Thank you Mom.

As Syawal approaches and as Ramadan comes to an end, I can't help thinking bout my imperfect family life. Since I was 2years old, I was raised mainly by my mother with the help of my grandparents. I've never felt what it is like to have a father and a mother under one roof. I've never experienced 'salam' and giving hugs to both parents when I leave for work or school. I've never experienced having dinner together as a whole family. Even when my mom remarried, I never felt that cos partly I was old enough to know he's not my dad and to makes things worse he never really take me as his own son.

I am sure my parents have valid reasons for their separation. I am sure it was for the best and probably things could be worse if they remained together. I am not blaming them nor I am angry against my fate. It is just that I envy those families and I wonder how it feels like to have a proper family.

Come next year, I'll have my own but not as a son but as a husband and probably a father as well in the near future, InsyahAllah. In MY family, I will want my kids to experience a proper family life not like mine. I want them to have all the opportunities they can have. I wanna make sure I can provide for them with whatever I can, in all aspect including love. I don't want them to feel neglected and feel not normal in society(although that's only how the narrow minded think). I hope I can achieve that and make a difference in the future blood line.

I pity my siblings, Hazimah and Hazmi for now they are living with their step father cos their mom(whom is my stepmom from my dad's 2nd marriage which failed) passed away early this year due to chronic diabetes. I am glad though they are doing fine and I am glad because of nenek we are still in touch. I hope they do not frown upon their fate but take it as a lesson to bring to their future so as to make it a better one. I know they are smart enough and strong enough to face all challenges. I know they can do it and I hope they seek my help should there be a need.

I feel that I wasn't really a good son but I do want to be the best and hope to be one. I know what my mom wants to see and I know she hopes for the best for me. I hope my mom don't worry too much cos her son here knows how to fend for himself and is on the correct route now. And believe me mom, your son here has got all his plans laid before him, InsyahAllah it'd all go well.

Thanks mom for the upbringing, the values you shared, the strength you passed to me, for without you, I don't think I am where I am now.

More good over bad part II

Yesterday, as I was thinking about how unpleasant my life was since young. Then came to me this wonderful thought that although my life was pretty unpleasant, I actually have some or more pleasant experiences in it. I was actually happy at some points of my life. Thanks to God for granting me the wonderful people around me.

I shall not whine about the unpleasantness in my life cos I don't see a point in doing so.

Thank God for the following that happened in my life:

-First of all thank God for the greatest mom in the whole wide world who brought me up single handedly and managed to get me to where I am today. Believe me, I am not an easy one to bring up.
-Thank God for my strong mental state to go through all the craps in life.
-Thank God I managed to get my 5 credits at O-level although I barely studied cos I don't care much back then.
-Thank God that I completed my Mechanical Engineering Diploma even though its not what I wanted.
-Thank God for being through some crap in army which in a way got me a little stronger mentally and physically.
-Thank God for the wonderful friends and people around me.
-Thank God for the horrible people around me who showed me how ugly we can become if I behaved like them.
-Thank God for a good friend-Iskandar and his mom for providing me with cheap accommodation when I decided I had enough with my step-father's nonsense.
-Thank God for nursing for it made me a better person and it gave me a stable job.
-Thank God for the many accidents that I escaped with minor injuries only.
-Thank God that I never went hungry all these years.
-Thank God for my cousin that offered me free accommodation.
-Thank God for interest in photography which led to the following.
-Thank God for Hairul and Ross and film-photography, if not for them, I wouldn't have met Ain.

And thank God for Nurain, it's definitely worth the wait and going through many unpleasant relationship experiences and of course thank God for the future life we'd be sharing which also probably means a new beginning to many more pleasant journeys. Insya'Allah.

More good over bad.

I was furious today at work, angry although I have to admit I was partly at fault. Then why be angry you may ask? It is because when my superior asked me for an explanation, he didn't really want to listen, in fact he pick out the mistakes from there and although acknowledge the correct things that I did, he really 'pinned' me down on my mistakes although I was not at total fault and I did the necessary to 'protect' myself from being liable. Urggghh...why bother asking when you do not want to listen, just tell me off lah, isn't that alot easier?

And please lah, I beg, you don't have to tailgate me everywhere I go just because I did a minor mistake a couple of weeks ago, which again the same thing happened, explanation refused and still insist on his idea on why it went wrong. I did say and for goodness sake, there's witnesses that I did my job and it was a pure mistake and not that I took shortcuts and neglect my duties. For goodness sake, I am 30years old not some new kid whom just completed school and on his first job. If I left my previous line to join this one, I must have made some serious considerations and I must have plans to make this my job till I retire. Don't you have that tiny part of your brain masses that have space to digest some other ideas/explanation/watever la.....

I'm fine if you pointed out my mistake, I would apologize if it is purely my mistake and will try not to repeat again. Perhaps the next time I should have recorded what I said and the sincere apology that I expressed then replay it again to remind you that I do admit fault if it is mine totally!

Although the incident today affected me, I thought to myself, I did manage to 'escape' and 'redo' in many occasion. So yeah I shall not brood over the few bad instances/experiences at work.

Now I will refuse to speak up my thoughts and ideas, if I have any, I will post it anonymously. I don't see any appreciation in doing so, I will only be doing it for the sake of good and benefit of me and my immediate colleagues.

Now I just hope I really have that drive to get a degree when I am able to(financially and mentally). Then, when the time is right, I wanna teach or if there is a better opportunity outside of Singapore, I'd leave if my other half is agreeable.