ure just plastic

so much so for making me all excited for the museum thingy....it was a big fat joke from sincerely yours....****** , i shant mention names down here...but hey, dun say something thats not even true....i wasnt even fucken invited how embarassing is that? even for a vicious person like me.....gee....

next time dont say something u dun fucken know...i told ya i wasnt invited....tumoro? ar crap....fuck it, id rather laze n glaze by the god created sun, sand n sea....

sometimes, jus sometimes

sometimes i wonder how dumb can i get....sometimes i wonder how dumb can they get...

sleepless again...i hate sleepless nights, shahreil gimme those piritons!

my life's pathetic

i was so confident, that i told shareil 70% id get that job...but its been a week, no calls....haiz....i cant even get a freakin supervisor job at a supermarket...how pathetic is that....

tumoro, my fren kak diyana....she's done alot, calming my crappy self last year, she gave advice n encouragements and stuffs, i appreciate her....but kak, im contemplating whether to go to your wedding or not, its not because i dun want to witness u getting hitch its bcos of wat i feel...i know its rather stupid...but then again i hate to feel wat i would feel, cos i know what im gonna feel, i know myself too well.but ill decide tommorow kak & frankly & seriously i do wanna attend but say if i dunt, im sorry...

hmmmph....im not whining and theres no use complaining...what i can do is to find solutions and improvements....

i have so many things in mind....n that many things require money....for example my independence....im not asking much...cos i know the last time, i acted out of greed. now im not asking much a stable reasonable income is fine.....

my cuzzen's getting married next year...congrats juherman.....n my other cuzzin already has a baby girl.....and muhaled already getting serious...all of them already have a stable income, small or big it doesnt matter...and all of them are settling down...im the eldest among the boys...but i think im the slowest to progress...cos i was too ambitious and too greedy...i wanted to make it big, i didnt want to settle for an average job....but now things has to change cos my big dreams is taking too slow to develop, id settle with average first.....

theres some more things that i wish to say...but id rather keep it to myself cos, my blog has a rising number of readers i notice...and id rather keep my mouth shut that sounding very stupid....

gnite peepz.....congrats bach n mardiyana.......

friday's sermon

friday's sermon was as though meant for me.....its about trying n working....we have to keep on trying and not rely on fate itself.....and about a halal source of income...
ive tot of actually joining a fren to work in a pub, well the sermon was like as though telling me not to and its like a sign....i will follow my instinct and drop the idea.

there are many more source of income, although another interview failed as NTUC never give me a call and its already friday, there are other ways...its whether i want it or not.for example factories, etc.....

i shall not just take an easy way out just cos the pay might be attractive but its not a halal source of income, what if the money ends up as contribution to the house? or to buy food?.....alhamdullilah i went for prayers jus now.

meanwhile the hunt goes on....

talks...

talks provide calm for the mind sometimes......it neednt be serious talks, it neednt be letting ur heart out...but jus normal talks ease ur mind a little. its a form of unwinding for me....over chicken chop, i listened to aisha blabber, though its irrelavant to my life, it somehow has provided me an insight to others and indeed gave me views of life from a different angle.

if we keep ourselves within our own squared circle of life, we'll probably end up being mentally stressed or unhealthy. open up your mind, if people don't understand u & ur bloody fucken problems, listening to others' problems sometimes provides a relief or even a solution to yours. well, at least its happening to me.

along the way of listening, i pick up a couple of pointers that i might put to good use in my own personal life, these valuable points will only be available if u listen carefully to the person speaking his heart out. and damn u, sometimes its so fucken useful that u just wanna give that particular person a hug or even a kiss.

ive been fucken lazy on thursday, my butt just wont barge....my legs still tired from mon & tues work plus wednesday's soccer....its no damn excuse but i dun give a fuck cos its my life n id prefer to do it my way.

i notice this recently, i dun give a fuck to wat ppl say, though at times i heed their advice but at most times i prefer to do it my way if its not the wrong way. ill give myself space wen i want to and ill push myself hard wen i need too. cos in my life im a bloody individual, i have to be bloody independent in my solitary lifestyle. frens are part of ur life but how ur life goes depends on ur bloody self not ur frens. so here it goes, im doing it my way, so dun give a fucken comment if u know shit about my life.

my actions shows, my words shows, i do what i feel like doing and what i feel is good for me. my choice of tunes that keeps me going also shows...its that foot in ur ass kinda thingy...

as the light from my 'bright future' still remains dim, indicating that its still a long journey before i see the blinding light indicating that i've succeeded. i'll keep this journey going, alone....n if theres someone to join me, i'll let her tag along but i will not let her slow down or disrupt my journey.....from GOD i ask him of his blessing and if there was yoda, id ask him to teach me philosophy and of course the force.(still suffering from the star wars withdrawal)

gnite peeps.

wonderful tonight

leo n shahreil was right, id definitely write about it in my blog.....of cos, im proud of it....i picked up soccer when i broke up with aisha last year, it was after some weeks of sulking when i decided to move on & join in the fun with the boys somewhere in december...every wednesday making a fool of myself as frankly speaking i never really did play soccer in my childhood, it never got my interest until last year...religiously i drag my lazy ass weekly to the court...and soon it became fun n i looked forward to it weekly.....

just now, i scored my first goal after 6 months of playing defense at most times getting whacked by strikers to block goals...i only replace my team mates when they are tired running up and down....today, i did just that, shahreil was worn out, i replaced his position......and that superb pass and space gave me an opportunity to try to score.....i saw the ball flew overhead of an opponent, as it came to me it was as though its in slow motion mode giving me time to focus and angle myself, i wasnt sure if its going in but i gave my best and raised my foot and swung at the ball like a baseball bat, it went right in the center, instantly i became so happy. i was proud of myself that i raised up my hands in the air.....

probably it doesnt mean anything to the rest cos they've been playing soccer all their life and are pretty good at it but for a lousy bugger like me, it definitely means alot....

soccer aside, we(adil & me) was late for the interview at jwt children's gym, we were supposed to be there at 2pm but i got the wrong information and we turned up at 245pm instead...luckily shida(the one offering the job) was fine with it. anyways, we are being paid 60bucks for an 8-5 job(if we get the job!) is pretty fine......n wats more our job is just to tend to the kids(aged 4-9) during their activities. I hope i'll get that job, shida, pls make it happen...hehehe

im getting more organized with life nowadays....ive already planned activities for tumoro, wake up early, job hunting as usual...send in resumes and all before noon, wash up caramella(she hasnt been cleaned n waxed for 2 weeks!). Then leave the house before 3pm to apply for a job at King Albert Park. Then probably ring up the guys if they got any plans and meet them up....i like my lifestyle now, well at least for this week...for 3 days straight ive kept myself occupied...coolness...

gnite peepz....

my mistake

worries clouded my mind that i did not even check the conditions on getting the reimbursement for the 15hours of training.....condition were, i have to clock a total of 15hours of WORK before i get the reimbursement....sigh, i can sense that'll be a very long time before i get the reimbursement....sigh....

enchanted

for once not long time ago, i thought ill never be attracted to a girl, i mean in attraction as love, not sexually or physicaly.....ive always got this thing for specs & braces since i was in secondary school, wen that cute chinese girl caught my eye & i befriended her, we remained frens but ive always admired her, though she might not be pretty or up to normal boys expectations but i just adore her...... it appears that my preference has not changed...i glanced thru myspace(a friendster like thingy) and this particular girl(my fren's fren) just caught my eye, in my mind was, if only i knew her, id love to find out more about her......see, im opening up my heart again and let nature take its toll....cool....but it does make me lonely though.....:) smiles
jus a thought....but its not changing my life nor the way i am, i am still sid, viciously.

major cock up

work at wacker was superb....but it shagged me out totally, that i went flat at 8pm only to be awaken by call by shahreil at 1115pm....

i just got to find out from leo, in order to get my 1st pay, i need to work a total of 16hours and ive only clocked 15hours.....but the major cock up is, their scheduling is biased, the less ppl u know inside, the less ur schedule is....MAJOR COCK UP! they should come up with a fair way of scheduling, assigning jobs....not based on who u know inside and how many full timers u know inside...again i repeat....MAJOR COCK UP! & SUPER FUCKED UP!....GOD DAMN U WANKERS!

haiz...

how can a big establishment cock up? ask the company i worked for....wtf my pay is delayed when i need money most....wtf.....its just not right.....ur worker are looking forward to their salary and its delayed?.....wat the F.......tumoro ill be working at wackers again....50bucks again....for hard labour job....got no choice, cant just loaf around...got so many things to settle....gnite peepz....sori to all out ther, ill be very bz this few weeks....

i will not give in and be dumb

i will not be dumb, i will not give in and shift out...first of all its a waste of the freaking money that i earned thru my own blood & sweat.....2ndly i have the right to stay here, 3rdly, itll be like admiting defeat to move out....

i will move out, when theres a kind soul out there thatve found me and probably wanna make me her soulmate...then, thats the answer...ill marry and get the fuck outta here cos i dun want her to suffer like i did...its not physical but mental toture is actually worse than physical.....

for now, ill freaking save every bit that i can.....try to spend less if possible... and build up a real savings, not something that get accumulated just to spent at the end of the month on bills and worthless nothings.....like the hp bill that shoot up(cos my stupid sis decided to download some stupid shits) isnt necessary....i should burn down the offices of this company that prey on dumb ppl like my sis into subscribing nonsense like news on what the fuck is happening with britney spears life....and they charge that for freaking SGD2 per info....WTF, that freaking SGD2 could indeed keep me out of starvation for a day, it equals to 2kosong & 1 kopi!

FUCK these bloodsucking companies....curses to y'all.....you just caused me to work my ass off just to feed your employees cos my sister just decided to be dumb n press those numbers on the hp! FUCK Y'ALL!

sigh...

i was awaken by a solution....but sigh....i was disappointed when i checked out HDB's website....i remembered my uncle who's residing in JB but working down here. I thought he could rent a one room flat for me, under his name & the single scheme plan..BUT the single scheme plan, requires at least 2 single applicants above the age of 35! WTF, there goes my lovely thoughts....

im a walking timebomb

as my life began to suck again.....my mind is like an on-going riot....inside, it is chaotic....conflicting & contrasting thoughts all at the same time, rational n not... its driving me nuts...thats probably why the so lively me last night, the laughters, the stupid jokes, the sarcasm towards the ppl i despise....

evil is begining to consume me, the dark side has pulled me into its path.... my thoughts are evil but at the same time its a way of survival, its a way to just keep my sanity at par... the news of amanda being admited to a mental hospital is horrifying as it reveals that ppl that seems was doing fine to you might be actually suffering from a mental breakdown/toture..... it could've happen to me if im weak. i just have to fight all those emotions to keep my sanity at par.....

the incidents, the misfortunes, all had indeed made me even stronger. its your god damn bloody fucken mistake to drive me up the wall, soon you'll recieve the consequences and i hope there'll be retribution for you....speaking of which, this might after all be a retribution for the misdeeds that ive done....but it started since i was 2years old, my misfortunes...how can that be a retribution....its jus a chain reaction...

speaking of chain reactions.....be wary of your actions, cos that particular action could contribute to future happenings and somehow its inter-related....its amazing i must say.

viva, viva la revolution.....may i obtain happiness one day...