:)

At least there were some smiles today. I really can't bear seeing my wifey-to-be tearing. I kept wondering what have we done or rather I done this time round to deserve all this nonsense? And as usual, it's denial once again, the tables turned and we are the ultimate criminal eh? Alah, biarkan lah, nanti dah penatkan diam but of course la I can't take it to see my dear one to be affected. I am affected as well, I am pissed seh, what did I do to deserve an insult? I thought I made peace eons ago?

Anyways this blog is meant for me to say what I feel or rather ventilate. Yes I admit I did something wrong awhile ago but I don't see what have I done to deserve what WE are getting now. It hurts much more for my dear one to be pulled into the ditch. It hurts much more to see her tearing, sometimes I feel its my fault. I even asked one of my close fren do I really belong to that extreme category? that I deserve such an insult? I thank God my bunch of friends are not like that, although they utter nonsense half the time and the jokes they make some would find it weird or even rude but they are the most sensible bunch on earth. Simple, I said I have something important, they understood and accept my explanation and even counter offered if I can join halfway thru. Salut to them, Love you people. I guess they know what I am going thru and did went thru so thats why but then again I think they are just kind bunch of people.

I'm glad the bond we made in our relationship were so strong that this 'test' actually made us stronger. As a husband-to-be naturally I will defend her of course if she had done nothing wrong. We don't take sides and I myself had received a dose from her myself. I am tired of explaining how we are. It's just that I don't understand what had we done to deserve all this and I hate that recurring migraine for something so unnecessary. In the first place I repeat, what had we done? Is it wrong to be a little uncomfortable, a little more careful and honest? Still in my mind, what had we done wrong to deserve all this???

Frankly I'd apologize if I did, I did before and I do not have any problem in doing so if I did wrong. I don't see why my close friends can understand me not turning up for a couple of meet ups they asked and some cannot. Can't they take no for an answer? Even sometimes I had to say 'no' to Ain cos either I am too tired or too many things to handle and sometimes we had to compromise like instead of town, we just stay put around the area. I think that's the understanding we have in some of us, that's why even now almost 15years down the road we are still friends. Of course there were bumpy roads in between but we always make peace after that.

God I wish I can sleep and lay down to rest but I can't help this troubling me. I wished we didn't even take notice and I pray to You God they'd be more understanding than to straight away hurl hurtful words and in the end we still end up as the criminals. I have had enough, please....I don't wanna whine anymore. My childhood wasn't pleasant so was growing up, now I am almost there to my happiness and you want to destroy it? Who in the right mind is not bothered if she is marrying someone whom ppl think negatively off? Although wrongfully accused still, its an accusation, still the label is there yet AGAIN.

I am glad not all are like that, I am glad that some are sensible enough to figure out maybe we are just plain busy. I am glad some can take no for an answer. And I am glad that some of my friends are pro-choice, meaning allowing us to have a choice. I am glad I still have friends who are concerned and bring me to calm and told me an insult can be a constructive criticism.

I am sure God the Almighty will show us the way. I am sure there's a way although my positivity side is almost gone already, it was on the way up after receiving promising replies on first Shawal but I guess all those now is just flushed down the toilet. Tonight I go to sleep, please show me if it is me who had done wrong. If it is me, I am sorry all and including my dear Ain. If it is not me please show them that we had not done anything wrong to deserve this and never did we not tell the truth about us not being able to make it. For me, I think all this wouldn't had happened if I wasn't so naive to innocently thought what I did was ok back then.

So the question is, must we always comply, must we always please others to prevent ourselves from harm? Must we? Must we apologize for something we have not done? Must we be punished for something we had not done? I don't know la really.

Tomorrow's my e-test and I am not 1 bit bothered by it, instead I am still bothered by this issue, I am still bothered to see the look of my dear one's face, the tears welling up in her eyes and the creases the skin on her forehead forms as she tries to figure out why and tries to think of a solution and tries to instill some more positivity into me. Frankly if it's not for her, bye bye is the answer but I'd still try to keep it positive but I still can't help wondering what have we done to deserve that extreme end? And it's again coming from the same source, the only one.

Nurain, if not for your strength, I do not know what would have become of us. Alhamdullilah. Amin.