity to consume you. let it out if you have to, scream, shout, laugh, watever it takes....it helps believe me...i scream when things are bad, i laughed it off, i sung it off...once i even made funny faces in the mirror to bring myself to laugh, it sounds so insanse of someone to do that but it works...i once told sara to do that...but im not sure if she did it....hehehehe...

until then frens.....good day...:)

living in denial is not a crime rite?

i did what i thought was right....i know it wasnt a mistake...but walking out im not sure if i did the right thing...i might regret cos once i loved u....but ive got to make decisions....and ive decided....im sorri.....its just not happening, too much interference....but watever it is, pray for my success yeah?......c ya ard....whoever u are.....*smiles.....

sate were good.....

was damn bored...i mean a saturdae n plans screwed up....so we(me & shareil) were cracking our brains as where to go.....we ended up in town, with boy.....followed by man and later we met ai & adil....where we ordered delicious sate...mmmmmmm... then later mankey & lin joined us.....

after the sumptous sate.....we talked...n talked...until, we talked bout trips... we were planning to go to bangkok this june...i really hope itd happen....i miss travelling....i know i need to start saving up....but this one i gotta go...i miss travelling...n im getting bored down here.....i cant wait man......anyone wanna tag along?.....:)...yipreee........