im not so vicious after all

i defended myself my rights, i screamed, i debated with the unreasonable childish bastard...in my heart was how i wish i could've swing the baseball bat like piece of wood behind my door...but after it all ended....i sat in my room, tears drip down my cheeks thinking of my fate. im not so vicious after all....

yes i am indeed a 'penumpang', but this flat belongs to my mom as well, so as long as my mom allows me to stay, i'll stay. at one point, i just wanted to leave, cos i know i can survive...ive worked in factory, as a cook, as a cleaner...various....he said i was ego, choosy and thats why im jobless...he never asked...i never choose, in fact as we speak im legally employed....ive done so many jobs that most probably some wouldnt even want to, i shan't elaborate....the thing is, he just wants me out of this house and his eyes get sore, wenever he sees me at home...in short, he is just a plain bastard trying to drive me out......

insyahallah yes, indeed, i will find a place of my own....but sg's law make it hard for me to find a place affordable....if not now, i could simply apply for a studio apartment which would probably cost me 100+ per month excluding bills...ive asked around but all wanted market rate, i fully understand....im just looking forward to get that job...it doesnt matter for now....i know i wouldnt have a future or even a career...but then i need that 1.4k or more per mth....

my day will come, deep inside im still not vicious...but u treat me like a dog, makes me stand up for my rights and the accussations that wasn't true....i can sense his fear in his eyes as my tolerance level broke and i released my anger my full potential that might be dangerous....the thought of swinging that piece of wood against his head is so sweet....im evil...but im not vicious....i feel like punching a punching bag...to vent my anger.....im like a pressure cooker, only that tension is building up inside of me. but still im in the right mind of not doing something stupid, i've always been careful....abt consequences....but today, i gambled away... i know once he had a case....i dared him but proven he chickened out....cos he knows im prepared, prepared for war....

i feel like im such a burden to this family....im just the odd one out...im my mother's child but from her first marriage so that makes me a complete stranger to that bastard. i guess he still cant accept the fact that he have to provide shelter for someone that is not his child but that is just completely wrong cos he agreed to be fair upon exchanging vows, with the 'kadi' as witness.

the reason he is so dumb is bcos he dun have his own principle in life, he is easily influenced by ppl ard him, well thats wat mom said...working at psa and the car wash thingy makes him worst...cos the kind of ppl there, hooligans, educationless bastards. they probably tell him, that im adult enough so why should he provide shelter for me...but the thing is he is just brainless....purely brainless....

im not boasting but he is old, one day he will be frail and probably requires a walking stick to get around....he never realised, that once it was me who held his hand providing support as we walked to the clinic. he never realised that it was me, who tutored him, when he upgraded his skills at the ITE. does he think that his daughter whom he married off will take care of him when he is frail and weak? i dont think so....after she got married, she immediately abandoned him, only visiting when there are important matters....

as a muslim somehow, i am reminded not to wish something bad for others but i just cant help it....may he rot n die...