I am sorry if I don't approve of your behaviors. I am sorry if I think that your behavior is disgusting. I am sorry if I decide not to socialize with you even though we have some sort of family ties in the name of safety as forewarned by grandmother. I am sorry if my dreams bother you, my dreams of achieving a better life actually makes you think negatively of me. I am sorry if expressing my thoughts is such a crime even though I had no hurt intent. I am sorry if being me bothers you, then I am sorry that I have to beg of you to leave me alone for what you feel might in turn bother me because that wasn't intended. I am sorry if my thoughts gave you a need and obligation to express your sympathy. I am sorry if you feel that I whine too much and it is so unnecessary for me to feel in such a way. I am sorry though if one day you have to experience what I experienced. I am sorry though one day if God decide to put you in my shoes.
I am sorry I meant no harm to anyone in this whole wide planet. If I do harm anyone, it is purely accidental or in the name of self defence. Even peace loving Gandhi defends himself. Even peace loving Muhammad fights for his rights.
I am sorry for just being me, if you do not like what you read or see, please by all means don't. Thank you very much, I appreciate it, gracias.
For I am just another human being.
5th November
We made our way to Nenek's place after Subh'. There he lay in the living room, lifeless and still. The memory of his smiles, laughters and jokes were still vivid in my mind. It's like it was just yesterday that we talked, it's like it was just yesterday that I saw him lively and very much alive. It was just like moments ago. The sight at the airport suddenly came back and immediately saddened me, I went out cos that is not what I want to remember but it just wouldn't go away.
I pulled out pieces of paper and my phone as I tried to memorize all prayers that I copied. I regret not having prepared enough even though I got that 'dream' few months back. I did not get the hint, I took it easy. I went in again to say prayers for him, only to discover I fumble at reading the Quran, that's for not reading it regularly and no desperately I read like a kid who was just learning.
My brother, my cousin and myself assisted throughout the funeral, in cleansing up to the burial. That few hours somehow provided me relief, that was the last thing I could do for him, I tried to do it at my best. I wiped his face with love as blood seeped out(cos he vomited blood on the plane). I kissed his forehead before covering him up, that was the final and in many years only kiss for my dad. My brother broke down after his turn, the tears I witheld just flowed out continuosly as I see him in that state. Being his elder brother I tried my best to console him.
When we finally lay him in the pit, lying facing the Qiblah, when I opened the coverings to reveal his face, my heart just sank as I placed some soil on his nose. When I covered him up again, I knew I'd never see him again, perhaps only in photos or in memories which will always be there.
I pray to God everyday from that day, that all his sins will be forgiven and will be put in heaven. InsyahAllah.
My Father, Ali Bin Atan, I want you to know I love you so and I am missing you. you never got the chance to see my new home, to see the arrival of your grandchild next year. Till we meet again Dad.
4th November
It was 4th November 10+Pm when we arrived at the airport waiting for my Dad and stepmother to arrive. We spent the time waiting talking and joking and little did we expect what was going to happen. We did expect him to be wheeled out to an ambulance if his condition is real bad but we did not expect him to die upon arriving. When I saw he was being wheeled his mouth wide open and looking lifeless, I was speechless. I went to him, I touch his skin, it was cool, the staff told me there's still pulse, I tried but it was very faint, very very faint. A part of me told me he's as good as gone, a part of me was in denial as I took out my phone to call for the ambulance. I started to panic after I realized he was not breathing, I was lost, my nursing skills all just disappear just like that. I called up the SCDF again, "He is not breathing! how long you'll reach here?" The SCDF told me if there is pulse I cannot proceed with CPR, I felt his pulse, very faint at the same time the part of me that is in denial felt it there, as though he is still alive. When the ambulance arrived, he is gone, there is nothing I could do but hope for miracles to happen as I see them preparing the defibrillator and oxygen. Tears start to well up but I tried to stay calm giving the SCDF as much information as possible. In the ambulance, all along the way I was thinking what I could've done and why is this happening.
At the hospital was the most painful moments of my life, watching my father go. The drugs and infusion the emergency staff gave him helped revive him but I can see the fluctuation of his pulse, which is no good. I was shaken, I felt weak but a part of me still not giving up hope yet. It pains me more to see my aunt, my grandma and all in tears, it pains me more to see her pray to God asking Him to save my father at the same time thanking him that He brought back her son although in this condition.
They gave the transfusion shortly, it was already 5th of November, around 1am. His pulse showed 70bpm on the monitor. I know it was temporary but I was in a state of denial, I was relieved for a moment and that was stupid of me because it only pulled me down harder when he finally go. Still in disbelief, I stroked his cold hands as I watched my family cry. I kiss his forehead, I whispered to him in his ear, "Bapak ingat Tuhan, Allahu Akbar, mintak tolong dari dia, jangan give up, lawan..." that was the hopeful final sentences I said to him even though I knew he was already brain dead, I was hoping for miracles. The times I was outside of the e-room was spent praying countless times that God will save him.
The inevitable came at 0212hrs, he was pronounced dead. We went in everyone just cried, everyone felt the loss. As we waited for everything to settle(the paperworks and all) I spent my time alone in the room with him, looking at his face speechless, wondering what he went through on the flight, the pain and all. Remorse also filled me for not being a good son...at the same time, verses from the Quran just went mumbling through my lips in hope that he God will give him a place in heaven and save him from hell-fire.
I went home to change after his body was transported to Nenek's place. I was still in a state of disbelief, I cried at Subh' I Dua' for him in my prayers, tears I could not hold back as I read the verses, my chest aches, my head throbs. My mind was filled with disbelief, regrets and remorse. I already miss him by then. I regret not missing him as much when he was still alive.
Bapa-ku
His death was a big shock to me, I guess I took for granted that he will still be around for at least in years to come. He lied to us about his health, he never disclosed of what he was suffering from (LIver cancer and Liver chirrosis both caused by Hep B). He said he was fine but he did mention what the Dr. told him. Complacency prompted everyone not to ask questions because he looked fine and was fine and said he was fine already. The regret is there but as a muslim, I believe it is his time, what happened was just a reason for him to pass on but his time was actually written, when and where.
I love him dearly even though most of my childhood was without him but I can't blame him cos my parents divorced when I was only two. I know he loves me, cos occasionally he still did pick me up and spent a whole day with me. That was the time I always treasure and of course the fact that I get to buy an action figure/toys whenever we go out. I can still recall how excited I was when he called up that he wanted to bring me out. I can still remember how I ignored everyone and was left in a world of my own when I got back, at least for that day. The memories still vivid.
As I grew older, I get 'poisoned' by people around me saying he don't care etc. I get angry at their remarks, I even got myself kicked out cos I fought back. Although it did not affect me much but I did wonder if what they say was true. His temper, does not help too, my father like me do get angry at times and did stuffs or say things he shouldn't have a times which he did not mean. I had forgiven him long2 time ago.
One thing I regret, I did not visit him enough, instead I was selfish, I seek my own joy. We were so close, we at Bali, we could have took a domestic plane to visit him at Solo but I never initiated. My leave in November, I spent my time painting my living room and my salary on paints and stuffs where we actually planned to visit but cancelled cos we got a house. When I told my uncle of this on the way back after the burial, tears just flowed out, somehow, I think I am selfish.
Congrats to all 3.
Congrats to 2 of my friends and a 2nd cousin. Alhamdullilah, my Du'a goes to all the three couple.
motivation
1.Mitsubishi D5
2.Honda Freed
3.Suzuki APV
4.Toyota Alphard
5.Kia Carnival
6.Proton Exora
Family first. For the first 4 most probably I can only afford a weekend car. Proton Exora not bad either. Need the space, so that the whole family can jalan-jalan. AND if Changi Track starts operating I hope I can fit my supermoto in one of these after collapsing the seats....hehehehehe....
Is HE satisfied?
'Yes it's easy to blame everything on the west,
Well in fact all focus should be on ourselves.' ~ Maher Zain.
It's always easier to blame everyone else, definitely.
shoot!
shoot! didn't get in, I knew it. Apa nak buat takda rezki. Anyways, the Ep-1 has been giving me joy, was kinda abandoned for sometime, now I am having lotsa fun with it. BTW looking for a 2nd hand wide angle, do let me know if you come across any!
screwed up
I know I screwed up at work today.....Sigh there goes my chances of getting more recommendations. Oh well I just hope I still have more tiny bit of chance. I think I must really prove myself on the 24th. I must give a good presentation and show them all I know stuffs. What is done, is done, I can only apologize for disappointing my boss who thinks highly of me, who kept wanting to 'groom' me. I better not disappoint him on the 24th.
I already have back up plan however, as always. Put this way, if by next year, I don't have any promotion or progression on anymore nomination for valuable courses like the advance dip, I will have to move on. Still nursing but I wanna think like a family man, I think I wanna work in a 9-5 environment. Probably some outpatient clinic or as an educator at HPB or something, we'll see lah. Then from there, I will have time for a part-time degree and for my family.
All these are just plans, still we never know what the ultimate outcome will be.
Of course there is still dreams of the quite unlikely. Like my every dream of my own boss, like dreams of getting in and winning that ultimate prize, etc, etc. Some might come true or not at all. There's no cost to dreaming and sometimes it can be rather therapeutic and soothing. LoL.
Anyways, I prayed to God for the best. I hope my prayers are answered, InsyahAllah.
shot
I hope, I do get a shot. I knew I kinda suck at the answers and there were too many applicants but still hoping they like my shots. Some of the applicants were pretty intimidating, turning up with crazy equipments and talking trash, they even claimed they do freelance wedding, etc, etc. Anyyways, I just want the money so that I can bring my wife to somewhere further and I can pay off some loans,
Work- work sucks at the moment! Don't get me wrong, I love my job no doubt but I hate arrogant asswipes, so what if they are ranks higher? It doesn't mean they know eveverything! Still recalled my manager who ridicule me but in the end I bring in the sales. I think you have to stay open to everyones view, listen, consider and most of all treat them with respect. I just hope I'm not like that when I got higher.
Speaking of which my NM says he wants to groom me cos he sees potential. That's good but the assignment is alot of work. I have to teach the whole blk to use the defiblirator. I think it's good, cos I'd be exposed more but then it depends on how I perform and what kind of impression I will leave behind. It takes alot of preparation and I want to do my best! Wish me luck! ;)
Angry Me.
Dear God, I pray to have more patience in me.
I succumb to anger last week, which I was not proud of. In fact, I am embarrassed, still. I did not react rationally. Although I was merely standing up for my right for the wrongful accusation against me, I knew it was not the thing to do, to raise my voice against my superior. Although I already apologized for my uncalled for reaction and although he apologized for his wrongful accusation against me, things will never be the same. There's still a tinge of embarrassment in me and God knows what he thinks of me already now.
I should have just walked away like I usually do but I had enough. I know raising my voice wasn't the thing to do but I don't know if standing up was the right thing to do. In my opinion, I think it does help things to get better but letting my anger consume me wasn't the way to go. I hope you show him that I didn't mean it, I was just defending my rights, I just try to get the point across for all this while all the rest could do was just ignore him and made him think that he was right. I hope he'd change but at the same time I hope he forgot what had happened as well.
For now, I really hope what my SNM promised me becomes a reality. Advance Diploma next April, I feel both fear, excitement and the same time distrust. I was promised this October but apparently there were many applicants and being the fact that I was only a few days shy of being 2years or more(I guess thats the requirement) at point of application, I had to wait.
Anyways, I just hope that I do get in. When I graduate, I want to request for a 5day week, office hours duty. I'll loose the shift allowances but the increments because of the Advance Diploma and a possible promotion will level everything out. Meaning I'll probably earn just a little lesser or even the same. The reason is I want to spend more time with my wife, family and friends. I realize money isn't everything, although it does make some dreams possible, like racing for instance. :)
Well, it's just thoughts, if I do get normal duties, I can also pursue other stuffs like probably a degree or other courses that could be the source of additional incomes like real-estate for example. Just thoughts.
Whatever it is, it is all in the hands of God. InsyahAllah. I can only try my best and I can only pray that you'd grant. :)
Guide us to the straight path,
Like many, we tend to get lost a little at times. I just pray that this Ramadan, we'll be guided.
We tend to give in to emotions at times, we tend to loose patience at times, we tend to be angry and retaliate at times. I don't see a point 'fighting' or retaliating if it doesn't hurt me in any ways, I hope I can remind myself that.
I try, I try to forget many of the past, although I have forgiven them, it's hard to forget what they said, what they did to me and us.
This year, I'll try to pick up the courage to take a step forward, there's still a little bit of hate inside of me, if not for him, I'd not be like a nomad, moving here and there, I'd still be living with mom probably. But then again, everything happened for a reason, a thousand and one reasons. I don't know if I can do it but I will try. I don't see a point keeping grudges, even if we can't get along, the least we could do is forgive each other and have a closure.
There's many more things I'd like to say and do and I realize, there's not much time left. Even if I can live till age 60 and above, how strong will I be then? Will I be feeble and weak or still have the strength to be independent? Even if I am still strong and independent, 30years will pass like you never expect it to be. Look at me, I am already 31 and when I look into old photographs, it seems like it was only yesterday that I donned uniforms, that I was riding a scooter, etc, etc.
I hope God give me time to accomplish many things I wish to accomplish and I pray that I have a guided and protected path. Insha'Allah.
I miss racing.
311.....I hope that number will appear on the ranking board again. I wanna race again.
If I don't, I will frame up this photo as a memory......:P
speed demon haunting
a part of me still wants to race. Put on that leather suit and race. But a part of me thinks about the money needed to indulge in the speed demon in me. I know I will race again, when I don't know, probably when I am much more comfortable financially and probably when changi-circuit opens....pasir ris & changi! Bestnye....dekat!
'It's not my fault!'
Not my fault, not your fault, who's fault then?
It scares me to watch programs that show the earth's destruction. I wonder what kind of world my future generations will be living in. Unless we are smart enough to be able to migrate a neighboring planet like what the aliens did in 'Independence Day' then it's not so worrying but then again an army of aliens might be waiting for us, probably in their minds 'food', LoL.
Anyways, I think it is inevitable. The least we can do is try to slow down its deterioration, as much as possible. I just hope I'd be gone by then or at least humans can come up with something to save the earth like how they come up with luxuries of life, like cars, air-conditioners, etc....I hope.
Octane Dilemma
Ok, so housing pretty much settled. Career on track, just waiting if I got opportunity to upgrade.
Then a couple of weeks ago, my uncle broke me a news that left me wondering if I should or shouldn't ever since. He is selling his FXDL, his HARLEY for an uncle to nephew price! Its a still given the fact that he service the bike on a regular basis and Zack backs that up as he was a harley owner and a sales-rep at Harley as well.
The thing is I still love the fun supermoto, my DRZ. before this I only thought of upgrading to a bigger cc supermotard but my uncle's offer is so hard to refuse. It is partly, the Harley is a bike I have always wanted. When I was still tiny and grandfather was still around, all the boys in the house rode big ass choppers but all japanese lah...my mother use to give the term 'motor-tayar-gajah'.
It's like fun vs dreambike. hehehehe.
I wish I can have both but then, it'll kill me...hehehe unless I have cash for both. One thing I am afraid is, if I take over my uncles badass, I will miss riding my supermoto. Worse if the changi track is up....I can't track and race.
I am still lost till today, anyways my bike still have got no confirmed buyer.
Well...we'll just wait and see lor.....meanwhile, here is what I might be riding....>>
youtube makes me want the bloody harley.....uggghhh!
Our own.
Our own home soon....it'll make us and some people a thousand times happier or even more.
Soon....mom can drop by anytime during her off days and just chill. Ayun can go to school from there which is nearer. Mak can come over anytime she wants since it's like a bus ride away only to de-stress or something. If Dad from Indonesia were to come by he can stay over.
When.....we have kids, they can run around the space their mom and dad own. When we come home from work, we don't have to worry about facing/disturbing other people in the house. When we are hungry we can whip up a simple meal anytime over our stoves. When our laundry bag is full, we are free to do our laundry and not wait for the washing machine to be empty. We can stuff our own fridge with loads of Ben&Jerrie's and everything else we like. We can watch the channels of our choice on tv and not have to bear listening to super loud irritating keronchong late into the night. We can laze around anytime we like, move freely and not feel worried that people might label us.
I......I can walk around in my boxers only....LoL. I can maybe keep my classic prized vespa(if I get one) in my own space. I can paint with whatever colors I like. I can come home whatever time I please. I don't have to hear to sarcasms. I can show 'em the middle finger that WE can do it and it only takes time and WE don't freaking need your lousy shelter that house hypocrites and more.
I am glad we are finally free....I am glad my wife have faith in me. I am glad we did it. Now it's just proper financial planning and planning in general. Now we need to plan the future for our kids.....and retirement.
Meanwhile, what's next? Probably a much needed class3 and a car that I like? When? When we have the means of course. :)
Praying hard for that promotion and place for advance dip. It'll mean a stepping stone for me to go further or anywhere else if I decide not to stay put. We'll see how when the time comes.
Till then, wish me luck guys. :)
Thanks for the support Ain, mom, Mak, my uncle and of course my friends. Love ya guys...
got to got to
gotta continue running, keep my legs, heart and mind strong.
gotta watch my diet, loose some pounds so i can feel alot lighter and skate again..hehehe
gotta keep on saving and saving...
gotta keep myself busy at work, so i can climb higher...
gotta keep on dreaming, so one day it'll all be a reality like what I did before and always.
gotta keep on being optimistic, gotta keep the faith.
InsyahAllah.....Alhamdullilah for those stuffs that you have given/granted us.
for now, i just feel like skating but weak knees and 84kg is a no-no....
ACDC
ACDC is motivational.
Anyways, I thought I am rather unlucky at times but actually I am. Very. On top of my wonderful wife. I am blessed with choices. Although our journey had bumps here and there but we got to choose, we got to leave.
For now, I am just hoping for that promotion so that I'll get an increment cos the dough is more important than the decor.
I am hoping for that unit. And I am hoping to get chosen to go for advance dip cos that's like a stepping stone to be an educator or home nurse and go on 5day, office hours duty.
I am planning for the future, well actually I have already planned but I didn't know that the plans have to go so slow when executed. In the planning stage, it seemed so easy but I guess reality hit me and was a little disappointed but in actual fact it is still ongoing, it never failed.
Thanks wifey for keeping me in track, I realize I can be weak at times.
Anyways, whatever it is, we have tried, that's most important. The rest we leave it to God to decide.
Back in black
I hit the sack
I've been too long I'm glad to be back
Yes, I'm let loose
From the noose
That's kept me hanging about
I've been looking at the sky
'Cause it's gettin' me high
Forget the hearse 'cause I never die
I got nine lives
Cat's eyes
Abusin' every one of them and running wild
CHORUS:
'Cause I'm back
Yes, I'm back
Well, I'm back
Yes, I'm back
Well, I'm back, back
(Well) I'm back in black
Yes, I'm back in black
Back in the back
Of a Cadillac
Number one with a bullet, I'm a power pack
Yes, I'm in a bang
With a gang
They've got to catch me if they want me to hang
Cause I'm back on the track
And I'm beatin' the flak
Nobody's gonna get me on another rap
Don't look at me now
I'm just makin' my play
Don't try to push your luck, just get out of my way
CHORUS
Well, I'm back, Yes I'm back
Well, I'm back, Yes I'm back
Well, I'm back, back
Well I'm back in black
Yes I'm back in black
hooo yeah
Ohh yeah
Yes I am
Oooh yeah, yeah Oh yeah
Back in now
Well I'm back, I'm back
Back, I'm back
Back, I'm back
Back, I'm back
Back, I'm back
Back
Back in black
Yes I'm back in black
Out of the sight!
Sad
No doubt I'm hurt. A minute ago, I was about to give in to my emotions, sadness and all BUT then again I realized I have been thru worse and I pulled through. I realized my strength and like vacuum, my tear ducts sucked in all those tears and in the bottom of my heart goes 'so what!'.
I think it's God's way of testing me or his way of making me realizing my strengths or his way of punishing me for my deeds last time. I don't know, only HE knows.
Along the way home, my brain runs like the noise on my Suzuki, it ran through a flight of thoughts and ideas. It's like on nitro.
Many things coming up, I know it'll be tough but I bet I can do it with the support of my love Nurain. Plans will still be carried on, dreams still lives.
Eh budak!
Eh budak, seblom kau cakap kau selidik dulu boleh? Kalau senang sangat dapat rumah ingat aku nak duduk dengan nenek kau yng merepek, suka sindir2 orang, bila friday night nengok keroncong sampai pagi tak ingat dunia, tak ingat mati? Pikir lah babe.
If getting a flat is so simple, I would've move out already.
I don't need your help, I never asked, you offered. If you never offer, I would've still be staying in Teck Whye Lane but then, everything happened for a reason, like my wife said. Else, probably I wouldn't be close with Ain and who knows even not ending up together. So thanks hor on that part. Other than that, please use your brain or at least read the papers and keep yourself updated cos even if you don't trust me, you can trust Straits Times right? Go ahead trust your demented, psychotic, altered mental state granny for all you care. Cos come Sunday bye2.....although it meant me forking out $600 per month, I'd rather be paying that than paying bills for someone who diss my wife, cos they'd be drinking the water from what I paid, my hard earned money. No blood and tears lah, don't bedek lah ......
I am so tempted to paste the post that I saved over here but anyways you posting it on facebook was public enough and hey just showed that you are an angel with the brains of a 3 year old. LoL
Gnite peeps. You want trouble? I can give you trouble, my pleasure.
Check, Check it out
For those still into skateboarding, no matter whether you still skate or not, here's a link whereby it'll be a one stop place covering all about skateboarding, in Singapore mainly and throughout the region and also elsewhere around the globe. I feel it's great for those who's lazy to surf through the wide web. Cos TFM will get you all the scoops you wanna know bout skateboarding. For those who still have skateboarding within their souls, check out>>>
I want to break free
God knows I want to break free....
Even if it meant paying a rent amounting of up to $400 more.
I'd rather be out of this hell hole.....
I only wish I hadn't move out of Teck Whye....
If you get pleasure by being a nosey fucker and spreading untrue gossips 'bout my wife or me, may you hot in hell. May you rot further for all the backstabbing.
Updates
Life, same ol same ol....
Still hoping to get a flat very very soon.....some ppl dissed me, if you were not that old, I would've told you off, she's my wife after all, you diss her, you diss me too. You're lucky, very very lucky. Cos I rarely keep it inside and pretend nothing happened. I find solutions, I confront, I get things solved or resolved but that too depends on the other party.
Anyways Mr.Assistant Director called in most of us yesterday for the pay adjustment thingy. Well, not much change, took away one allowance, increment a little to level out. Just hoping July's increment will be better. Promising talk with MR.ADN though, he said MOST PROBABLY I'd be in for a promotion, 1 up and next batch of advance diploma. Sounds good, he tell me to think, plan and decide by mid-May what I wanna do in IMH, what are my plans and give him a call, degree or advance diploma.
Pros & Cons....
Degree, I have to fork out 50% which I think I need the money more for my new life, maybe new flat eh? And what's more, part time degree a little scary..
So I think, I'll opt for the Advance Diploma, since its full time 8mth course. Although I rugi a little on all allowances but then, I can concentrate more and weekends super free.....woots!
Looking forward, looking forward.....wish me luck peeps...
Back to reality
After the Bali break, finally back to reality....work...
A friend told me something like why I didn't grab the opportunity to do what he did but looking at my friends whom had no time for anything else. I'd rather not, I'd want to earn more but not at the expense of sacrificing time with my love ones. I know that's tough to do but I am sure I can, just need the right time and luck.
So far I made $50 in total from my ebay-trade. It's minimal and tiny as compared as to years ago where I make $300-400 per month. Motorcycle accessories are slower to go and tougher on the capital. I am still waiting from my fren to go to china to check out some stuffs. If it's worth taking the risk, I might just jump into it.
I tried to be more positive at the slow sale. I view it as more of a savings account. Example, I bought an item at $240 to be sold, I view it as saving $240 and when I manage to sell it, I get to withdraw it with an interest. And I buy things that I can use, so if it really is not able to sell, I can use it for myself.
Yes, I know I am a little ambitious and small scale isn't going to earn me much. I think I will consult my mechanic friend end of the year if time is right, if I can put the products I bring in at his workshop. Also a flat of my own would help so that I can store some of my products in a vacant room.
I am also thinking of bringing in shoes and clothings but that will have to wait.
The tour guide on our back home said something inspiring, something like if we think we can, we will. I also remembered this saying 'if it's worth doing, then it is worth doing it well'. I just saw my friend's fb acct, with the orders he get from printing stickers 7bikes, 7cars. that's pretty good for an individual part-time business. I regret not continuing doing it, cos partly I had troubles with doing the template. Anyways that line now has alot of competition, unless you stand out from the rest, then its worth venturing again. Plus that requires time, space, patience and practice. Even if I wanna venture in that again, I have to wait till I have my own home.
I just have dreams, dreams of retiring away from Singapore......Malacca, Solo-indonesia or anywhere else.....
Hullo
Good afternoon blogger...
It's been awhile since I post something here time flies eh?
I'm down with upper respiratory tract infection, my tonsils were swollen with spots on it....urggh...must be the snacks. On antibiotics and getting better, 2 days medical leave. Sometimes you just need to get away from work. I love my work you know, sometimes I bring light to the patients, I get satisfaction when I make them happy knowing that they are abandoned and unwanted by society. Some of them when they discharge, they get shunned upon, family and society refuse to give them anymore chances at life. They refuse to understand their condition is chronic and lifelong and family support is super important.
Like me, I am glad I have all the support I need, from my wife, my parents, my relatives, my family, my friends whom are very understanding, my subordinates, my colleagues......Although I can't deny there's some whose against me but hey I got no time for them either. Sometimes we just have to see that we are very fortunate as compared to some others out there. Right?
Friday, we'll be flying to Bali.....wooohooo...
I love traveling and I hope November will be a reality, I really wanna go somewhere further. I can't wait for this Friday and November.
My life, still much more to achieve.....
A flat of my own, Car(&license of course) and stability.
And I wanna start planning my retirement plan, I still haven't decide if I should retire here or elsewhere. Cos I wouldn't want to work once I retire. I can see that the living expenses here is rather high and I might have to work in my old age if I do not have enough savings. I've considered Malacca(since I have relatives there) or Solo-Indonesia(since Dad is there) or maybe elsewhere where my relatives are but I still prefer asia.
I stumble across a seller (of a flat) that was quite promising, I might just have my own flat pretty soon. Wish me luck guys. Although its in an area that is rather foreign to me but hey its not really far from everybody. It's abit further from the in-laws but nearer to work and nearer to mom and frens in the west. I hope for the best. I hope I am lucky this time round.
Work...
I hope I get what I think I will get...praying hard and thanks all for having faith in me.
I also hope I get that Advance-Diploma place.
Trading
I have kicked out trading....woots....
Will try vpost next time round, I'm going to sell the set I am purchasing to fund for my own...woots!
free to decide?
Free? My ass...
Not when you are tied down 'cos of circumstances and consequences.
Not when it meant that it could jeopardize your career path.
Not when money comes in between your decision making.
Not when, your decision to way of life is frowned upon cos of the couple of black sheep.
Not when people still stereotype.
Not when discrimination still exist though much more subtle and 'unseen'
Many factors made us less free to decide. And I guess some of you out there are feeling it too...
additional plus
I think I wanna start doing part-time stuffs again....
-In around 2002-2004, part of my additional income came from trading on ebay, I buy and sell parts, clothes, accessories, helmets and almost anything to do with vespa. I made quite a fair share, if I remembered correctly close to $400-500 a month. That's good nuff back then and I wasn't fully aggressive, if I did, I think I can do better.
-In 2005 I did MLM for elken but I didn't have the supportive network, so I kinda slowly come to a halt...
-In 2007, I printed t-shirts and tried selling them off, some were sold at sheikh's skate store but guess they don't support new labels much.
-Same year towards 2008, I started trading cameras, get good deals online and sell back at small profit, I also brought in stuffs from Hongkong and managed to sell them off for some profit that made it possible for me to indulge in my hobby back then.
-In 2008 I joined LFI but my new job keeps me too busy and working shifts doesn't help but I think I will go back to trying the products first, then slowly market it within my networks.
-also 2008, tried selling graffiti products got from KL and Japan but got poor response, so stopped.
-Same year, supermoto craze was in, managed to make a couple of extra bucks, trading supermoto related items. But all the earnings went to additional spares that I needed...hehehe...
Now, I am looking at other avenues of additional income that requires the least time so that I don't have to sacrifice my time with my family and of course my lovely friends. Money is not everything you know, I have a dream but then if it meant being away from everyone I love then its not worth it. Just watched Afdlin's 'Papadom'....I don't want to be like him. If you can give your family everything but you are never around, what's the point?
dreams
There's still many of my dreams that i have yet to make a reality or even start working on it. For some of them I don't know how to even start, I don't even have a clue. For some, it's the time and cost factor and maybe a little fear-factor.
I just hope I'd be guided a little a long the way. I know I am able to achieve some of them, it's onlya matter of time.
I also feel that I need to give back a little, I am considered fortunate enough as compared to many less fortunate souls out there. Even that littlest things like parting with the loose change in your pocket means alot. I feel that's part of the purpose in life as humans, to help out when we can within our means.
I also pray for those engulfed with 'evil' in their own little box. May they be forgiven and steer back to the less 'evil' route. One day I am sure they will realise their wrong-doings.
I feel that till this date, I am still misunderstood but I don't care anymore cos' I know at least my love ones knows who I am, why I do stuffs a certain way and what my real plans are.
Everybody wants the best for themselves and the people they love but sometimes all those won't come immediately. Not everyone is as fortunate.
As Haji Rawi once told me:
'if you have a car, look at those who have to brave the sun and rain on their motorbikes. And if you own a motorbike look at those who have to cycle to work. And if you have a bicycle, look at those who have to walk.'
His words reminded me to be thankful and not to frown upon what we cannot get and not to look down on others.
Undead Hobbies
Watching skate-podcasts just makes me wanna skate again....that brings me to the flab....I don't think I can skate with this amount of flab and the race-suit that's hanging by the wall, I don't even know if I can fit in those. More runs, yeah more runs....cos I wanna skate as well as race again......so heratnor, get ur knee to recover fast! and changi tracks c'mmon speed up the construction....
I am glad though my wife enjoys running as much as me, so far we ran twice short runs as a married couple, this Sunday yeah? Let's seen how far we can run after 2months of being inactive preparing for our wedding back then. Let's hit that 10km again and hopefully adidas sundown? halfy? I think we can do it...:)
I can't wait till november, a proper trip. Destination? Have yet to be confirmed cos it all depends on whether or not we got a flat by then cos if we do, I'd be guessing we need loads of dough for the flat.
Anyhoos, gotta go....
Dear wifey, love ya always.....love me too aight?
You Already Did...
You already did love me so much even before we got together. Yesterday was when I realize the zoo-york you bought me actually cost that much. You shouldn't have seriously, but hey I appreciate it. Thanks love. I know you already love me when you got me my birthday presents in 2008(yes I got 3 presents) but I did not know one of them cost that much. I know it's not cheap but I did not expect it to cost so much, no wonder I don't see anyone else wearing it...hehehe...
Anyways, I am glad I am very much accepted into the family. Although I must say, I am still a little shy. It starts all over again, in this chapter of my life, trying to adapt to a new family. First one was when I decided to go on my own and stay with Bird, his mom accepted me as part of the family(I should pay her a visit one day). Where in the world can you get a landlord who says the rent is 'ikhlas'? Then after my cousin offered me a place in his then empty flat, again I had to adapt to a new family, my cousin's that is. Then when his grandparents move in, I again tried to adapt living with them.
Now my in laws....
I am glad however in all, they accepted me, without a problem. I pray for them, their health and well-being, InsyahAllah God will grant my 'Doa' for these wonderful beings.
Although I am not blessed with a perfect family, with a perfect life, I think I am one of the most luckiest dude on earth. Everywhere I go, somehow there's welcoming hands to offer me some assistance in one way or another to make my life more pleasant. Alhamdulillah.......
I am thankful but I do want better, so right now, I am really hoping for good news come July and I really hope they'd send me for that advance dip. It's almost 2years now in IMH, time flies. Thank god for this job, the stability, the pay, the benefits, it's actually more than I expected. Although in Singapore context it's nothing much but at least it's comfortable enough for daily average living.
I am now really really really hoping for my own flat. I hope the coming HDB sales we will end up with a flat. It doesn't matter if it's not perfect, we just need our own shelter.
I love my life now....
Deliberate?
I am not happy. I hope it was not done deliberately, if it was, screw you no matter how much I respect you.
Even if it is not, I already am starting house hunting, I spent about 2 hours of my night shift reading through housing issues and something new sounds good to me, we now can get 3-room flats(provided if its from a mature estate) if I interpret correctly, the combined household ceiling income for 3 rooms is 8k. That's pretty good news cos now we don't need a 4rm flat, we just need a place of our own, even if we have kids, it'll be perfect, the kids will be 5years old at least before we are allowed to move, just nice. The issue is if there's a boy and a girl and when they reach puberty, we need to separate them, that's the main issue as a muslim. So for the time being I'd make do with a 3rm flat. It ain't so bad, at least I know my wife wouldn't mind. Anyways it'll be much more comfortable on the payment side, at least it won't totally wipe out off our cpf, at least we got spare maybe for investments or hospital claims, etc...
I am going DIY, if it's too troublesome, I'd seek my friend's help.
My entry yesterday had something about spare a thought for others, clearly nuff some people don't probably cos they don't understand our situation, yes we are menumpang if that's any clearer.
lonely
It's weird maybe its because we just got married.
Today, I know how you felt when I had to go to work and you were all alone at home, lonely, that's how you felt. It's ok if I am on morning shift cos before you know it I'll be home but if I am on PM shift or night shift, I think it'd feel like ages. That's how I am feeling today as I am resting at home waiting for my next night shift, you are away at work from 9 to 6pm and to make things worst, I don't even get to see you for 2 hours like yesterday. But at least I got to see you for about an hour this morning....
Anyways, I am so looking forward to our trips we plan this year. I just hope we be able to make it financially and a flat from HDB would certainly help. Cos for one huge reason, we don't have to fork up any cash, even if we have to it'd be minute as to compared the tens of thousands the open market asking for. And with our own home too, we'd be having much more privacy and can pretty much do whatever we want and not confined to just this tiny room of ours.
I am sorry too, my friends that I can't tag along for the April trip, I very much want to tag but many factors stop me from doing so. I guess it's kinda blessing. The main reason was the pinoys, it's Good Friday, so priority goes to them when it comes to leave.
And the factor is of course, I am saving up for many things to come including our much awaited trip in November, location have yet to be confirmed cos it all depends on the budget and if anything crops up, like the flat. And of course the blessing is, I need not leave my poor wife all lonely, cos from 5th onwards I'd be doing my national service for a week, If I go for the trip, poor thing she'd not be seeing me for a good 2 weeks.
Now I understand how tough my friends had to choose between family and friends, so I guess you singles or those ignorant can self-reflect or spare a thought when we as husband and wife have plans sometimes. Although we are married, that does not mean our life stops there and furthermore for people like me on shifts, time together sometimes are hard to come by. So just spare a little thought kay?
Speaking of which our plans last Tuesday had to be changed a little for many reason. Partly I wasn't feeling too good and secondly my Yai is in High-dependency in NUH. Of course my Yai is my priority, I only wish I have the means to look after him. It pains me to see him in such a condition, I hope there'll be some justice if what he said is true and not only came from the 'confused' him. If what he said is true, I hope there'd be some justice, the 'inhuman' part of me just want 'an eye for an eye' but the civilized me just pray that they'd realize what they had done was wrong. I hope my Yai will be better taken care of after he leave NUH. I think a nursing home is a better place for him cos at least he's taken care of 24/7 and by paid professionals not by half-willing individuals or unskilled maids.
I just hope when I grow old that wouldn't be my fate. Ain told me, 'treat your children like how you want them to treat you', well that can be true but that can be otherwise too cos I still believe in the saying 'spare the rod, spoil the child'. I'd love my kids no doubt but discipline is discipline, the old skool way.
I am still disturbed by issues around me, I just hope some parties wake up. I know I shouldn't say alot but then I am starting to dislike some people here and sad to say they are my family.
I pity those who have to shoulder their burden and responsibilities.
I pity those who have to suffer for them.
I pity those who receive sufferings from them.
It angers me to learn what they have done.
The above 4 sentences applies to various around me, it's kinda private to say who they are cos after all they are family but then please lah wake up. InsyahAllah one day they will, I pray to God. I am unhappy but yes I am helpless cos theres nothing I can do or able to do. I just hope things will be better.
For those with rosy-near-perfect life, please spare a thought for those with many imperfections. Like the pakcik at work told me, 'if you have a bicycle, look at those who have to walk and think how fortunate you are'. Thinking this way. makes us thankful for what we have and makes us understands the not so easy life others might have and also makes us more careful with our own.
Spare a thought be thoughtful, it's not all about fun and accomplishing your 'cool' life and concerns only, when others unable to, think why before letting your anger sets in and then negatively think about them. Likewise with views, we come from different backgrounds, when one is against some stuff, they have their reasons but if you are along the same line, go ahead.
My twilight galaxy
Did they tell you, you should grow up when you wanted to dream?
Did they warn you, better shape up if you wanna succeed?
Well, I don't care really what they say, although I'd be lying if I said it doesn't affect me one bit. But hell yeah, I did things the way I am. I didn't fall into the mould, I did once and I headed nowhere. Engineering my balls. I should've went ahead with my dreams of doodling but now thats a tat too late to do so. So I chosen a different path but this time my own. I did things the way I wanted.
Now, I'm on this with my soulmate and it's only fair we steer this together. It's great enough that she's the most understanding person on earth next to mom. She would evaluate and assess and then give a go-ahead if there's nothing wrong with what I wanna do or give a constructive comment otherwise.
I'm 30 already going on 31 and I still have dreams, my life doesn't stop at having a family and a stable job, I wanna push myself, my own way. The thing is, sometimes I need to focus a little more, I know I can do it, just need a little more focus.
I can't wait to get my own flat, and pretty much settle everything on the 'family' aspect. I wanna settle this quick so I can further my studies and hopefully with more private hospitals coming up, I have more opportunities if my future where I am at seem bleak. By then I guess I would have at least 5years of experience. I am still not leaving out the overseas opportunities options but then, things happening down here kinda part of the factor that kills the keen factor. Like mostly family issues.....I am on a mission to save the weak and bullied, I think I can do something about it or at least contribute.
Life is alot more complex than just earning your meals and to entertain yourself when you are feeling down or much needed it.
If you are just concerned about that, I guess you are pretty much indifferent from the patients I face everyday. It's easy when everything's perfect without conflicts and all. Mine, I grew up with lots of it.
I'm just glad that life seems much better, the future too seems much more promising. I just hope everything falls into place, like the flat and the degree. And hopefully after that, little ones....insyahAllah.....
U have no say!
While printing the wedding fotos for dad, I realized...
No matter what, you're still my dad. If not for you, I'd not be here or even exist.
Blood ties can never be severed.
Thanks for coming all the way from Solo-Indonesia. I appreciate it pak. I'll come visit you someday if time and finances permits. Love you...
Single no more.
You're the one, indeed.
I love you to the core.
Nuff said, the rest is self-explanatory.
You're my side-kick in the journey we had already embarked on...
