viciously as is.....

been riding my gilly....fun...beginning to neglect caramella....but shes still on my mind, in fact id give a call to check on how shes doing....nope gilly and caramella are not girls....girls are not so simple to handle....muahahah.....corny sak...

anyways....work is like a roller coaster ride, one minute good, one minute fucked up, one minute interesting, one minute god damn boring.....id stay at this firm, for the sake of my future and mom....for at least a year, where ive gained experience to move on or if i begin to feel comfortable id stay longer and probably opt to apply for an inside(HQ) job where its less on operations and more on planning...call me ambitious but a person without ambitions doesnt exist...its only a matter of how big are ur goals. i had an ambition last time but was cut abrupt by someone i love, she told me to stop dreaming...and face reality...well, my dream couldve been a reality but i guess a slim chance to make it possible....till this day back of mind, that dream still exist. its nothing much actually, ive always dreamt of setting up something of my own...im the kind that never had the resources or motivational drives to make it, i have to do it all by myself to make it happen....it doesnt matter how long id take but before i leave this world i want to leave a name, a name where my children would be proud of...that kinda thing....

for now, i still havent diminished the feel for enjoyment and fun....so i have to give and take....i have to balance out and manage everything properly....that is to be fair to myself...i wanna make myself happy but at the same time, i dont want to be lagging behind...i wanna keep on moving....thoughts is nothing until the task is carried out.....thats why ive been blabbering less of dreams cos i know im not going to carry it out now....

this year itself 3 of my frens have got a kid....din, osman and shai....im happy to see them so proud of their family...no matter how low their pay is, they managed to survive...theres always a way when theres a will.....their smiles, their joy is priceless....money in this case proves to be not the only thing in life....im not saying im not materialistic at all...i am a little...but puhleese...stop it u guys out there...mebbe probably its bcos ive never had a perfect family...mebbe thats why i think thatll be the ultimate thing i will have.......mebbe bcos most of u fellows have such a perfect one that ud forget about it and think more about assets, cars, money and stocks...wtf....

my lifestyle has changed a little....mebbe its cos of work....but all in all im still the same...only thing i show less emotion i guess its back to square one, where i kept everything to myself and just break down in my sleep when i needed too....its not convenient to talk it out anymore, i don't seem to trust anyone anymore...i only trust my mom but i never want to burden her and get her worried.....frens, its not that i dont trust u guys, its just that personal stuffs to me, are now meant to be personal...so if i have mood swings bear with me....and if i decide to share pls have a listening ear, thats all i ask for....

i guess im whining too much, its the 6th paragraph and i got lots more to say... im just curious...about my future that is....will i live my dream or not.....:)