5th November

We made our way to Nenek's place after Subh'. There he lay in the living room, lifeless and still. The memory of his smiles, laughters and jokes were still vivid in my mind. It's like it was just yesterday that we talked, it's like it was just yesterday that I saw him lively and very much alive. It was just like moments ago. The sight at the airport suddenly came back and immediately saddened me, I went out cos that is not what I want to remember but it just wouldn't go away.

I pulled out pieces of paper and my phone as I tried to memorize all prayers that I copied. I regret not having prepared enough even though I got that 'dream' few months back. I did not get the hint, I took it easy. I went in again to say prayers for him, only to discover I fumble at reading the Quran, that's for not reading it regularly and no desperately I read like a kid who was just learning.

My brother, my cousin and myself assisted throughout the funeral, in cleansing up to the burial. That few hours somehow provided me relief, that was the last thing I could do for him, I tried to do it at my best. I wiped his face with love as blood seeped out(cos he vomited blood on the plane). I kissed his forehead before covering him up, that was the final and in many years only kiss for my dad. My brother broke down after his turn, the tears I witheld just flowed out continuosly as I see him in that state. Being his elder brother I tried my best to console him.

When we finally lay him in the pit, lying facing the Qiblah, when I opened the coverings to reveal his face, my heart just sank as I placed some soil on his nose. When I covered him up again, I knew I'd never see him again, perhaps only in photos or in memories which will always be there.

I pray to God everyday from that day, that all his sins will be forgiven and will be put in heaven. InsyahAllah.

My Father, Ali Bin Atan, I want you to know I love you so and I am missing you. you never got the chance to see my new home, to see the arrival of your grandchild next year. Till we meet again Dad.