i cant sleep, so i here i am.....too many troubling my mind.....sigh.....
I DONT WANT A B!
damn....the mistakes ive done(in my practical test) just made it difficult to get an A.....but lucky nuff my theory, i think i scored well so overall theory + practical i got a miserable B. the reason i want an 'A' badly is because itll help me in my final exams.....itll help to pull up the marks.....this is not a drawback, infact it will make me work harder for the rest of the modules knowing tt the rest is infact a greater challenge to attain good grades, modules like bio and sociology especially..... anyway actually its a real relief to know that i got a 'B' which means i got abt 31.5%-35.5% already in my hands in the overall total..... i need at least 44.5% to get an overall 'A'! which is real tough cos tts like close to full marks in both theory and practical OR i can get around another 'B' to get an overall B.....i woudlnt want to think further than B.....at least a B is my goal.....but who knows i can do a perfect demonstration of the clinical skills...and who knows my CAP(class active participation) can score full marks......be optimistic aight?.... but still im not really happy with my grades cos i know if i were careful enough my clinical skills is close to perfect, i mean like vital signs is nothing new to me... then again, nervousness in the presence of the examiner gave everything away.....
updates, updates, i can climb stairs better but then theres a little bleeding but hey its getting better....i forgo friday tennis sessions with my fellow classmates, its for my own good...wats more, im a little feverish today....."hyperthermia related to disturbed sleep pattern secondary to stress" oh tts a diagnosis, for those who dont know, nurses diagnose patients too....not medically but any alteration in normal activities of daily living...... fun....serious... and with the diagnosis, we as nurses are to come up with a care plan to assist the client in rehab. see, nursing is not only about washing backside or feeding the patients...
shucks
being not 100% healthy just shucks.....damn....my knees, and now the irritation in my throat, my runny nose....signs, symptoms tt my body is reacting to pathogens, micro-organisms tt is trying to make me unwell....damn.....i slept and 8 and awake now!!!! im suppose to have my revision last night...shouldnt have lied on the bed knowingly dat i easily fall asleep.....blame it on the weakness.....i hate being unstrong, unrigid, untough....i guess im worn out too much.....where are the days where i fall from skateboarding come back with a limp and skate again in a couple of days later? where are the days when i flipped on my bike, chipped my tooth, deep cuts on my shin and i just pick up my scooter and scoot off just minutes after it? im not like tt anymore......uwaaaaaa.......i guess ive been putting too much energy to school tt my body doesnt have its defence mechanism anymore....damn....
mr dizy where are u....i want that bottle of spirulina......just to give me a little boost.....my sinusitis is coming back.......and i hate it......
gotta study....im studying cardiovascular system...
oh yati or shahreil, whomever reading, tell ur father to quit smoking and u too shahreil quit smoking.....its worrying to know the effects of ciggies......
phew
hey hey.....i know im relieved but dont be too relaxed more coming up... gd news, 2 more successful presentations....the health assesment, mdm chin commented our group did a good job, job well done......and wen i was presenting i actually got the attention of the class and even put on a smile on some of them.....was a great feeling....this morning's individual presentation.....ok la, gd nuff, susan said well done, MOST of the points is there...aiyah...i want to hear ALL....hahah... and another good news....the whole class managed to pull thru module 5108, mdm chin said theres some As....oooo i cant wait to see who are they....and i really hope im one of them....if not a B will do.....
haiya gotta start revising on bio.....bye....
wakey2, smell the poppy...hahah i wish
wakey2 sid.....welcome back to reality.....was asleep early so here i am up still dark, cold and eerie....
sid2.....u do ur work halfway, u get tired, u doze off and now u wake up, ull be sleepy later man...u need to last from 9-6pm....tts like 9hours....of absorption...
gotta sleep somemore....just gotta...
anyways, reality is pretty harsh at times when it hits u in the face, direct, probably above the speed limit....wham!...ya ure right, u dunno wat the hell im talking bout here....
last weeks game of tennis was a real destresser.....the 1hour or so, i was whacking the ball as if i had super strength power, i just whacked....it went out sometimes and sideways but the feel of whacking the ball....the sound of it, the look of the ball whoosh across the court and hitting the ground furiously or at the fence(hahah)
really fed my frustations, my anger, my confusions.....BUT it kinda worn off my knees, i was so dead worn out tt saturday n jus now, i felt the strain as i climbed the stairs....with my weak knee totally gone(in case u dunno i had 3 sugeries on my left knee before and it doesnt help one bit)and i basically worn out my calf n thigh muscles and thus i was like as good as a cripple....i feel sad, a little cos i know i cant skate anymore cos it will jus worsen my condition and wats gotten to me more, in my old age....will i be independent? i want to and i dont want a walking stick... i think after working a couple of years i wanna go for another sugery, a good one at the sports hospital i read about....i guess they'd do a better job than the one tt was paid for totally. ill fork out a couple of Ks for that, wouldnt mind if it means id be independent in my old age......
another worrying thing is athritis.......we learn about it last week thru a group presentation.....i hope it doesnt affect me too....im trying to study more about it and how to prevent it and trying to stop my bad habit of cracking my fingers cos itll wear out the tiny2 ligaments in there.....i hope whoever read this, do take care of ur health too.....find out ways to prevent stuffs tt might happen in ur old age....me, im just preparing myself, cos the figures kinda worry me a little and ouh a disclaimer....athritis doesnt really affect only the old....many ppl tot so, so now u know....:)
im trying to live day by day as it is, try not to stress myself out unneccessarily, like i just now, i could just sit for an hour or so and stare at the beatiful sky and the cable cars.....hehehe....if the fees for a ride wasnt ex, id love to go for a ride.....bt then again no need to waste money....the hills would do...i dunno, i just love heights....it gives u a beautiful view from the top, it gives u a bigger picture of everything.......
i think i gotta start editing on last nights work, print it out and taddaaa...few more hours of sleep before i head to school to revise on bio......gnite frens or should i say gd morning?....
stress
stress is a distress to every human being and certainly its affecting many of us and ppl we love.
before we get on to the main issue, im happy that i passed my practical test though im not totally satisfied i was expecting full marks, perfect but i forget a couple of stuffs like my charts, such a silly mistake which i learn, next time round, no more mistakes, i lll get a perfect score but being able to pass and not have a retest is good enough cos i know ill definitely get more than 50% and i also realise being an ambitious person doesnt make u a perfect person.....ouh one more thing, i think im gonna start a new blog, complimentary to verivicious.blogspot, it will be called "the diary of a male nurse"...soon once i start my clinicals.....
to the main issue, my baby was feeling so stressed up and me neglecting me is affecting her even more, im too occupied with my studies and myself....most times im either at school studying or in the evening trying to rehab and strengthen my weak knees for the sake of nursing and i would love to do sports once again....now that i realise im progressing pretty well at tennis....i never thought she'd miss me tt much cos she never does tell me or sms me or give me alarming signs tt she needs attention, more than what i have given her.....its true, i tend to be preoccupied and neglect her weekdays.....but ive already forewarned her tt things is getting busier....ive done good with the effort ive put in....but what i went thru was only the start, in two weeks there'll be more tests and come monday is another ICA(in-course-assesment) presentation.....tts no big deal the real deal are the killer subjects and the 1000words essay which i have yet to touch.......i didnt mean to neglect her honest.....i turned down my best bud shahreil for soccer sessions for a trip to sim lim and kopi sessions....cos i realise priorities, my priorities.... its not tt nani and my frens are not important to me, there are equally important, they are the concrete pillars behind that kept me standing up.....the ones that gave me endless encouragements and reasons to go on and on.....of course my mother is the strongest one of all.........
i just hope tt they would understand my situation.....and i would try to manage my time better and take care of my health.....cos i find tt i tire easily and sleep is wasting my precious time, i can get more things covered if i strictly stick to 6-8 hours of sleep per day and 1-2 hours of leisure.....nani is right, im not really managing my time well.......but i need some space to breathe too, i cant be occupying my timetable tt i cant breathe......i hope she understands and i really hope shed open up a bit more, tell me whats bothering her rather than keep things bottled up till it finally explode......
i love her, for the fact tt she loves me so much, so much tt i dun think anyone else i came across before had potrayed.....she even have dreams of a future with me which i dont think the 'past ones' ever had cos in their eyes im a complete loser, a bummer, a slacker who dreams too much, who is too optimistic, who always look on the brighter side too often.......she, have faith in me, she's willing to wait and i hope tt wouldnt change......
i think ive mentioned before, different ppl develop at their own pace.....for me is sadly a slower pace.....but ill know ill be there one day.....i just know....ill reach my target, my very own....i dont have to live up to ppls expectations.....i just need to live up to my own...and probably beyond if possible......
stress is a very disturbing element in our lives but we can use tt to our advantage....use problem-solving to solve stress and not emotion.... emotions will not solve anything....stop being angry, stop being sad, stop being disappointed, work on the problem and stress will slowly go away.....find out why are u stressed? can u solve it? if not, can u manage it? or can u try slowly to solve it instead of finding an instant solution?
stress is a worrying element tt leads to depression....and u wouldnt want to end up there......depression leads to many health complications.....hypertension and even cva(stroke)....and believe me....cancer is also related to depression, although theres no scientific explanation as yet but majority of ppl who has cancer have a stress problem or depression.....so pls try to manage it, if theres no solution, sweat it out, play games, relax, go for a walk, talk to ur frens......
u must be wondering how i know all this...haiya lessons ar.....im especially interested in psychology.....and i guess me being sponsored by imh fits the puzzle perfectly....im fated to be there, i mean as nurse of course.....and who knows if i work hard enough i can open a clinic, a psychiatric clinic.....cool huh?....but its still a long way so i dare not dream.....ill just do my best work my way through and hopefully ill at least meet my expectations.....i want to retire at least with a doctorate in nursing.....just for self satisfaction.....
adios ppl, ive got to do research on a killer subject sociology, and guess wat im researching on?....suicide...and how society plays a role in it.....cool huh? morbid but it is reality tt many of us push aside cos it doesnt affect us or our loved ones.
bitch
does owning a car entitled u the road? cmmon la tt bitch still have tt stupid triangle on her windscreen.....stupid bitch, slut, melayu some more! kanina.....
she jus swerved in like tt as if her grandfather who passed away owned the road... slut.......then never make effort to raise her hand or something, i guess shes blind cos she donned tt fancy i think designer sunglass...arrrh...probably its pasar malam goods and so is herself...probably pasar malam also....damn u....owning a car doesnt authorize u to drive like u father own the fucking road....bitch!.....we motorcyclist pay road tax too....damn u, curses....
phew i just need to let it out....damn bitch....
anyways, theory was over....sheesh it was so simple...BUT the questions was so tricky tt after comparing with my frens i already realised i made a couple of mistakes....well i just hope i do good if i cant do well up to my expectations... 70% will do, cant wait for the results......anyways i jus think the tricky questions are made to kill us....im just hoping for the best.....wish me luck...bio test in week 10, tt makes it 2 more weeks to go....urrrghhh.....gotta start....adios...
discipline
mohammed siddiq bin ali, the key is discipline.....only u can decide ur future... ure doing OK(only) so far, work harder, whip ur fat ass to study harder and block out distractions........whip ur fat ass so that u wake up at 6am everyday and not only days where theres class at 8am.....damn u sid, an ok is not enuff.....*whip, *whip..........u have more than that.......put it all to use....bring the rest down.. damn it.....go for first...or mebbe more realisticly the top 10percent... damn u.......
this has been an encouragement transmission.....toooooot.......
i love my nani....cos she loves me lot.....im sorri if i have neglected u..... 2 years is a very short time.....bear with it my dear........i need u behind me, pushing me, giving me encouragement..........
sad.....
i pity....well not really, i empathize nani.....i can see her new job is really affecting her well being.....she appears gloom not as usual, shes quiet, she looks tired.....i can see shes under alot of stress....i hope she'd be better soon... cos i really dunno wat to do.....i can say im dumb at these things....my attempts only barely made her smile.......
although i know i have neglected her but seeing her like that just now really sadden me and im real concern but i dunno how to help her, except give her advise which i reckoned she would take.....i just hope it doesnt affect her health cos i very well know when she gets sick, she gets real sick.....i hope she gets a new job soon..... so that after completing 3 months she can straight away tender....
i guess love is when u can feel the other party....u tend to feel it too, u worry about the other person.....
gdnite peeps....i will have to slog thru the books again...i was interupted in the afternoon after my uncle n auntie came to invite to next week's solemnisation of their youngest daughter.....the kenduri will be held saturday at toh guan and the actual akad nikah the following friday.....i think among cousins...i mean those ard my age, id be the last to get married.....hahaha....anyways gd nite peeps, biology is a killer, so is sociology and psychology.....2 silent killers...
sigh
me taking a mini break, wanted to write me blog yest but jus dozed off...basically the presentation, the project work, rehab at the gym and tennis really tires me out all in one day.....
sum up of yest,
morning...lab practicals got me worrying about next weeks practical and theory test, i tend to forget certain steps that we need to verbalize....for example, checking on the patients facial expressions......the rationale behind each steps...sheesh i need more practice on monday and my classmates are a real help, i dunno what id do if i don not have good classmates or selfish ones....
1205hr butterflies in my stomache, i was a nervous wreck its presentation for andy's class, psychology, we chose a topic on observational theory and have to explain our understanding in depth.....i was super nervous....but it went smoothly, until sundari(the indian pr) started to present her part, they way she spoke was like super hard to understand and i feel her examples was rather irrelevant..... and then andy started asking theoretical questions where some of us got a conflicting answers, in my mind i was like oh shit...waddafuck...........then comes the verdict....phew, andy said......"your presentation was very well done, the activities went smoothly and the class participated and everything went smoothly.....i feel that this group(refering to our tutorial group/the class) is VERY VERY good so far (compared to the other group i presume) i was like so proud and happy all at once.....i felt like jumping up and down.....fellow classmates congratulate us....and my group mates actually said i did well and i was good but i tot i was nervous......but they said i was very good.......kembang giler sak.....i know i can present well, i mean presenting to ppl is nothing new to me, thnks to harimau petrocon services, elken, and ngee ann poly...ive gained presentation skills from there but yest i was super nervous.......but seems like ive done a good job....
after that was more practice on nursing skills then we had to round up of wat to do for the next presentation.......after all was done, i decide to head to the gym for my usual knee rehab, basically strengthening my calves and thigh muscles to assist my weak knees....jus as i was heading to the gym, i saw some of my classmates, they asked me to join for tennis if i wanted....but priorities first, my knee rehab... my career gonna require me to be on my feet for at least 8-12 hours a day.....
i joined them for tennis later...it was my first time holding a tennis racquet....i was so dumb...but got a hang of it after an hour or so and i think its fun.... next friday play again ya? hahahah......was such a stress relieve but wen i got home stress piled up again looking at my diary.....
next week, week 8 tuesday-2 presentation, 1theory test, friday-practical test!...... argggghhh.....tts why im up early on the so called weekend.......wish me luck guys..
time is like gold to me now...
time gets shorter n shorter day by day......i work like a dog....bt then wen i really get to rest 1-2 hours i felt like its a sin after that......cos i know wat ive done is not enough...and im realllllly very worried....anxious, pressured and stressed......
i have no time for my sayang, i told her perhaps once a week only we meet.....i even braved myself up to tell her if its a drag to wait for the 2years, shes free to choose. i dunno if thats the right thing to do anyways.....for me, im just being fair to her. but i dont think we'd part given the fact tt she loves me so much...and both of us being optimistic does help.....
im real stressed.....i guess come saturday i need a break, id like to apologise to my good frens and my sayang.....from now towards the end of the year most probably i cant join u guys for soccer or for kopi sessions and my sayang, i hope once a week is good nuff for us.......i hope u guys understand and be supportive about it..... this is my dream, this is wat i chose, let me live it, let me grab hold of it, not grasp, let me GRAB hold of it....i dont want a half fuck pass, i want to get at least Bs and a few As ....i might be too ambitious but its good to be ambitious rather than to sit where u are and be contented with what is GIVEN to u and not what u obtained....its 2 different things....
i need a study buddy now, i need to find someone who studies in school, alvin does study at school but he's my senior so we're kinda off track.....hmmm....week 10 comes all the tests....urgghhh scary sak....its been a long time since i felt like this!....
next week-3 presentations, 2theories, 1 practical........crazy sak.....madnessssss...
wats happening?
i dunno, she doubted me....i guess bcos of my behavior huh?...i dunno im having mood swings.....i dunno if its the effect of the jab, school, stress, financial woes or watever it is......i dont doubt her at all cos i know she loves me alot....i know im not being a 100% and i wasnt giving a 100% tts wat i felt too....i do love her but i just feel that im not giving a 100%...im glad, im happy that i have someone who loves me a 100%, ive never had someone who does before.....i dunno love is complicated i must say....
fear or respect?
i respect uniformed ppl for their will to serve the country but i guess theres certain ppl tt i rather more of fear than respect....the boys in white....for fear of them would give me a ticket for any stupid 'offence'.. its so obvious tt they are out to get someone to meet their quota i sometimes...the way they look at you & your ride for any so called 'illegal-modifications'....HE actually u-turned......just to take a closer look......and kept looking at his side mirrors.....i mean, i was driving like 60-65km/h on a 70km/h road, so in my mind was like wats the problem? isnt ur job is to look for traffic offenders? not innocent road user who happens to be in ur way and happens to driving/riding a hot or popular vehicle? stereo-typing is another real bad phenomenon(haha wat a word to use) in their job scope....i mean not all sports vehicle users are racers, thieves(stolen parts and vehicles on the rise) or likes to modify their vehicle extensively.....i mean i once saw an apek riding a harley(i dont think he stole the accessories) and a nyonya driving driving a capable LEXUS at a super slow speed that even my brothers bicycle can beat her....i mean my ride was more like a transport and it even has an ugly box behind to put my school books......but why he look until like that? stereotype lor........DAMN.....if i known i wouldve bought myself a less popular bike......id do just tt when i start work....my 'weapon' of choice have always been exclusive but somehow, the trend catches on and it always happen to be something i and ppl like me likes.....for example the vespa....(but im glad now theres less trendist riding tt cool machine...its just nauseating to see them).....anyways back to the issue, i guess in sg theres too much restrictions for the wrong reasons... but i guess the bodies involved are realising better....evidence are the many uprooted skateparks, the ability to use sports exhaust and halogens(provided u got them inspected and approved at LTA), the availability of walls to spray paint legally...
the situation was even worse when i was really living my youth and it was so sad they realised late......if not i guess some of my frens would now be pro skaters i saw their potential and me, i wouldve enjoyed my youth better...but we were kept being chased away by the boys in blue.... i mean we have to skate creatively looking for spots bcos there were only like ONE skatepark in sg and we were school boys with limited cash.....so the neighbourhood was the cheapest playground....but we were chased ard by the boys cos the ppl in the neighbourhood complained cos they thought we are criminals....hahaha.....but now its better la.....haiya....this is life lor.... sometimes u damn suay one....while other ppl are commiting the real offence elsewhere(i actually saw a big sports bike speeding and demonic speed minutes before i was booked), u get booked...just like a couple of years ago, i think 7years ago when i was riding my old px150 and i got booked cos my number plate happens to be of the unapproved one.....sigh....again stereotype matte-black vespas are racing vespas which can go at speed which normal vespas cant.....so he checked for illegal modifications BUT MY BIKE WAS STOCK and so the number plate will do.....uurgggh!
ok im done
im done with research....phew...but hey Albert Bandura is one hell of a psychologist.
kudos to him.....the therapy he came up with actually could make a person who has a lifelong phobia of snakes to overcome it just by observational learning. in case you do not know, observational learning is through 4 basic, main elements, 1.attention/observation, 2.retention/memory, 3.imitation/reproduction 4.motivation/the will to learn. he is really amazing....
happiness is around my nani.....she just got a job with starhub....a 9-5 job somemore coporate marketing.....congrats......its been a long but well deserved wait.
another huge evidence of observational learning is during my skateboarding days, thats how i learn, i observe, remember, and then imitate or reproduce....and of course i love skateboarding so theres always motivation.
and this video im sharing with u (sick of it all~scratch the surface) is the real reason why i got a flat-top haircut(see lou) back then when i was 15 and actively listening to hardcore, here, enjoy this old skool video of sick of it all....
im lazey
im so lazey recently, i spent national day racing on my lambo in nfsu.....it was like from noon till 5pm....okok it was actually before noon!!....but hey i got myself to 5th position.......i own 3 cars, an evo all modded up, a porsche and a wicked lamborgini..........i felt so sinful, i was suppose to study this afternoon
but after the 5hours of racing my eyes felt like popping out.....so i jus flipped thru psychology before i slept...and now i wanna fetch my sayang...ive been a bad bf too....been like abandoning her for days...haha well actually 2days only......haha still i felt like i did...........
ouh im back to my roots, i mean music, wat i use to listen to, hardcore.....it rocks....think integrity, sick of it all, stomping ground, four sides......its melodic, its not metal, its hardcore....throw ur fist in the air and for a moment, high-pitched vocal boys are off my mind, i need the instant adrenaline, the rush, the energy....
hmm how bout lord rul sing for my imaginary band....god i miss slapping on the bass lines......damn.....
ok ok
hmm kay, face it ive grown...hahaha.....i know....im lazee....i pump but i dun run.. sheesh.....ive gained 3kg, although im pretty happy at some parts but im really worried bout the tummy....hahaha....sid2, get ur lazy ass after school to the damn gym, uve been procrastinating since last week......
im stuck on old school........old school music have been blasting of my altec lansing speakers......old school rocks.....think nirvana, metallica, slayer, sublime, rancid, offsprings, rhcp....more n more.....
arrghhh sleep much needed
i very well needed sleep.....but not so early tt i end up waking at this hour..sheesh
okok....i just have to log on,its like a need...hahaha....anyways, sorry sayang i overslept, i tot id take a nap at 930 and wake up at 11pm to go online but i just overshot, i guess i was too tired, especially after my rehab exercise on my knees...
im trying to do them at least once a week....i dont want to be dependent when im old. i wanna be a strong old man, very much independent and grow old with my sayang as i watch my children start their own family....hehehe fikir panjang sak...
anyways, i just had to check out my 2 favourite blogs, shahreil's n of course nani's.
nani didnt want ppl to bother her, i hope im not one of them....hmm, if anything or anyones bothering u pls tell me yeah? my nicks vicious for a reason u know...hehehe
shahreil was feeling rather upset cos he makes effort and no one like appreciate, they more like take things for granted....i hope u dont feel that i am one of them kay? im just too bz nowadays but i do reply to ur msges, even though i was in a middle of a lecture n just now a discussion....its not tt i dun want to play soccer anymore, its jus tt i have so much things to do.....i actually long to play soccer but many factors just tells me to stop for awhile.....one reason is my knee, 2ndly school stuff, 3rdly soccer has gone into the unenjoyable activity region SOMETIMES(perhaps next time i play, i try not to be in ramop's team).
adil smsed me wanting to borrow my vespa bcos he wants to send his bike for a paint job. i declined not bcos im stingy but for many reasons and ouh not becos i dun trust my fren to look after my bike......
u see, my caramella is born in 1970 and still with standard engine and parts, no mechanical modifications watsoever. its delicate in a way cos u cant ride it fast&far and its much more delicate especially when it dons 8inch rims....i had to spend close to 500bucks last year just to repair the flywheel and shaft, cos ive been using it to and fro woodgrove everyday......and wats more its front shocks need replacement, imagine shahreil's px200 sampan.....its just not as bad. its not really safe to ride far and everyday....and the breaks they need replacement, so u see, i have my reasons and i hope ure not pissed tt i declined straight away, cos i know my scooter best. sorry adil.....hehehe wait till i get a harley or tt 540ktm, u can borrow my gilera anytime dude......ouh shahreil actually borrowed my vespa before too, wen the days it wasnt so fragile....
hmm i think id catch some sleep and wake up at 5am for revisions, i didnt do any last night, cos i came back at abt 830 after my assignments, makan n then sleep....
ouh 1st august was nurses day!....my first nurses day!
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