im not so vicious after all

i defended myself my rights, i screamed, i debated with the unreasonable childish bastard...in my heart was how i wish i could've swing the baseball bat like piece of wood behind my door...but after it all ended....i sat in my room, tears drip down my cheeks thinking of my fate. im not so vicious after all....

yes i am indeed a 'penumpang', but this flat belongs to my mom as well, so as long as my mom allows me to stay, i'll stay. at one point, i just wanted to leave, cos i know i can survive...ive worked in factory, as a cook, as a cleaner...various....he said i was ego, choosy and thats why im jobless...he never asked...i never choose, in fact as we speak im legally employed....ive done so many jobs that most probably some wouldnt even want to, i shan't elaborate....the thing is, he just wants me out of this house and his eyes get sore, wenever he sees me at home...in short, he is just a plain bastard trying to drive me out......

insyahallah yes, indeed, i will find a place of my own....but sg's law make it hard for me to find a place affordable....if not now, i could simply apply for a studio apartment which would probably cost me 100+ per month excluding bills...ive asked around but all wanted market rate, i fully understand....im just looking forward to get that job...it doesnt matter for now....i know i wouldnt have a future or even a career...but then i need that 1.4k or more per mth....

my day will come, deep inside im still not vicious...but u treat me like a dog, makes me stand up for my rights and the accussations that wasn't true....i can sense his fear in his eyes as my tolerance level broke and i released my anger my full potential that might be dangerous....the thought of swinging that piece of wood against his head is so sweet....im evil...but im not vicious....i feel like punching a punching bag...to vent my anger.....im like a pressure cooker, only that tension is building up inside of me. but still im in the right mind of not doing something stupid, i've always been careful....abt consequences....but today, i gambled away... i know once he had a case....i dared him but proven he chickened out....cos he knows im prepared, prepared for war....

i feel like im such a burden to this family....im just the odd one out...im my mother's child but from her first marriage so that makes me a complete stranger to that bastard. i guess he still cant accept the fact that he have to provide shelter for someone that is not his child but that is just completely wrong cos he agreed to be fair upon exchanging vows, with the 'kadi' as witness.

the reason he is so dumb is bcos he dun have his own principle in life, he is easily influenced by ppl ard him, well thats wat mom said...working at psa and the car wash thingy makes him worst...cos the kind of ppl there, hooligans, educationless bastards. they probably tell him, that im adult enough so why should he provide shelter for me...but the thing is he is just brainless....purely brainless....

im not boasting but he is old, one day he will be frail and probably requires a walking stick to get around....he never realised, that once it was me who held his hand providing support as we walked to the clinic. he never realised that it was me, who tutored him, when he upgraded his skills at the ITE. does he think that his daughter whom he married off will take care of him when he is frail and weak? i dont think so....after she got married, she immediately abandoned him, only visiting when there are important matters....

as a muslim somehow, i am reminded not to wish something bad for others but i just cant help it....may he rot n die...

smear colours on my white canvas pls....

as my future at esplanade seems bleak, i have to go for another temp job while waiting for good full time.....ntuc has the answer, the call last tuesday was perhaps an answer to all this long wait...maybe...cos i heard the pay is pretty ok, and the job not too bad....i'll give it a go....hopefully i get it....

here's my plans for my earnings if say i get, put aside for my loans and settle it once i got my 2nd paycheck....doll up caramella with crashbars, and start saving up for my future, say 200bucks a mth.....you might not know when u might need it....im gonna save up for rainy days....and if i save enough, i might want to go to school again next year, prolly get a part time degree or sumthin...im not satisfied with my achievements.
thats how i feel.....i will not be satisfied, until mom or someone i love(in the future) came forward and give me a hug, and says"uve done well....im proud of u.."

im looking forward to visiting the dentist, if they have allowance for that...coolness, its been years since ive visited the dentist...and i hate my not white teeth...it has discoloured, i dunno why...i never smoke...i brush regularly.. but i guess, its the amount of coffee n tea that i drink.....next thing, ill have a new tv...and probably send my ps2 to be modified....coolness....theres so many things im gonna do....coolness.....

the hr department gotta do something about those full timers doing the roster...they are being unfair to the rest of the people......but hey at least i earned that good 15hours for 14bucks an hour....and i got loads of their t-shirts....hehehe

gotta catch some sleep guys, i heard the interview's a long one....wish me luck... if i get it, first paycheck...alif peeps, drinks on me....

smear me with ur black ink.....

it appears that though we are frens now, we still fight....over small matters, i gave in but it appears that what i do is such a huge crime...i compromised but u disagree. im sorry, i understand, thats why i gave in but if u thought otherwise, you are wrong, my thoughts are pure...ikhlas it would be in arab.....but its ok, its over anyways..

i dun intimidate ppl, n i never ever in my life make ppl feel inferior compared to me, if i did, i never meant it, it was accidental...no one is perfect. all i know is im not that evil but maybe vicious at times but with truth....

anyways, today, spent the afternoon with adil at the beach...its been a long time since ive been there...sentosa....in the last couple of years, ill be at the beach at least once a month...and at less busy times, almost every week....but nowadays, going to the beach is a rare ocassion, so its normal that i want to capture this moments on my dg..
later in the night met shareil n his yati...dinner together, jln2 & of course the normal fooling ard at toys 'r' us......this is one of the few weekdays that i had so much fun.....80 images captured on my dg...can u believe that...thnks guys... u all made my day....

in the afternoon while waiting for the rain to stop, NTUC called me offering me a position as branch supervisor, my interview's on friday....i wanna check it out....instead of turning down the offer flat like hmv, who knows the pay is ok...
once i start working a normal stable job again, ill pay off all my loans ASAP and probably i wanna take over shai's super 4......c how ar...cos im not a road bike person actually, except for vespa ar.......oh friday too, prolly, im going down with shida n rashid to the middle east council, to try our luck for jobs over there... if i got any...JACKPOT! hehehehe......then ill come back prolly in 1-3years time, will buy a house or rent & live on my own...i always wanted to do that..for certain reasons...

june is coming...here comes class2!

until then, c ya guys ard....adios.....

fate was jus playing before my eyes

was browsing thru a fotopage....that particular person was at the same place as i was at just about the same period of time....but then again....we never met...cool huh.. we never bump into each other n i never saw her...n the weird thing was, i had the urge to buy an ice cream cone from mcdonalds but somehow, i just said to myself, ah its ok, some other time...mebbe jus a drink would do....if i had that ice cream cone, i wouldve met her but i was trying not to 'grow' myself again cos i jus had 2 home made chicken burgers before i left home.....photographs they do wonders.....i like.....

its never too late...

met aisha, she needed the camera....walked around, grabbed a hot red studded belt for myself cos it was a steal....5bucks....hung out with the guys until late where shareil joined us, played stupid games, laughters, jokes and making fun of each other...it was to us, a form of entertainment, cheap, harmless entertainment......later went over to shareil's at about 4am....to watch 'Be Cool' and it was proven, piracy wasnt cool cos the sound was terrible.... but the pirated copy of trainspotting was good, digital clear.....we end up watching trainspotting.....was more on the comedy side...but it has a life story to it...

the show, like Renton, made me realise....that we need to set things straight for some of us. some of our lives.....some of us, do not have perfect lives....perfect family...or was spoon fed or born with a silver or golden spoon.....some of us never had these 'priviliges' in life......for me, i was a latch key kid....it doesnt bother me then....but living with a step-dad who doesnt accept me does cos he is getting on my nerves....but theres no point whining about it, no point entertaining the childish being of his....what i need to do is prove to myself and to many that probably what i said to some of my frens might indeed come true on day.....i told them, one day, i got a feeling i will make it....it might be just a dream n me being overly ambitious or it might come true, it all depends on me.....n of course fate....but im not giving in to fate, cos im fighting against it......we need to make a change and only we ourselves can make that change....others can only help or guide u...its though.....

i wasnt born with wealth....after national service, working as a pizza chef earned me quite a fair share, almost 900bucks every 2 weeks on good months....all i thought back then was to indulge in myself, my wants, my enjoyment, my entertainment and of course putting a smile to my loved ones face....i never think long term...it was all totally the will of the heart, wat the heart wants, the heart gets.....i slog...n i enjoy myself later on...that was all i thought....until, after 2 years of enjoyment, someone made me realise i need a future, it was only then that i really worked hard, to get a real job, it paid off....but then on the first month i was put through a test i was offered a temp job with a greater pay and on top of that i could do my part time MLM shit at night....i was filled with greed and again i failed to make my decision based on my future, well the decision i made has got to do with my future(teaching) but then it was more on greed....i was thinking big bucks and again enjoyment....but then all those was shortlived as my relief teaching was cut short and i quit my MLM shit cos the ppl was full of crap and the whole shit was actually crap....though i must admit their products are amazing BUT expensive.

i learnt a valuable lesson, decisions are tough to make....but never regret it cos it only makes u a better person....

sheesh im too groggy to type something that probably u guys would understand, im trying to speak my mind but im afraid u might not understand after all....guess id better catch some sleep, that write something that none of u would understand.... adios.....nites....

rise lord vader................

star wars was good....lucky we made it in time....didnt miss a thing but the kid behind was irritating as he kept asking his parents abt the show....anyways overall it was good but i felt that it was not a 100% well done kinda thing...i mean trying to patch all the rest of the episodes in this 1 episode is tough. overall kudos to george lucas, finally the star wars saga has ended...the story is complete.......

walked ard with rashid with nowhere n nothing to do, saw one of the esplanade guys working oredi...i hope they will call me up soon......we end up at marina square, getting lost n finally playing arcade games like kids...we had fun though...ended everything soon after that.....

rashid's going to bring me shooting soon, yeay!....can learn some stuffs abt cameras..
new things has always interest me.....but only one had stayed for a long time...vespa, my love for vespa........i got a feeling photography will stay for a long time too...

anyway frens good night....i guess the rest are having fun at devil's bar.... enjoy peepz....