currently im torn, i dunno if i should leave or i should stay.....cos apparently its going nowhere bcos i dunno how to 'perform', im just there for the sake of the other for the sake of it. ure right, probably im too dumb enough to know how u feel. like i said, probably im too selfish occupying my time with my dreams and for u, ur dream was only to be with me perhaps. and i guess i simply shattered tt when i said dun put hope on me cos i still got a long way to go.probably im insesnsitive, im dumb and probably we a little too much too different. everythings not going so right recently, for instance like my harmless msgs were perceived as mean and me preoccupied with school was seen as neglect.
i dunno the real issue tts driving us apart, our differences, my 'career'/dreams or us keeping quiet each time we go out or the blandness in our relatiohship like u mentioned in ur blog. my attempts obviously failed, our outings are simply like u tagging along for the sake of tagging along....u said i was like spiritualy elsewhere and maybe ure right, i worry too much about my studies but i never see u as a burden, i went out willingly in hope to see a difference but weekly it remained the same and sometimes worse, we are like 2 person in a blind date, we simply dont connect but wen u meet ur distant or old frens, u simply lighten up, laugh and u behave like ure so happy and i notice tt i cant make u happy like that again.
i might be selfish in saying what i said last night bout me wanting u to keep ur options open is my way of saying tt u deserve a better guy who can give u attention and probably can make u laugh more often and smile more often and can give u all the attention u need. u deserve better than me, whos not spiritualy there, who do not know how u feel, who is insensitve, who is the ingredient in the blandness, who is mean, who is selfish. my reason for asking u to keep ur options open is bcos i dun want to drag u thru something tt neither of us is really really happy with.
thru the night i was wondering if school was the only reason and what really made it bland.....i was thinking bout the possible factors. our differences, which we try to adapt to each other has kinda limit our weekly outings with pretty much little things to do cos we ran out of things we could do together and one more thing even wen we go out, we tend to look at different things, all of a sudden i find u missing cos u were looking at something else......in short we dont share most of our interests. i stopped going to performances of watever sort bcos i know u dont enjoy it and my hobbies we're like nothing of interest u and the things i like too. theres so many different things about us tt we've been trying to adapt to, even our behaviours, my roughness versus ur sensitivity. my adventure seeking versus ur calmness, my socializing with frens versus ur solidarityness. and probably somemore things tt i cant recall cos my head really hurts right now, honest. thru the staing into space thoughts thru the night i felt both of us were really trying hard to adapt to each other, if not i guess up till now u wouldnt even be riding pillon on my bike and thnks to u, im a more 'relaxed' rider right now. even though when im alone i rarely speed, tt i must thnk u. cos its for my safety.
heres wat i feel from the bottom of my heart, its the ramdhan and this is the truth.....we're getting nowhere, though we keep trying each week, we're getting 'bland'(even u mentioned tt). we're too busy with each other's stuff, u work 7days a week and me and my dreams, we are little too different for each other tt at times i hurt u unknowingly, we dont have things tt we can enjoy doing together except probably roaming ard town and movies which we seldom watch too. we have too great reponsibilities to meet to which probably is the cos of both of us i must say not being spiritually present.(the school and the family). we dont share frens which probably could help us getting closer to each other and discovering each other more.
i jus dun want to hurt u nani, i dun want to drag u thru something tts providing u more headaches everyday, i symphatize u n ur responsibilities and i dun want to be another to u. i feel like im a small kid ure trying to please and i feel tt on my part i failed to please u or make our relationship work and i hate the fact tt im the gallons of water tt made our relationship bland. and the other thing is i know, u deserve better rather than me, im fat, im still a nobody and ive still got a long way to go until wen i probably am able to make u happy.
frankly, i still am unsure, undecisive, i do not know if we should keep on trying i do not know if i should stay or go cos either ways im hurting u too much. im sorry, honest, wen i say sorry i mean it. i hope u forgive me, these are jus some thoughts of mine tt i never get to say out in our conversation. and i hope no matter what happen, we can still keep in touch and be frens if say we deicde on calling it quits.....:(
i do not know if id ever meet someone who loves me so much, frankly ive never did meet someone who loves me for who and what i am. i appreciate ur undying love, thank you for loving me and tt is why i feel its not fair for u. watever it is, for now, i leave it to God, cam orang melayu kata kalau dah jodoh takkan ke mana. lets now focus on our responsibilities, u makin ur mom happy and me trying to make my mom smile when her son is finally there.....
im dumb
i hate myself for wat i did
i told nani what i felt and i think she hated me.....i dunno i think its better that i told her than i keep her in the dark but i guess i took the wrong approach and she hated me for what i felt.....i think im selfish.....u ppl out there can hate me too if u want to.
one more thing, i think nani should take control of her life rather than let her mom control her...its not tt im asking her to go against her mother but at least speak up for the sake of her life too......
take care nani, im sorri for what ive said, i do not want to hurt u any further......and i hope u dont shut me out jus like tt, i hope we can still keep in touch. i really am sorri. :(
gnite peepz.
contradicting....irony....sigh
i dunno wats happening....i dunno, im lost....
i cant say it out, im uncertain and i think im being rather unfair....
lets drop tt, back to my progress... im doing fine but rather but kinda lagging behind a little but im glad that im learning new things each and everyday.....today there was an exhibition by the advance dip ppl and seeing them really inspires me more to become a nurse and in a couple of years time, i wanna be there too, studying further into medicine.....
this nursing course actually makes me wonder how the doctors are able to remember everything....theres so much thing to the body.....i really admire them.....if i would be able to turn back time, i wouldve study hard and even if not tt far, i wouldve opted for nursing rather than engineering.....its much more interesting....and its working with ur ownself, ur own body.....although some of the duties of a nurse is rather 'dirty' as some ppl would say(m refering to cleaning after the client defecate etc) im not taken back by tt, rather i see as helping another soul who cant help themselves and for all i know, it would be temporary, if i work hard enough, i wouldnt have to clean so much...hahah, my juniors would........and some of the duties really makes me wonder if i could actually do it on a live person....like for example putting on a ureasheath(a condom like thingy for the incontinent) on a real patient. heres a dummy....hehhe 
imagine this, i will have to actually touch another person's penis.....oh my gawd......but hey its part and parcel of being a nurse.
exams approaching soon and stress level is beyond description but im adapting well to it, though not in a healthy manner. im eating more and sleeping more.....geesh....the healthy way would be to exercise but time forbids me to do so.......and the push ups i do is only adding mass to me and not making me loose the fats, i need to jog again once exams are over.....ive gained 5kg in since july....wah lau wei, tts like a kg each mth.....im overweight alright i need to loose at least 10kg......i will before my 27th birthday, believe me i will.......
hmm i hope u enjoy my entry, ud be seeing less of it or probably the opposite as exams approaching in 3 weeks time.....
got a couple of assessments next week, mostly on skills....wish me luck frens......
oh oh
apparently the links on my blog is gone....i never save the old template thus taking away all the links....those who wants to link me pls leave ur blog addy behind... :)
and ouh to muslims out there happy ramadhan........
