I can't believe how I can cry whenever I miss you dear father.......

I never had enough of you when I was younger.......

Just when we were about to get much and much closer, just when I thought I will have more precious times with you, just when I thought you'd see my own family grew.....just when I thought I'd see you hug and kiss your own grandson.....

You had to go.....I am willing but I am not lying I miss you....

Sometimes I wonder if I had done enough when you were around......sometimes I regret not spending the cash I have on a plane ticket to where you are.....

I miss you goes out to you 5 times a day, I hope you are well rested. I hope to see you the first thing when I go. I love you.

I want to tell my son, how much I love you and I want him to love me as much as I do love you, if not more.....

I miss you Ali bin Atan.....

For I am just another human being.

I am sorry if I don't approve of your behaviors. I am sorry if I think that your behavior is disgusting. I am sorry if I decide not to socialize with you even though we have some sort of family ties in the name of safety as forewarned by grandmother. I am sorry if my dreams bother you, my dreams of achieving a better life actually makes you think negatively of me. I am sorry if expressing my thoughts is such a crime even though I had no hurt intent. I am sorry if being me bothers you, then I am sorry that I have to beg of you to leave me alone for what you feel might in turn bother me because that wasn't intended. I am sorry if my thoughts gave you a need and obligation to express your sympathy. I am sorry if you feel that I whine too much and it is so unnecessary for me to feel in such a way. I am sorry though if one day you have to experience what I experienced. I am sorry though one day if God decide to put you in my shoes.

I am sorry I meant no harm to anyone in this whole wide planet. If I do harm anyone, it is purely accidental or in the name of self defence. Even peace loving Gandhi defends himself. Even peace loving Muhammad fights for his rights.

I am sorry for just being me, if you do not like what you read or see, please by all means don't. Thank you very much, I appreciate it, gracias.

5th November

We made our way to Nenek's place after Subh'. There he lay in the living room, lifeless and still. The memory of his smiles, laughters and jokes were still vivid in my mind. It's like it was just yesterday that we talked, it's like it was just yesterday that I saw him lively and very much alive. It was just like moments ago. The sight at the airport suddenly came back and immediately saddened me, I went out cos that is not what I want to remember but it just wouldn't go away.

I pulled out pieces of paper and my phone as I tried to memorize all prayers that I copied. I regret not having prepared enough even though I got that 'dream' few months back. I did not get the hint, I took it easy. I went in again to say prayers for him, only to discover I fumble at reading the Quran, that's for not reading it regularly and no desperately I read like a kid who was just learning.

My brother, my cousin and myself assisted throughout the funeral, in cleansing up to the burial. That few hours somehow provided me relief, that was the last thing I could do for him, I tried to do it at my best. I wiped his face with love as blood seeped out(cos he vomited blood on the plane). I kissed his forehead before covering him up, that was the final and in many years only kiss for my dad. My brother broke down after his turn, the tears I witheld just flowed out continuosly as I see him in that state. Being his elder brother I tried my best to console him.

When we finally lay him in the pit, lying facing the Qiblah, when I opened the coverings to reveal his face, my heart just sank as I placed some soil on his nose. When I covered him up again, I knew I'd never see him again, perhaps only in photos or in memories which will always be there.

I pray to God everyday from that day, that all his sins will be forgiven and will be put in heaven. InsyahAllah.

My Father, Ali Bin Atan, I want you to know I love you so and I am missing you. you never got the chance to see my new home, to see the arrival of your grandchild next year. Till we meet again Dad.

4th November

It was 4th November 10+Pm when we arrived at the airport waiting for my Dad and stepmother to arrive. We spent the time waiting talking and joking and little did we expect what was going to happen. We did expect him to be wheeled out to an ambulance if his condition is real bad but we did not expect him to die upon arriving. When I saw he was being wheeled his mouth wide open and looking lifeless, I was speechless. I went to him, I touch his skin, it was cool, the staff told me there's still pulse, I tried but it was very faint, very very faint. A part of me told me he's as good as gone, a part of me was in denial as I took out my phone to call for the ambulance. I started to panic after I realized he was not breathing, I was lost, my nursing skills all just disappear just like that. I called up the SCDF again, "He is not breathing! how long you'll reach here?" The SCDF told me if there is pulse I cannot proceed with CPR, I felt his pulse, very faint at the same time the part of me that is in denial felt it there, as though he is still alive. When the ambulance arrived, he is gone, there is nothing I could do but hope for miracles to happen as I see them preparing the defibrillator and oxygen. Tears start to well up but I tried to stay calm giving the SCDF as much information as possible. In the ambulance, all along the way I was thinking what I could've done and why is this happening.

At the hospital was the most painful moments of my life, watching my father go. The drugs and infusion the emergency staff gave him helped revive him but I can see the fluctuation of his pulse, which is no good. I was shaken, I felt weak but a part of me still not giving up hope yet. It pains me more to see my aunt, my grandma and all in tears, it pains me more to see her pray to God asking Him to save my father at the same time thanking him that He brought back her son although in this condition.

They gave the transfusion shortly, it was already 5th of November, around 1am. His pulse showed 70bpm on the monitor. I know it was temporary but I was in a state of denial, I was relieved for a moment and that was stupid of me because it only pulled me down harder when he finally go. Still in disbelief, I stroked his cold hands as I watched my family cry. I kiss his forehead, I whispered to him in his ear, "Bapak ingat Tuhan, Allahu Akbar, mintak tolong dari dia, jangan give up, lawan..." that was the hopeful final sentences I said to him even though I knew he was already brain dead, I was hoping for miracles. The times I was outside of the e-room was spent praying countless times that God will save him.

The inevitable came at 0212hrs, he was pronounced dead. We went in everyone just cried, everyone felt the loss. As we waited for everything to settle(the paperworks and all) I spent my time alone in the room with him, looking at his face speechless, wondering what he went through on the flight, the pain and all. Remorse also filled me for not being a good the same time, verses from the Quran just went mumbling through my lips in hope that he God will give him a place in heaven and save him from hell-fire.

I went home to change after his body was transported to Nenek's place. I was still in a state of disbelief, I cried at Subh' I Dua' for him in my prayers, tears I could not hold back as I read the verses, my chest aches, my head throbs. My mind was filled with disbelief, regrets and remorse. I already miss him by then. I regret not missing him as much when he was still alive.


His death was a big shock to me, I guess I took for granted that he will still be around for at least in years to come. He lied to us about his health, he never disclosed of what he was suffering from (LIver cancer and Liver chirrosis both caused by Hep B). He said he was fine but he did mention what the Dr. told him. Complacency prompted everyone not to ask questions because he looked fine and was fine and said he was fine already. The regret is there but as a muslim, I believe it is his time, what happened was just a reason for him to pass on but his time was actually written, when and where.

I love him dearly even though most of my childhood was without him but I can't blame him cos my parents divorced when I was only two. I know he loves me, cos occasionally he still did pick me up and spent a whole day with me. That was the time I always treasure and of course the fact that I get to buy an action figure/toys whenever we go out. I can still recall how excited I was when he called up that he wanted to bring me out. I can still remember how I ignored everyone and was left in a world of my own when I got back, at least for that day. The memories still vivid.

As I grew older, I get 'poisoned' by people around me saying he don't care etc. I get angry at their remarks, I even got myself kicked out cos I fought back. Although it did not affect me much but I did wonder if what they say was true. His temper, does not help too, my father like me do get angry at times and did stuffs or say things he shouldn't have a times which he did not mean. I had forgiven him long2 time ago.

One thing I regret, I did not visit him enough, instead I was selfish, I seek my own joy. We were so close, we at Bali, we could have took a domestic plane to visit him at Solo but I never initiated. My leave in November, I spent my time painting my living room and my salary on paints and stuffs where we actually planned to visit but cancelled cos we got a house. When I told my uncle of this on the way back after the burial, tears just flowed out, somehow, I think I am selfish.

Congrats to all 3.

Congrats to 2 of my friends and a 2nd cousin. Alhamdullilah, my Du'a goes to all the three couple.


1.Mitsubishi D5
2.Honda Freed
3.Suzuki APV
4.Toyota Alphard
5.Kia Carnival
6.Proton Exora

Family first. For the first 4 most probably I can only afford a weekend car. Proton Exora not bad either. Need the space, so that the whole family can jalan-jalan. AND if Changi Track starts operating I hope I can fit my supermoto in one of these after collapsing the seats....hehehehehe....

young and dangerous

Is HE satisfied?

'Yes it's easy to blame everything on the west,
Well in fact all focus should be on ourselves.' ~ Maher Zain.

It's always easier to blame everyone else, definitely.