welcome to my life

the song blasting thru the speakers(if it is on, if not go n switch it on!) of your home computer is a song by simple plan...welcome to my life... although i do admit i don't fancy commercialized, mainstream everybody listens to it shit....but this one i like cos of its resemblance to my life. aisha sent me this song when it first released, probably about a year or so ago.....being my other half back then, she knows the ongoings of my life, the daily drag that i have to go through, the problems i had, and many-many more that is too personal to be written.....but that was me, 2 to 3 years ago.....life was terrible.....so frens, thats part of the reason of my disappearance...

the song is playing not implying that my life is down again....its just a reminder for myself that things had been worse, cos i think too much back then.....now the positive vibes has indeed saved me from my back then emotional state....im not ashamed to say this but aisha witnessed me crying, real tears, shivers and all....its the cause of almost 10 years of not being accepted and missing someone i should be entitled to...and till now im still not..some of you out there would know why......the 'main' problem hasnt completely been erased but the evovled me from jus sid as siddiq to sid viciously just makes things better. i began to stand up for myself(though at times its proven not a good thing) and not let ppl just step on me....i was so 'vicious' when i needed too....i didnt have much control back then, i just retaliated like a squash ball being beaten to the walls just to return back at double speed to bite into your flash if you fail to swing your racquet.but the viciousness was only limited to the ppl i don't love for those whom i do(this includes my mom n my close frens)i would think twice sometimes i even don't retaliate and i would keep it all to myself until it soon disappears with time.

i've mellowed down a little now, i don't retaliate often, i don't argue often, often, i just leave......but that does not mean, im easily taken down, easily brought down to the ground, i will still retaliate if it deemed necessary......i ignore only things thats not worth retaliation, that doesnt harm me in any ways watsoever, in short the person who's doing it is just tiring himself out.

i got this advice from someone close to me, its rather useful for you guys out there cos i know im not alone...~a low self esteem is what you don't need when you're in shit...something like that....the book that i took from my old workplace has indeed worked its charms...its all about enthusiasm and making urself confident....that all gave me the confidence to talk at interviews....i'll just blabber out and 'defend' myself when theres a need too...

ppl change, everytime, only how long they took, only how much they changed.....i changed too...i do not know if im better or not but for me, it's good for me, for my life, for me to pick up, for me to stand up and be MORE independent. i was a little dependent for the past 3 years for help psychologically & emotionally...now i manage on my own cos she's no longer around to 'babysit' me....and im glad im able to do it on my own now.

dear frens, the mind is a terrible thing to waste but the mind can also be harmful if you let it run wild on its own, get control of it...don't let it wonder to various regions too long, like sorrow, anger, hate, etc...all the negativity....force itself back to positivity, making constructive thoughts of how to overcome the situation instead of just allowing the negativity to consume you. let it out if you have to, scream, shout, laugh, watever it takes....it helps believe me...i scream when things are bad, i laughed it off, i sung it off...once i even made funny faces in the mirror to bring myself to laugh, it sounds so insanse of someone to do that but it works...i once told sara to do that...but im not sure if she did it....hehehehe...

until then frens.....good day...:)