Bapa-ku

His death was a big shock to me, I guess I took for granted that he will still be around for at least in years to come. He lied to us about his health, he never disclosed of what he was suffering from (LIver cancer and Liver chirrosis both caused by Hep B). He said he was fine but he did mention what the Dr. told him. Complacency prompted everyone not to ask questions because he looked fine and was fine and said he was fine already. The regret is there but as a muslim, I believe it is his time, what happened was just a reason for him to pass on but his time was actually written, when and where.

I love him dearly even though most of my childhood was without him but I can't blame him cos my parents divorced when I was only two. I know he loves me, cos occasionally he still did pick me up and spent a whole day with me. That was the time I always treasure and of course the fact that I get to buy an action figure/toys whenever we go out. I can still recall how excited I was when he called up that he wanted to bring me out. I can still remember how I ignored everyone and was left in a world of my own when I got back, at least for that day. The memories still vivid.

As I grew older, I get 'poisoned' by people around me saying he don't care etc. I get angry at their remarks, I even got myself kicked out cos I fought back. Although it did not affect me much but I did wonder if what they say was true. His temper, does not help too, my father like me do get angry at times and did stuffs or say things he shouldn't have a times which he did not mean. I had forgiven him long2 time ago.

One thing I regret, I did not visit him enough, instead I was selfish, I seek my own joy. We were so close, we at Bali, we could have took a domestic plane to visit him at Solo but I never initiated. My leave in November, I spent my time painting my living room and my salary on paints and stuffs where we actually planned to visit but cancelled cos we got a house. When I told my uncle of this on the way back after the burial, tears just flowed out, somehow, I think I am selfish.