im not so vicious after all

i defended myself my rights, i screamed, i debated with the unreasonable childish bastard...in my heart was how i wish i could've swing the baseball bat like piece of wood behind my door...but after it all ended....i sat in my room, tears drip down my cheeks thinking of my fate. im not so vicious after all....

yes i am indeed a 'penumpang', but this flat belongs to my mom as well, so as long as my mom allows me to stay, i'll stay. at one point, i just wanted to leave, cos i know i can survive...ive worked in factory, as a cook, as a cleaner...various....he said i was ego, choosy and thats why im jobless...he never asked...i never choose, in fact as we speak im legally employed....ive done so many jobs that most probably some wouldnt even want to, i shan't elaborate....the thing is, he just wants me out of this house and his eyes get sore, wenever he sees me at home...in short, he is just a plain bastard trying to drive me out......

insyahallah yes, indeed, i will find a place of my own....but sg's law make it hard for me to find a place affordable....if not now, i could simply apply for a studio apartment which would probably cost me 100+ per month excluding bills...ive asked around but all wanted market rate, i fully understand....im just looking forward to get that job...it doesnt matter for now....i know i wouldnt have a future or even a career...but then i need that 1.4k or more per mth....

my day will come, deep inside im still not vicious...but u treat me like a dog, makes me stand up for my rights and the accussations that wasn't true....i can sense his fear in his eyes as my tolerance level broke and i released my anger my full potential that might be dangerous....the thought of swinging that piece of wood against his head is so sweet....im evil...but im not vicious....i feel like punching a punching bag...to vent my anger.....im like a pressure cooker, only that tension is building up inside of me. but still im in the right mind of not doing something stupid, i've always been careful....abt consequences....but today, i gambled away... i know once he had a case....i dared him but proven he chickened out....cos he knows im prepared, prepared for war....

i feel like im such a burden to this family....im just the odd one out...im my mother's child but from her first marriage so that makes me a complete stranger to that bastard. i guess he still cant accept the fact that he have to provide shelter for someone that is not his child but that is just completely wrong cos he agreed to be fair upon exchanging vows, with the 'kadi' as witness.

the reason he is so dumb is bcos he dun have his own principle in life, he is easily influenced by ppl ard him, well thats wat mom said...working at psa and the car wash thingy makes him worst...cos the kind of ppl there, hooligans, educationless bastards. they probably tell him, that im adult enough so why should he provide shelter for me...but the thing is he is just brainless....purely brainless....

im not boasting but he is old, one day he will be frail and probably requires a walking stick to get around....he never realised, that once it was me who held his hand providing support as we walked to the clinic. he never realised that it was me, who tutored him, when he upgraded his skills at the ITE. does he think that his daughter whom he married off will take care of him when he is frail and weak? i dont think so....after she got married, she immediately abandoned him, only visiting when there are important matters....

as a muslim somehow, i am reminded not to wish something bad for others but i just cant help it....may he rot n die...

smear colours on my white canvas pls....

as my future at esplanade seems bleak, i have to go for another temp job while waiting for good full time.....ntuc has the answer, the call last tuesday was perhaps an answer to all this long wait...maybe...cos i heard the pay is pretty ok, and the job not too bad....i'll give it a go....hopefully i get it....

here's my plans for my earnings if say i get, put aside for my loans and settle it once i got my 2nd paycheck....doll up caramella with crashbars, and start saving up for my future, say 200bucks a mth.....you might not know when u might need it....im gonna save up for rainy days....and if i save enough, i might want to go to school again next year, prolly get a part time degree or sumthin...im not satisfied with my achievements.
thats how i feel.....i will not be satisfied, until mom or someone i love(in the future) came forward and give me a hug, and says"uve done well....im proud of u.."

im looking forward to visiting the dentist, if they have allowance for that...coolness, its been years since ive visited the dentist...and i hate my not white teeth...it has discoloured, i dunno why...i never smoke...i brush regularly.. but i guess, its the amount of coffee n tea that i drink.....next thing, ill have a new tv...and probably send my ps2 to be modified....coolness....theres so many things im gonna do....coolness.....

the hr department gotta do something about those full timers doing the roster...they are being unfair to the rest of the people......but hey at least i earned that good 15hours for 14bucks an hour....and i got loads of their t-shirts....hehehe

gotta catch some sleep guys, i heard the interview's a long one....wish me luck... if i get it, first paycheck...alif peeps, drinks on me....

smear me with ur black ink.....

it appears that though we are frens now, we still fight....over small matters, i gave in but it appears that what i do is such a huge crime...i compromised but u disagree. im sorry, i understand, thats why i gave in but if u thought otherwise, you are wrong, my thoughts are pure...ikhlas it would be in arab.....but its ok, its over anyways..

i dun intimidate ppl, n i never ever in my life make ppl feel inferior compared to me, if i did, i never meant it, it was accidental...no one is perfect. all i know is im not that evil but maybe vicious at times but with truth....

anyways, today, spent the afternoon with adil at the beach...its been a long time since ive been there...sentosa....in the last couple of years, ill be at the beach at least once a month...and at less busy times, almost every week....but nowadays, going to the beach is a rare ocassion, so its normal that i want to capture this moments on my dg..
later in the night met shareil n his yati...dinner together, jln2 & of course the normal fooling ard at toys 'r' us......this is one of the few weekdays that i had so much fun.....80 images captured on my dg...can u believe that...thnks guys... u all made my day....

in the afternoon while waiting for the rain to stop, NTUC called me offering me a position as branch supervisor, my interview's on friday....i wanna check it out....instead of turning down the offer flat like hmv, who knows the pay is ok...
once i start working a normal stable job again, ill pay off all my loans ASAP and probably i wanna take over shai's super 4......c how ar...cos im not a road bike person actually, except for vespa ar.......oh friday too, prolly, im going down with shida n rashid to the middle east council, to try our luck for jobs over there... if i got any...JACKPOT! hehehehe......then ill come back prolly in 1-3years time, will buy a house or rent & live on my own...i always wanted to do that..for certain reasons...

june is coming...here comes class2!

until then, c ya guys ard....adios.....

fate was jus playing before my eyes

was browsing thru a fotopage....that particular person was at the same place as i was at just about the same period of time....but then again....we never met...cool huh.. we never bump into each other n i never saw her...n the weird thing was, i had the urge to buy an ice cream cone from mcdonalds but somehow, i just said to myself, ah its ok, some other time...mebbe jus a drink would do....if i had that ice cream cone, i wouldve met her but i was trying not to 'grow' myself again cos i jus had 2 home made chicken burgers before i left home.....photographs they do wonders.....i like.....

its never too late...

met aisha, she needed the camera....walked around, grabbed a hot red studded belt for myself cos it was a steal....5bucks....hung out with the guys until late where shareil joined us, played stupid games, laughters, jokes and making fun of each other...it was to us, a form of entertainment, cheap, harmless entertainment......later went over to shareil's at about 4am....to watch 'Be Cool' and it was proven, piracy wasnt cool cos the sound was terrible.... but the pirated copy of trainspotting was good, digital clear.....we end up watching trainspotting.....was more on the comedy side...but it has a life story to it...

the show, like Renton, made me realise....that we need to set things straight for some of us. some of our lives.....some of us, do not have perfect lives....perfect family...or was spoon fed or born with a silver or golden spoon.....some of us never had these 'priviliges' in life......for me, i was a latch key kid....it doesnt bother me then....but living with a step-dad who doesnt accept me does cos he is getting on my nerves....but theres no point whining about it, no point entertaining the childish being of his....what i need to do is prove to myself and to many that probably what i said to some of my frens might indeed come true on day.....i told them, one day, i got a feeling i will make it....it might be just a dream n me being overly ambitious or it might come true, it all depends on me.....n of course fate....but im not giving in to fate, cos im fighting against it......we need to make a change and only we ourselves can make that change....others can only help or guide u...its though.....

i wasnt born with wealth....after national service, working as a pizza chef earned me quite a fair share, almost 900bucks every 2 weeks on good months....all i thought back then was to indulge in myself, my wants, my enjoyment, my entertainment and of course putting a smile to my loved ones face....i never think long term...it was all totally the will of the heart, wat the heart wants, the heart gets.....i slog...n i enjoy myself later on...that was all i thought....until, after 2 years of enjoyment, someone made me realise i need a future, it was only then that i really worked hard, to get a real job, it paid off....but then on the first month i was put through a test i was offered a temp job with a greater pay and on top of that i could do my part time MLM shit at night....i was filled with greed and again i failed to make my decision based on my future, well the decision i made has got to do with my future(teaching) but then it was more on greed....i was thinking big bucks and again enjoyment....but then all those was shortlived as my relief teaching was cut short and i quit my MLM shit cos the ppl was full of crap and the whole shit was actually crap....though i must admit their products are amazing BUT expensive.

i learnt a valuable lesson, decisions are tough to make....but never regret it cos it only makes u a better person....

sheesh im too groggy to type something that probably u guys would understand, im trying to speak my mind but im afraid u might not understand after all....guess id better catch some sleep, that write something that none of u would understand.... adios.....nites....

rise lord vader................

star wars was good....lucky we made it in time....didnt miss a thing but the kid behind was irritating as he kept asking his parents abt the show....anyways overall it was good but i felt that it was not a 100% well done kinda thing...i mean trying to patch all the rest of the episodes in this 1 episode is tough. overall kudos to george lucas, finally the star wars saga has ended...the story is complete.......

walked ard with rashid with nowhere n nothing to do, saw one of the esplanade guys working oredi...i hope they will call me up soon......we end up at marina square, getting lost n finally playing arcade games like kids...we had fun though...ended everything soon after that.....

rashid's going to bring me shooting soon, yeay!....can learn some stuffs abt cameras..
new things has always interest me.....but only one had stayed for a long time...vespa, my love for vespa........i got a feeling photography will stay for a long time too...

anyway frens good night....i guess the rest are having fun at devil's bar.... enjoy peepz....

may the force be with u

apparently the much awaited star wars episode III has been released last thursday but its suprising that some of my frens are not even keen about it....i feel like im out of this world around them, ive only managed to get shareil, rashid & aisha.....i know they are working but they dont sound keen at all....gee has, the force died in them. although i admit, im no huge fan like probably rashid or adi(who has hundreds of star wars figurines) but its like a part of our lives, we grew up with it, watching it, just like superman & batman & spiderman, except star wars has greater effects and more story line to it, rather than just eliminating bad villains....its a life story of how evil actually evolved from a pure creature, a child.......well, i dunno but thats my view, i mean its like a must to see the continuation or should i say the end of the star wars thingy....watever it is, im watching tommorow and making my life complete by watching episode III.

star wars aside, 'empty' talks again at alifs....but somehow the laughters, the jokes, the smiles of their faces never fail to lighten me up....they are wonderful for being there most times...cos i wouldnt know what i would be doing if they weren't around....especially on days like this when i had nothing to do.....

sometimes i think back about my actions at canadian pizza, i know some of them are asswipes over there...but i wasnt being smart by letting them win...if i had stayed at least now i have a part-time job and my pay wouldve probably escalated to at least 6-7bucks per hour, i was the 2nd strongest man there when nazrul left. i gave in too much to my emotions...probably im no hypocrite...thats why...some ppl, my fren, can even turn his back on me just to keep himself out of the water.....sigh....

no use thinking bout old times...but sometimes u cant help it....the mistakes that uve done sometimes shouldnt have been there cos u very well knew the consequences but u did it anyway jus to satisfy yourself and you ignore the consequences....i was being dumb at times, it cost my future...but im glad, at least i have something...

the call from the HR at HMV actually gave me the boosts to try further...just keep on applying, while im still with esplanade....at the esplanade i can reap in big bucks from what i heard but once the season of shows died down, the casuals would die along....thats the bad part.....

im getting more comfortable with my room, thanks shareil for the advice, cleaning up does help, so now u know why...id rather be at home....hehehe...c ya at the show tommorow...may the force be with u.....:) oh by the way anyone wanna tag to kingdom of heaven next week?....

u dun have to make fun of me

its not funny, u dun have to make fun of the situation...thnks anyway, its u who suggested in the first place...now excuses all suddenly surface....

gee....am i dumb or smart?

i turned down an offer from HMV, cos i wanted part time....but they say the want me to work full time....i ask if there is prospect and how much is the pay, the answer doesnt make me wanna say yes...gee....did i make the wrong decision? but watever it is, the conversation has ended...so fullstop....hehehe......

in celebration of star wars episode III

hehehe my favourite theme...the imperial march...the dark side...ive always been a fan of darth vader....and my fav good guy has always been yoda.....but what i want most is that tie fighter helmet.....

i will be watching star wars this saturdae...yeay!......anyone wanna tag?...may the force be with u.....nites

deception, the games ppl play

a fren of mine got to learn, that the other half have been exchanging love notes(poems) via sms, of course its harmless enough to exchange poems if it doesnt cross over the line. suspicious over 1 sms, she checked his hp unkown to the owner...theres upmteen smses bearing the same name with poems of all sorts, in reply to what he sent she assumed...devasted, it was only normal to turn to a fren but there is nothing i could do, nothing and my words are futile, useless....ultimately its you who have to decide what to do, wat to say...i can only give views, options and advice.....sigh, its such a waste....u have someone who loves you so much and yet you betray her, took advantage of her trust, the freedom she gave you....i was just defending the male gender the other day as the increasing number of cases of female cheating on the males.....but now, sheesh gotta take back my word....u bastards out there really spoils our reputation... hahaha...hey this is no joke......i pity my fren, she was over the moon, on pink fluffy clouds, she would trade her soul for his....but in the end its all unreal to her disbelief.

cheer up to others who are in the same fate, it is not the end of the road, uve just stepped into a pothole, lift up your foot, shake off the muddy waters and continue walking, follow your path...follow ur heart...im sure god has something in store for you....good luck...:)

adidas loves vespa, me love adidas & vespa

i kept playing the video over n over again, its so fun to watch others having fun...
i wish there were such fun in sg....where all scooterists are so united, that they tag along even they do not know each other.....but right here, the 'kaum' thingy is still going on....scooterists belong to different clans.....and not all can be frens with one another....when can we demolish this barrier of ours?...isnt it fun if all scooterist unite, young or old, vintage or new....but sometimes i don't wanna mix with some of them either, probably cos of the 'frequency' difference.....

scooters aside.....i hate doing nothing, thats a fact....its making me lazy....so hurry up u hr ppl.....call me up to set up stuffs over there...so i can earn that 14buck per hour....n HRs elsewhere...get ur asses moving, read my cv n either reject or give me a call soon.....and enchik yusof...when is ur boss coming back? is the dubai job real or not in the first place?....

another hopeful day for me......i hope it won't turn out till i feel hopeless..... oh, must follow by the caption, 'impossible is nothing'...ceh bah...mcm betul je.
cheers peeps, c y ard~

lazy

im getting lazy.....and its such a shame to admit on an blog.....am i feeling what shareil was feeling?....im sick and tired but i know i have to keep going but part of the brain just keeps telling me to chill out and take a break....theres a conflict going on between the two hemispheres.....and sometimes its giving out sharp pains, what doctors would call migrane.....my body won't budge, i guess the bad brain has taken control over it.....the other half kept telling me, as though ive sinned cos im starting to slack already.....its making me feel guilty, the guilt is as if ive commited a major sin....and yet the other half just wanna sit back and chill out and listen to those mp3s while surfing aimlessly indulging in my obsession with online shopping and vespas......arrgggghhh....my systems failing....my systems failing.... may day may day........*toooooooooooooooot...................(disappears into the background)

memories....

ive just added adi, aka adi sam.....adil's n shareil's cuzzen.....
i recalled the time when i first got to know him, and i was doughboy, that was my nick in mirc....back then mirc was the only form of cheap communication via the interenet, it was cooler than the telephone cos all of us can talk at the same time in our own chat room.....

when i viewed sam's profile and pictures it just brought me back to the times....when they all got pissdrunk n nude at the chalet.....adi, jakpa and frens were the ppl who brought a new meaning to the word fun.....to still see him having the same fun till now, whoah, i am envious i must say....if only more of the boys weren't trying to grow up so fast, i think we'll still be having fun.....

jus thoughts, frens...thoughts....it seems my generation would rather grow up quick than enjoy all the fun in the world...life is short, u gotta enjoy a little dun stress the fuck up too much ok?.....cheers~

jng putus asa sid....

as future is uncertain, situations start to plunge down again, it is normal of a person to start whining and think about 'what ifs'....it is perfectly normal but what i feel is, rather than u brood over it and whine....might as well u use up that energy to do something useful or more benificial...to u of course....

me, im clearing up my room....shareil once said, a cleaner room can make u work better. i do believe in that, cos when my room is spanking clean....it makes my mind think better.....revamping my cv needs alot of effort n tots to it....and a clean room is what i need....i totally agree to rashid's comments, we are selling ourselves we are not telling truth in its purest form cos that will look bland....i hope mine works... but im still not satisfied, its still not a 'bestseller' as yet....

im tired of asking ppl to wish me luck...i guess in being succesful, luck is only a fraction of the whole thing compared to effort n determination....no use asking ppl for luck if u sit of ur fat arse waiting for jobs to land on ur pretty face....right?. everybody's the same....of course theres some luck involved... sometimes some ppl land themselves better jobs....but all in all, u cant just bum around and expect money to come in....u have to work, even if its a temporary job.

k guys gotta resume my 'spring cleaning' harharhar....

bad day

as i said....i was feverish....n a fren got screamed at cos of that...apparently, the other party wasn't aware of that...the phone rung, happy tree frens' irritating laughter kept repeating...i was irritated i just put the pillow over my head...but it kept irritating me, to the point i couldnt take it anymore...i picked up the phone n vent my anger on the caller....after the conversation ended, regret sets in as silence came in immediately after that...apologies wasnt accepted....but im sorry my fren, im sure u know who u are....

my scooter obsession definitely hasnt ended.....me browsing through sip(a famous scooter parts distributor) made me drool as how i wanted another vespa but race tuned. it seems that the obsession will never end...its both good and bad....the good thing is, its a form of drive to get me a good job so i can earn bucks and indulge in my obsession with scooters....the bad thing is, ill probably spend most of my hard earned money on my bike......this is wat happens when a scooter freak left alone in his own world....with the help of internet, it just makes him more crazy....and makes him want to buy, buy, buy and build, build, build.....probably most ppl wouldnt understand...after witnessing how my caramella failed me so many times and yet i put in effort, sweat, blood n money to keep it going strong again....its the passion, the passion that probably will fade off a little only when i get a mini or a vw mini bus.. hahaha...but thats rather ambitious of me at my present state.

im revamping my cv, with the help of rashido...thnks dude....thnks for the templates and tips...i hope ill land myself a good job soon...and you, are one of them that i will give a treat....oh im really hoping that yusof gives a call to shida....and gives us a job in the middle east......im praying hard every minute...

tumoro is the start of my 'free' days....until esplanade starts getting busy in june.
the school doesnt want my service probably cos the exams are over and they dont need me to be sleeping and earning 65bucks a day....hmm how i wish they employ me as a perm relief...n get paid monthly basis instead of daily rated.....fat hope!

my mind as usual....is like a pressure cooker waiting to explode...when i think too much, this is wat happen...im gonna try to relax...ring the guys and have my dose of ginger tea at alif's...c ya ard peepz....oh connie/ernie/deva pls call me and ask me to work...hehehe.....i need that 14buck per hour......

ive changed

i guess ive change a little....again...my greatest fear when im riding is riding in heavy rain or the wet & slippery road....but somehow last night i just left everything to god...i merely stopped to stuff my hp inside my bag....i was wet already and in my mind was, ar wtf might as well enjoy the shower.....so there i am soaking going at probably 60km/h.....blurred vision & cold.....i reached home only to realise that i once feared riding in the rain as that was the cause of my worst accident. i was amazed at myself, my present attitude.....

yest was definitely a fun night out, though caramella decides to go no more than 60km/h.... shareil, asked us along to see the 'kuda kepang' performance....it was great, i was so glued that even ina noticed.'kusyuk sak sidek...' hehe, i was like a kid, engrossed with the performer of a birthday party something like that.... i kept still whipping out my dg now and then to capture the dance...but a shame i dunno how to shoot movements and make it appear still.....anyway, it was the real stuff that we are watching, where the 'dancers' gets into a trance and do things that normal men wouldn't be able to do...like eating glass, walking on glass and getting whipped every now and then....it was real....and at times frightening....ina said probably she wants to see again nxt wk....NAK IKUT!!!

i made another vespa fren, in the morning...and oh shit i can remember his name, he was latif's fren....cool, now i got 3 vespa buddies in bb. they came to my rescue with a spark plug...thnks guys....i gave latif the fork cover that i was suppose to sell...cos i think he deserved it more than some rich brat out there...hehehe....

went to esplanade to collect my uniform n pass...the foto on my pass was horrible...i look like i just woke up from sleep...

aju changed my contact point and apparently the setting is not right as caramella refuse to go any faster than 60km/h.....sigh....

as i read my previous entry, shareil left a comment.....dude, its just a tot....sometimes ppl need time alone away from everybody for a moment..... for me i dont think so, it was just a tot, at a moment of mental jam.... the tot was sweet..
anyway, i dun think i can do without u guys, i mean u guys are like my theraphy for my sick n overworked mind.....:) rest assured, sid would not disappear and the 3 years was a fucken big mistake...i made a wrong choice.

my body's feverish....i dunno if i wanna go to mimi's wedding...but i do wanna see her in her wedding gown and all......but....im feverish...flu-ish....sigh....

david copperfool

know wat? i feel like i wanna disappear again...this time alone...mebbe not as long as close to 3 years like before.....*poof!

on strike

caramella is on strike AGAIN....oh my god...before her make over she was fine and now a problem after another came up....gee.....why must u too give me headaches? ure my only reliable companion and it seems ure no longer reliable as well.....

in this world SOMETIMES u cant depend on anybody....u cant depend on ur gf(cos sooner or later she'll dump u), u cant depend on ur best frens(cos they have their own stuffs too at times to attend to), u cant depend on ur trusted bike(cos sometimes its overworked or sumthin), u cant depend on ur fav mechanic(cos he's human too n sometimes he overlooked stuffs)....so to make things right, its ur own responsibilty to ensure that things go right....go the way it shouldve been.....

im sorry, again to various peeps just now....although some of u did drive me crazy...but again i shudnt have reacted like a 5 year old child.....i shouldve been mature n kept quite instead of arguing......cos giving my views just makes matters worst..i know that...but i kept doing it.

the 'job agency' for jobs in middle east was disappointing......so u guys shudve guessed the outcome....hope some ppl are happy......

2moro from 1 thing, i got 4 things to do now....
1.go n collect my uniform & id pass at esplanade
2.go over to tong aik & change the spark plugs, IF im not lazy to travel there public
3.rectify the problem with caramella
4.call aju to tow her away if i cant do anything bout it.

that will certainly occupy my day....it seems that wat i want wasnt granted, im unlikely to be working in the middle east & sunday i dun think ill be riding to mimi's wedding.wat to do, like ai said...its written...we're jus part of the 'story'
oh friday was my last day at hillgrove cos the exams are over....sigh...
gotta go peepz....clearing up my mess.....sorry to all out there, and sorry to the peepz at alifs...cant make it today....

dun preach if u cant imagine being me.

im so upset...why do ppl still blame me for my misfortunes? put in more love? love the ppl who hates me? ive been treated like an outcast for heaven's sake....ive been driven out a couple of times....isnt it just normal for me wanting out? of course i love my mom....of course i will miss her....its just the other ppl in the house......

the job opportunity in the middle east probably is the ticket to everything...as in my happiness, my financial state, my freedom....don't u see?.....all they have to do is say u dun think about mom?....of course i do, but wat about me?...why cant i get a word of encouragement instead?....of course these are tests from God, i accept with an open heart but when theres a way out, isnt it just right to go that way?....wouldnt want u to see me smiling? coming back probably every six months....giving mom a treat and some money to survive?....wouldnt u want to recieve fotos from me having a better life down there and not so miserable like down here? i think everyone just loves to see me in a pathetic state so they can always be one step ahead of me and they can make big jokes of me and they can make me as an object of symphathy where they tell frens all out there, kesian sid......isnt it evil to deprive me of my possible happiness? for all i know i might not even get the job... im just trying my luck and already ppl are saying things like i dont spare a tot about my mom.....i think my mom definitely would miss me but she'd be the most happiest mother alive, knowing her son finally left his horrible life down here and is happy somewhere.....i think if i were a mom id feel the same way....im just pissed disappointed that someone i once loved n is so close to me discouraged me like that..
the irony is u urself is applying for an oversea job...so i dont see what ure driving at.....to those who dont know or is ignorant about my life stop pissing me off by saying im thoughtless....i think for others even non family members.....i sacrifice my well-being for frens...i sacrifice my time sometimes so i can help...think about it......im not pissed...so please spare a tot....why ridicule me for wanting to escape from this pathetic state?