Ouh my grandpa's passed away and another is in JB.
I wanna talk bout my nenek's brother in law? I call him Tok also lah. Last Monday was the first time I met him, he's still young I guess late 50s? Anyways what he said was an inspiration, funny we have similar thoughts. I have always wanted to be my own boss, in other words own something like a business or something. It's tough especially in Singapore. No I don't want to be in food business like some of my uncles although it can bring in quite a fair share but it's tough work and you'll miss out on alot of stuffs.
Anyways, Tok(I didnt get his name, sheesh) had similar thoughts like mine when he was young, he too back then was working as an employee. He too had dreams back then which he never thought he could do it but he kept keeping the dreams in the back of his head till one day he managed to pull it off and now living comfortably with quite a number of workers under his hand. It's all in the mind, he kept saying that. I'd like to be there too someday, hopefully, InsyahAllah. After our last prophet was a businessman himself.
Grandpa
Thank you Mom.
As Syawal approaches and as Ramadan comes to an end, I can't help thinking bout my imperfect family life. Since I was 2years old, I was raised mainly by my mother with the help of my grandparents. I've never felt what it is like to have a father and a mother under one roof. I've never experienced 'salam' and giving hugs to both parents when I leave for work or school. I've never experienced having dinner together as a whole family. Even when my mom remarried, I never felt that cos partly I was old enough to know he's not my dad and to makes things worse he never really take me as his own son.
I am sure my parents have valid reasons for their separation. I am sure it was for the best and probably things could be worse if they remained together. I am not blaming them nor I am angry against my fate. It is just that I envy those families and I wonder how it feels like to have a proper family.
Come next year, I'll have my own but not as a son but as a husband and probably a father as well in the near future, InsyahAllah. In MY family, I will want my kids to experience a proper family life not like mine. I want them to have all the opportunities they can have. I wanna make sure I can provide for them with whatever I can, in all aspect including love. I don't want them to feel neglected and feel not normal in society(although that's only how the narrow minded think). I hope I can achieve that and make a difference in the future blood line.
I pity my siblings, Hazimah and Hazmi for now they are living with their step father cos their mom(whom is my stepmom from my dad's 2nd marriage which failed) passed away early this year due to chronic diabetes. I am glad though they are doing fine and I am glad because of nenek we are still in touch. I hope they do not frown upon their fate but take it as a lesson to bring to their future so as to make it a better one. I know they are smart enough and strong enough to face all challenges. I know they can do it and I hope they seek my help should there be a need.
I feel that I wasn't really a good son but I do want to be the best and hope to be one. I know what my mom wants to see and I know she hopes for the best for me. I hope my mom don't worry too much cos her son here knows how to fend for himself and is on the correct route now. And believe me mom, your son here has got all his plans laid before him, InsyahAllah it'd all go well.
Thanks mom for the upbringing, the values you shared, the strength you passed to me, for without you, I don't think I am where I am now.
More good over bad part II
Yesterday, as I was thinking about how unpleasant my life was since young. Then came to me this wonderful thought that although my life was pretty unpleasant, I actually have some or more pleasant experiences in it. I was actually happy at some points of my life. Thanks to God for granting me the wonderful people around me.
I shall not whine about the unpleasantness in my life cos I don't see a point in doing so.
Thank God for the following that happened in my life:
-First of all thank God for the greatest mom in the whole wide world who brought me up single handedly and managed to get me to where I am today. Believe me, I am not an easy one to bring up.
-Thank God for my strong mental state to go through all the craps in life.
-Thank God I managed to get my 5 credits at O-level although I barely studied cos I don't care much back then.
-Thank God that I completed my Mechanical Engineering Diploma even though its not what I wanted.
-Thank God for being through some crap in army which in a way got me a little stronger mentally and physically.
-Thank God for the wonderful friends and people around me.
-Thank God for the horrible people around me who showed me how ugly we can become if I behaved like them.
-Thank God for a good friend-Iskandar and his mom for providing me with cheap accommodation when I decided I had enough with my step-father's nonsense.
-Thank God for nursing for it made me a better person and it gave me a stable job.
-Thank God for the many accidents that I escaped with minor injuries only.
-Thank God that I never went hungry all these years.
-Thank God for my cousin that offered me free accommodation.
-Thank God for interest in photography which led to the following.
-Thank God for Hairul and Ross and film-photography, if not for them, I wouldn't have met Ain.
And thank God for Nurain, it's definitely worth the wait and going through many unpleasant relationship experiences and of course thank God for the future life we'd be sharing which also probably means a new beginning to many more pleasant journeys. Insya'Allah.
More good over bad.
I was furious today at work, angry although I have to admit I was partly at fault. Then why be angry you may ask? It is because when my superior asked me for an explanation, he didn't really want to listen, in fact he pick out the mistakes from there and although acknowledge the correct things that I did, he really 'pinned' me down on my mistakes although I was not at total fault and I did the necessary to 'protect' myself from being liable. Urggghh...why bother asking when you do not want to listen, just tell me off lah, isn't that alot easier?
And please lah, I beg, you don't have to tailgate me everywhere I go just because I did a minor mistake a couple of weeks ago, which again the same thing happened, explanation refused and still insist on his idea on why it went wrong. I did say and for goodness sake, there's witnesses that I did my job and it was a pure mistake and not that I took shortcuts and neglect my duties. For goodness sake, I am 30years old not some new kid whom just completed school and on his first job. If I left my previous line to join this one, I must have made some serious considerations and I must have plans to make this my job till I retire. Don't you have that tiny part of your brain masses that have space to digest some other ideas/explanation/watever la.....
I'm fine if you pointed out my mistake, I would apologize if it is purely my mistake and will try not to repeat again. Perhaps the next time I should have recorded what I said and the sincere apology that I expressed then replay it again to remind you that I do admit fault if it is mine totally!
Although the incident today affected me, I thought to myself, I did manage to 'escape' and 'redo' in many occasion. So yeah I shall not brood over the few bad instances/experiences at work.
Now I will refuse to speak up my thoughts and ideas, if I have any, I will post it anonymously. I don't see any appreciation in doing so, I will only be doing it for the sake of good and benefit of me and my immediate colleagues.
Now I just hope I really have that drive to get a degree when I am able to(financially and mentally). Then, when the time is right, I wanna teach or if there is a better opportunity outside of Singapore, I'd leave if my other half is agreeable.
Alhamdullilah.
Alhamdullilah, to see the mosque filled up even on a rainy day. Alhamdullilah that many Muslim men are now flocking the mosque for Friday prayers even though it's in between their school time, work hours, etc. Thank God. Alhamdullilah they took this opportunity in Ramadan, the last 10days.
Too bad, Darul Ghufran at Tampines is a tad too small for its huge Muslim(cos there are plenty of non-malay muslims as well) community down here. Some had to brave the drizzle by praying outside in the field on canvas sheets.
But to those who chit-chat along the way not listening to the sermon, those kids who played with their games on their handphones(some sms) and one even played his PSP And to the selfish brothers who did not stand as close as possible to each other to close the gaps in the 'Saf' depriving space of the brothers behind, please be more kind and thoughtful, that little space of comfort space of yours can make space for one more brother who might not have space to even pray behind.
The Imam even said to the masses before the start of the sermon, even if you utter a single word during the sermon, your 'Ibadah' is not as those who listened. Friday prayers are accompanied with a sermon, to share amongst Muslim brothers messages or lessons that is useful and informative for us Muslims. If you talk(or not pay attention) means you loose out and not only that you disrupt the peace or even make other Muslim brothers hard to concentrate or listen even if they really want to. He also mentioned to 'rapatkan saf' meaning to close the gaps in between so that you can make space for the other Muslim brothers who might not have space behind.
I take this opportunity on this world wide web, as a chance to reach out to Muslims who is reading out there, spread the message to your male member in the family. Please spare a thought for brothers who came for the Friday prayers and not attending for the sake of attending. Please tell your kids if they want to play their games or chit chat please stay at home or at least pay respect if they still wanna come. Please dear Muslim brothers spare a thought about the people behind who might not have space, move yourself closer to the next person beside you so you can make space for one more in that row or maybe even more than one more brother.
Alhamdullilah to those who attended the Friday prayers but if you come for the sake of coming or because your parents told you so, at least spare a thought for the brothers behind who is deprived of space. I also hope that the masses today will keep coming more frequent so that in the long run, the authorities will take note and maybe build another mosque or just do an expansion. Because if the mosques is only filled up during Ramadan, I think they might have difficult time deciding to expand or even build another one cos they don't see a need. I hope this entry gets to the masses, Insyha'Allah.
Last but not least, Syukran for the space God provided me just now and thank you to the brother next to me for squeezing a little more, told the brother next to him to move and suggested me to adjust the position of the standing fan so I can have space. God will repay your kindness I am sure, Insya'Allah. Amin.
Help, I'm Alive
I tremble
They're gonna eat me alive
If I stumble
They're gonna eat me alive
Can you hear my heart beating like a hammer?
Beating like a hammer?
Help, I'm alive, my heart keeps beating like a hammer
Hard to be soft
Tough to be tender
Come take my pulse, the pace is on a runaway train
Help, I'm alive, my heart keeps beating like a hammer
Beating like a hammer
If you're still alive
My regrets are few
If my life is mine
What shouldn't I do?
I get wherever I'm going
I get whatever I need
While my blood's still flowing
And my heart still beats...
Beating like a hammer
Beating like a hammer
Help, I'm alive, my heart keeps beating like a hammer
Hard to be soft
Tough to be tender
Come take my pulse, the pace is on a runaway train
Help, I'm alive, my heart keeps
Beating like a hammer
Beating like a hammer
If you're still alive
My regrets are few
If my life is mine
What shouldn't I do?
I get wherever I'm going
I get whatever I need
While my blood's still flowing
And my heart still beats...
Beating like a hammer
Beating like a hammer
Beating like a hammer
Beating like a hammer
Help, I'm alive, my heart keeps beating like a hammer
Softie
No not Mr.Softee the ice-cream missed by many. It's me, that's me beneath the always 'fighting' self. I 'fight' for my rights, I still do although I mellowed down a little these days.
My eyes teared at certain things that touches the heart. For instance what Nyai-Asmah is going thru right now, 4 pints of blood and probably multiple medications to nurse her probable gastric ulcer. My mom who's everly facing unhappiness while I in 3 months will meet my happiness, I pray for you mom, I guess its about time God give you some space, some happiness, I know you are happy for mine but you need to have your own as well. I hope either that old man change or go away. For the rest whom I know is facing tough times as well, I hope God grant your wishes or show you the right way.
Today the thoughts of running was not fulfilled as I slept through soundly, probably the most sound 1hr of sleep I have ever had. I woke up afresh as though I slept 10hrs. Weird but true. I guess I'll drop the idea of running and fulfill that on Thursday morning. Must discipline myself, at least 3Km a week, if possible 3x3. I realized the lack of runs, makes my body lethargic and the pain in my knees returning. Somehow, the runs, keeps me going for some reason probably its my way of coping the shift work, probably what Ain said was true indeed.
Till date I still wanna live my dreams(although I am not really sure if I can make all of it a reality within my lifetime). To hell to those who might've gotten sick of me chanting that repeatedly in this blog. I raced, although I didn't get any trophy but that was just one my dreams that I made a reality. Many more I did which I shan't brag online.It all might be small or even mean nothing to everyone else but it is something to me. And thanks Ain for being supportive and I hope you will continue allowing me to pursue whatever I feel I need to do so. Do give me the support when I need it. Do tell me off if what I am doing is not necessary. I'm glad with the way our relationship works.
Sleepless again.
I am wide awake, I am sleepless.
I have to write this. God, thank you for bringing me wonderful people to me in my life.
God, help me thru, I pray to you give all the people I know, whom I love, whom loves me, whom care for me the happiness they desire, the wishes they chase after, the goals they work so hard for. Grant them health, food and everything else the need to get by day by day. Get the sick well and the well aware And keep the diseases away from them. Guide them and myself if we do get lost. Forgive them and myself if we do stray away. For we are mere humans, to err is common and rather frequent.
There's lots on my mind, You are the Almighty , you know what's inside, so help me God, guide us, show us the light the path the way that is right.
InsyahAllah.
I love you Nurain for loving me whole heartedly and forgive me for any wrongs that I had done.
Great Minds Think Alike
It's good that someone also share the same views as me. Apart from my Ain of course.
I was having this casual conversation with Yayi-Tahir(my cousin's grandfather) over sahur. About some people bringing up the issue of hantaran, the market rate. I told my mom, tell that someone there's no such thing and I will come up with what I can. I told that to Yayi-Tahir as well, I told him hantaran is not wajib in Islam and in Al-Quraan there is no such thing as market rate. Islam never make life difficult for its ummah, it is the ummah who makes their own lives difficult, make mandatory what is not. If you claim you step in and out of the mosque so that often, how can you not be aware of that? Our culture is man-made, man-created why kill ourselves trying to be amongst the norm of culture(that is man-made). If you can afford, go ahead, if not why kill yourself trying?
That's why I say, many of us is still in the state of Jahilliyah(ignorance). So am I, I still do wrong at times but I am just amazed at how the Malay community tries so hard to uphold what is not mandatory. Wake up, open up your mind, remove that veil, you don't have to be ashamed for not carrying out what is not required, what is not mandatory. They who talk and try to shame us should be ashamed for they are in that deep state of ignorance.
Achievements.
If I get into Advance-Diploma faster/ahead than most, I guess the Assistant-Director of Nursing can recognize my potential and IF I can perform well, Dec 2010, I'd wanna reward myself with a Rolex. Look, isn't it sweet....Ooooomph!
The Bamford & Sons customized Rolex, not the typical kind!
Complacency
Given some thoughts, we can never be complacent. I am referring to employment. No matter how stable you are, I guess you'd always need a back up.
I have give it some thought and I hope I'd at least do it. I've been wanting a back up and I have always wanted to be my own boss, well if that doesn't work out, I'd still have to be gainfully employed. And being employed and stagnant is not satisfactory, if within my bond I am not promoted, I guess I gotta move on. To move on, I needed to be outstanding, special from the rest of the candidates. I thought maybe I should start reading up on a subject bit by bit and be a master of it, for example heart related nursing IF I'd want to work in a heart unit. I was thinking if I'd wanna transfer after I completed my bond, I'd go for CGH and apply under one of the specialized unit. CGH why? cos it'd be closer to home and SingHealth's promotions is more or less on a regular confirmed basis, also means I can reach my goal faster. See how la eh, just thoughts only. Taa.....
I Love You, Man
Watch the movie as recommended by my wifey-to-be. She's so right that I can relate to the movie so much....LoL. Hella nice movie, you guys should watch. Gnite everyone, nap time before pm shift!
Jahilliyah
30 years of age is what I will be, come 29th December 2009. I was born a Muslim, yet till date I am far from being a good one. I still do not know some of the basics. I once wanted to master the language(Arabic) so I can understand more of my religion but then I strayed away. Today at the mosque I was awaken, I needed to know more, the basic, the 'mandatory' ones are not enough, merely doing for you have to is not enough, I feel the need to know what I am doing, what I am reciting, what the Imam says. Not everything but at least the jizz of it. It was the period of 'Jahilliyah' in my life that caused me to stray away and became ignorant of what I live by and call myself, a Muslim. I can't believe I was shameless enough to call myself a Muslim back then when I not only was ignorant of my religion, I was also doing what is not allowed.
For I am a mere human, my will was weakened by many things in life. But that is no excuse. Now that I realize, I hope I bring myself back to the path laid before me. As this Ramadan awakened me, I hope I will not be swayed and put to the state I was back then yet again when Ramadan ends.
I start to realize and be thankful had it not been for the certain episodes of my life, I wouldn't have left 'Jahilliyah'. For it had not been that the bringing up I got, for it had not been the friends that I met, had it not been for that I met Ain and had it not been for the unpleasant things that happened in my life, I guess I'd still be stuck there.
Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah. Thank God, The one and only God.
Sometimes, someday
Sometimes, I wonder if I am too much. But then I am just living by my rights and I did nothing wrong. In fact I am preventing accidents and unhappiness in the future at my expense. Sometimes I hope people would understand and put to a stop and just leave me alone. Sometimes, some things are better left unsaid, unexplained cos' sometimes explanation means nothing if it's going thru a 24inch thick steel-like barrier. Sometimes it's not worth the effort. Sometimes I wonder why I am even thinking about it. I think cos sometimes it does affect me. Sometimes it's quite unpleasant being unable to 'fight' and just let things rest when real justice has not surfaced. Sometimes yet again, many more important things require this 2 hemispheres in that thick skull of mine. Sometimes my energy and thoughts are better spent on people who loves me and not discriminate, intimidate and victimize me. I am not your punching bag, your scapegoat, your lab-rat. Sometimes you need to watch what's cooking under the pressure cooker, what time does it say on the clock attached to the time-bomb. That's why sometimes I keep myself away.
Am I suffering from ASPD? I doubt so, I get along pretty well with people who loves me, I get along with my colleagues, my true friends, my acquaintaces and those worth calling family.
I am tired of sometimes, I'd rather have always. I'd want to be with Ain always, I'd want to see her always, I'd want to feel loved always, I'd love to be wanted always. I'd like to be treated FAIRLY always, to be respected always and not to be sabotaged always. I'd wish for happiness always, for faith to the One God always, for forgiveness always and for a healthy mind always. I'd want to be strong always, to be resilient always, to be 'fighting' always. There's too many always, always but the point is I wanna lead a positive life.
Nobody is perfect, neither am I but at least I don't live in denial and leave with denial.
Alhamdulillah from bringing Ain into my life. I can only thank you God for without you nothing is possible.
Tired.
Feeling tired but I am driven. Driven by a fuel no fossil could ever produce. No chemist can ever create. No archeologist and ever recover. I am driven by Ain.
