")life: colors, rock & roll not included.

Dad.

2011-05-10T13:17:00.002+08:00

I can't believe how I can cry whenever I miss you dear father.......

I never had enough of you when I was younger.......

Just when we were about to get much and much closer, just when I thought I will have more precious times with you, just when I thought you'd see my own family grew.....just when I thought I'd see you hug and kiss your own grandson.....

You had to go.....I am willing but I am not lying I miss you....

Sometimes I wonder if I had done enough when you were around......sometimes I regret not spending the cash I have on a plane ticket to where you are.....

I miss you father.....al-fateha goes out to you 5 times a day, I hope you are well rested. I hope to see you the first thing when I go. I love you.

I want to tell my son, how much I love you and I want him to love me as much as I do love you, if not more.....

I miss you Ali bin Atan.....

For I am just another human being.

2010-12-10T08:32:00.004+08:00

I am sorry if I don't approve of your behaviors. I am sorry if I think that your behavior is disgusting. I am sorry if I decide not to socialize with you even though we have some sort of family ties in the name of safety as forewarned by grandmother. I am sorry if my dreams bother you, my dreams of achieving a better life actually makes you think negatively of me. I am sorry if expressing my thoughts is such a crime even though I had no hurt intent. I am sorry if being me bothers you, then I am sorry that I have to beg of you to leave me alone for what you feel might in turn bother me because that wasn't intended. I am sorry if my thoughts gave you a need and obligation to express your sympathy. I am sorry if you feel that I whine too much and it is so unnecessary for me to feel in such a way. I am sorry though if one day you have to experience what I experienced. I am sorry though one day if God decide to put you in my shoes.

I am sorry I meant no harm to anyone in this whole wide planet. If I do harm anyone, it is purely accidental or in the name of self defence. Even peace loving Gandhi defends himself. Even peace loving Muhammad fights for his rights.

I am sorry for just being me, if you do not like what you read or see, please by all means don't. Thank you very much, I appreciate it, gracias.

5th November

2010-12-08T14:42:00.003+08:00

We made our way to Nenek's place after Subh'. There he lay in the living room, lifeless and still. The memory of his smiles, laughters and jokes were still vivid in my mind. It's like it was just yesterday that we talked, it's like it was just yesterday that I saw him lively and very much alive. It was just like moments ago. The sight at the airport suddenly came back and immediately saddened me, I went out cos that is not what I want to remember but it just wouldn't go away.

I pulled out pieces of paper and my phone as I tried to memorize all prayers that I copied. I regret not having prepared enough even though I got that 'dream' few months back. I did not get the hint, I took it easy. I went in again to say prayers for him, only to discover I fumble at reading the Quran, that's for not reading it regularly and no desperately I read like a kid who was just learning.

My brother, my cousin and myself assisted throughout the funeral, in cleansing up to the burial. That few hours somehow provided me relief, that was the last thing I could do for him, I tried to do it at my best. I wiped his face with love as blood seeped out(cos he vomited blood on the plane). I kissed his forehead before covering him up, that was the final and in many years only kiss for my dad. My brother broke down after his turn, the tears I witheld just flowed out continuosly as I see him in that state. Being his elder brother I tried my best to console him.

When we finally lay him in the pit, lying facing the Qiblah, when I opened the coverings to reveal his face, my heart just sank as I placed some soil on his nose. When I covered him up again, I knew I'd never see him again, perhaps only in photos or in memories which will always be there.

I pray to God everyday from that day, that all his sins will be forgiven and will be put in heaven. InsyahAllah.

My Father, Ali Bin Atan, I want you to know I love you so and I am missing you. you never got the chance to see my new home, to see the arrival of your grandchild next year. Till we meet again Dad.

4th November

2010-12-08T14:27:00.002+08:00

It was 4th November 10+Pm when we arrived at the airport waiting for my Dad and stepmother to arrive. We spent the time waiting talking and joking and little did we expect what was going to happen. We did expect him to be wheeled out to an ambulance if his condition is real bad but we did not expect him to die upon arriving. When I saw he was being wheeled his mouth wide open and looking lifeless, I was speechless. I went to him, I touch his skin, it was cool, the staff told me there's still pulse, I tried but it was very faint, very very faint. A part of me told me he's as good as gone, a part of me was in denial as I took out my phone to call for the ambulance. I started to panic after I realized he was not breathing, I was lost, my nursing skills all just disappear just like that. I called up the SCDF again, "He is not breathing! how long you'll reach here?" The SCDF told me if there is pulse I cannot proceed with CPR, I felt his pulse, very faint at the same time the part of me that is in denial felt it there, as though he is still alive. When the ambulance arrived, he is gone, there is nothing I could do but hope for miracles to happen as I see them preparing the defibrillator and oxygen. Tears start to well up but I tried to stay calm giving the SCDF as much information as possible. In the ambulance, all along the way I was thinking what I could've done and why is this happening.

At the hospital was the most painful moments of my life, watching my father go. The drugs and infusion the emergency staff gave him helped revive him but I can see the fluctuation of his pulse, which is no good. I was shaken, I felt weak but a part of me still not giving up hope yet. It pains me more to see my aunt, my grandma and all in tears, it pains me more to see her pray to God asking Him to save my father at the same time thanking him that He brought back her son although in this condition.

They gave the transfusion shortly, it was already 5th of November, around 1am. His pulse showed 70bpm on the monitor. I know it was temporary but I was in a state of denial, I was relieved for a moment and that was stupid of me because it only pulled me down harder when he finally go. Still in disbelief, I stroked his cold hands as I watched my family cry. I kiss his forehead, I whispered to him in his ear, "Bapak ingat Tuhan, Allahu Akbar, mintak tolong dari dia, jangan give up, lawan..." that was the hopeful final sentences I said to him even though I knew he was already brain dead, I was hoping for miracles. The times I was outside of the e-room was spent praying countless times that God will save him.

The inevitable came at 0212hrs, he was pronounced dead. We went in everyone just cried, everyone felt the loss. As we waited for everything to settle(the paperworks and all) I spent my time alone in the room with him, looking at his face speechless, wondering what he went through on the flight, the pain and all. Remorse also filled me for not being a good son...at the same time, verses from the Quran just went mumbling through my lips in hope that he God will give him a place in heaven and save him from hell-fire.

I went home to change after his body was transported to Nenek's place. I was still in a state of disbelief, I cried at Subh' I Dua' for him in my prayers, tears I could not hold back as I read the verses, my chest aches, my head throbs. My mind was filled with disbelief, regrets and remorse. I already miss him by then. I regret not missing him as much when he was still alive.

Bapa-ku

2010-12-08T14:05:00.003+08:00

His death was a big shock to me, I guess I took for granted that he will still be around for at least in years to come. He lied to us about his health, he never disclosed of what he was suffering from (LIver cancer and Liver chirrosis both caused by Hep B). He said he was fine but he did mention what the Dr. told him. Complacency prompted everyone not to ask questions because he looked fine and was fine and said he was fine already. The regret is there but as a muslim, I believe it is his time, what happened was just a reason for him to pass on but his time was actually written, when and where.

I love him dearly even though most of my childhood was without him but I can't blame him cos my parents divorced when I was only two. I know he loves me, cos occasionally he still did pick me up and spent a whole day with me. That was the time I always treasure and of course the fact that I get to buy an action figure/toys whenever we go out. I can still recall how excited I was when he called up that he wanted to bring me out. I can still remember how I ignored everyone and was left in a world of my own when I got back, at least for that day. The memories still vivid.

As I grew older, I get 'poisoned' by people around me saying he don't care etc. I get angry at their remarks, I even got myself kicked out cos I fought back. Although it did not affect me much but I did wonder if what they say was true. His temper, does not help too, my father like me do get angry at times and did stuffs or say things he shouldn't have a times which he did not mean. I had forgiven him long2 time ago.

One thing I regret, I did not visit him enough, instead I was selfish, I seek my own joy. We were so close, we at Bali, we could have took a domestic plane to visit him at Solo but I never initiated. My leave in November, I spent my time painting my living room and my salary on paints and stuffs where we actually planned to visit but cancelled cos we got a house. When I told my uncle of this on the way back after the burial, tears just flowed out, somehow, I think I am selfish.

Congrats to all 3.

2010-10-25T17:33:00.006+08:00

Congrats to 2 of my friends and a 2nd cousin. Alhamdullilah, my Du'a goes to all the three couple.

motivation

2010-09-30T17:33:00.003+08:00

1.Mitsubishi D5
2.Honda Freed
3.Suzuki APV
4.Toyota Alphard
5.Kia Carnival
6.Proton Exora

Family first. For the first 4 most probably I can only afford a weekend car. Proton Exora not bad either. Need the space, so that the whole family can jalan-jalan. AND if Changi Track starts operating I hope I can fit my supermoto in one of these after collapsing the seats....hehehehehe....

young and dangerous

2010-09-25T23:04:00.000+08:00

Is HE satisfied?

2010-09-21T12:08:00.002+08:00

'Yes it's easy to blame everything on the west,
Well in fact all focus should be on ourselves.' ~ Maher Zain.

It's always easier to blame everyone else, definitely.

shoot!

2010-09-07T11:42:00.003+08:00

shoot! didn't get in, I knew it. Apa nak buat takda rezki. Anyways, the Ep-1 has been giving me joy, was kinda abandoned for sometime, now I am having lotsa fun with it. BTW looking for a 2nd hand wide angle, do let me know if you come across any!

icook not by apple!

2010-09-07T00:13:00.000+08:00

screwed up

2010-09-01T01:38:00.003+08:00

I know I screwed up at work today.....Sigh there goes my chances of getting more recommendations. Oh well I just hope I still have more tiny bit of chance. I think I must really prove myself on the 24th. I must give a good presentation and show them all I know stuffs. What is done, is done, I can only apologize for disappointing my boss who thinks highly of me, who kept wanting to 'groom' me. I better not disappoint him on the 24th.

I already have back up plan however, as always. Put this way, if by next year, I don't have any promotion or progression on anymore nomination for valuable courses like the advance dip, I will have to move on. Still nursing but I wanna think like a family man, I think I wanna work in a 9-5 environment. Probably some outpatient clinic or as an educator at HPB or something, we'll see lah. Then from there, I will have time for a part-time degree and for my family.

All these are just plans, still we never know what the ultimate outcome will be.

Of course there is still dreams of the quite unlikely. Like my every dream of my own boss, like dreams of getting in and winning that ultimate prize, etc, etc. Some might come true or not at all. There's no cost to dreaming and sometimes it can be rather therapeutic and soothing. LoL.

Anyways, I prayed to God for the best. I hope my prayers are answered, InsyahAllah.

shot

2010-08-31T02:40:00.000+08:00

I hope, I do get a shot. I knew I kinda suck at the answers and there were too many applicants but still hoping they like my shots. Some of the applicants were pretty intimidating, turning up with crazy equipments and talking trash, they even claimed they do freelance wedding, etc, etc. Anyyways, I just want the money so that I can bring my wife to somewhere further and I can pay off some loans,

Work- work sucks at the moment! Don't get me wrong, I love my job no doubt but I hate arrogant asswipes, so what if they are ranks higher? It doesn't mean they know eveverything! Still recalled my manager who ridicule me but in the end I bring in the sales. I think you have to stay open to everyones view, listen, consider and most of all treat them with respect. I just hope I'm not like that when I got higher.

Speaking of which my NM says he wants to groom me cos he sees potential. That's good but the assignment is alot of work. I have to teach the whole blk to use the defiblirator. I think it's good, cos I'd be exposed more but then it depends on how I perform and what kind of impression I will leave behind. It takes alot of preparation and I want to do my best! Wish me luck! ;)

Angry Me.

2010-08-23T16:50:00.004+08:00

Dear God, I pray to have more patience in me.

I succumb to anger last week, which I was not proud of. In fact, I am embarrassed, still. I did not react rationally. Although I was merely standing up for my right for the wrongful accusation against me, I knew it was not the thing to do, to raise my voice against my superior. Although I already apologized for my uncalled for reaction and although he apologized for his wrongful accusation against me, things will never be the same. There's still a tinge of embarrassment in me and God knows what he thinks of me already now.

I should have just walked away like I usually do but I had enough. I know raising my voice wasn't the thing to do but I don't know if standing up was the right thing to do. In my opinion, I think it does help things to get better but letting my anger consume me wasn't the way to go. I hope you show him that I didn't mean it, I was just defending my rights, I just try to get the point across for all this while all the rest could do was just ignore him and made him think that he was right. I hope he'd change but at the same time I hope he forgot what had happened as well.

For now, I really hope what my SNM promised me becomes a reality. Advance Diploma next April, I feel both fear, excitement and the same time distrust. I was promised this October but apparently there were many applicants and being the fact that I was only a few days shy of being 2years or more(I guess thats the requirement) at point of application, I had to wait.

Anyways, I just hope that I do get in. When I graduate, I want to request for a 5day week, office hours duty. I'll loose the shift allowances but the increments because of the Advance Diploma and a possible promotion will level everything out. Meaning I'll probably earn just a little lesser or even the same. The reason is I want to spend more time with my wife, family and friends. I realize money isn't everything, although it does make some dreams possible, like racing for instance. :)

Well, it's just thoughts, if I do get normal duties, I can also pursue other stuffs like probably a degree or other courses that could be the source of additional incomes like real-estate for example. Just thoughts.

Whatever it is, it is all in the hands of God. InsyahAllah. I can only try my best and I can only pray that you'd grant. :)

Guide us to the straight path,

2010-08-13T10:50:00.004+08:00

Like many, we tend to get lost a little at times. I just pray that this Ramadan, we'll be guided.

We tend to give in to emotions at times, we tend to loose patience at times, we tend to be angry and retaliate at times. I don't see a point 'fighting' or retaliating if it doesn't hurt me in any ways, I hope I can remind myself that.

I try, I try to forget many of the past, although I have forgiven them, it's hard to forget what they said, what they did to me and us.
This year, I'll try to pick up the courage to take a step forward, there's still a little bit of hate inside of me, if not for him, I'd not be like a nomad, moving here and there, I'd still be living with mom probably. But then again, everything happened for a reason, a thousand and one reasons. I don't know if I can do it but I will try. I don't see a point keeping grudges, even if we can't get along, the least we could do is forgive each other and have a closure.

There's many more things I'd like to say and do and I realize, there's not much time left. Even if I can live till age 60 and above, how strong will I be then? Will I be feeble and weak or still have the strength to be independent? Even if I am still strong and independent, 30years will pass like you never expect it to be. Look at me, I am already 31 and when I look into old photographs, it seems like it was only yesterday that I donned uniforms, that I was riding a scooter, etc, etc.

I hope God give me time to accomplish many things I wish to accomplish and I pray that I have a guided and protected path. Insha'Allah.

Sick!

2010-07-13T14:29:00.001+08:00

Sick bikes....powerful but something I would not get......tooo scary.....

I miss racing.

2010-07-12T09:57:00.003+08:00

311.....I hope that number will appear on the ranking board again. I wanna race again.

If I don't, I will frame up this photo as a memory......:P

speed demon haunting

2010-06-25T01:41:00.002+08:00

a part of me still wants to race. Put on that leather suit and race. But a part of me thinks about the money needed to indulge in the speed demon in me. I know I will race again, when I don't know, probably when I am much more comfortable financially and probably when changi-circuit opens....pasir ris & changi! Bestnye....dekat!

'It's not my fault!'

2010-06-22T09:52:00.002+08:00

Not my fault, not your fault, who's fault then?

It scares me to watch programs that show the earth's destruction. I wonder what kind of world my future generations will be living in. Unless we are smart enough to be able to migrate a neighboring planet like what the aliens did in 'Independence Day' then it's not so worrying but then again an army of aliens might be waiting for us, probably in their minds 'food', LoL.

Anyways, I think it is inevitable. The least we can do is try to slow down its deterioration, as much as possible. I just hope I'd be gone by then or at least humans can come up with something to save the earth like how they come up with luxuries of life, like cars, air-conditioners, etc....I hope.

Octane Dilemma

2010-06-17T10:05:00.002+08:00

Ok, so housing pretty much settled. Career on track, just waiting if I got opportunity to upgrade.

Then a couple of weeks ago, my uncle broke me a news that left me wondering if I should or shouldn't ever since. He is selling his FXDL, his HARLEY for an uncle to nephew price! Its a still given the fact that he service the bike on a regular basis and Zack backs that up as he was a harley owner and a sales-rep at Harley as well.

The thing is I still love the fun supermoto, my DRZ. before this I only thought of upgrading to a bigger cc supermotard but my uncle's offer is so hard to refuse. It is partly, the Harley is a bike I have always wanted. When I was still tiny and grandfather was still around, all the boys in the house rode big ass choppers but all japanese lah...my mother use to give the term 'motor-tayar-gajah'.

It's like fun vs dreambike. hehehehe.

I wish I can have both but then, it'll kill me...hehehe unless I have cash for both. One thing I am afraid is, if I take over my uncles badass, I will miss riding my supermoto. Worse if the changi track is up....I can't track and race.

I am still lost till today, anyways my bike still have got no confirmed buyer.

Well...we'll just wait and see lor.....meanwhile, here is what I might be riding....>>

youtube makes me want the bloody harley.....uggghhh!

Our own.

2010-06-11T10:36:00.003+08:00

Our own home soon....it'll make us and some people a thousand times happier or even more.

Soon....mom can drop by anytime during her off days and just chill. Ayun can go to school from there which is nearer. Mak can come over anytime she wants since it's like a bus ride away only to de-stress or something. If Dad from Indonesia were to come by he can stay over.

When.....we have kids, they can run around the space their mom and dad own. When we come home from work, we don't have to worry about facing/disturbing other people in the house. When we are hungry we can whip up a simple meal anytime over our stoves. When our laundry bag is full, we are free to do our laundry and not wait for the washing machine to be empty. We can stuff our own fridge with loads of Ben&Jerrie's and everything else we like. We can watch the channels of our choice on tv and not have to bear listening to super loud irritating keronchong late into the night. We can laze around anytime we like, move freely and not feel worried that people might label us.

I......I can walk around in my boxers only....LoL. I can maybe keep my classic prized vespa(if I get one) in my own space. I can paint with whatever colors I like. I can come home whatever time I please. I don't have to hear to sarcasms. I can show 'em the middle finger that WE can do it and it only takes time and WE don't freaking need your lousy shelter that house hypocrites and more.

I am glad we are finally free....I am glad my wife have faith in me. I am glad we did it. Now it's just proper financial planning and planning in general. Now we need to plan the future for our kids.....and retirement.

Meanwhile, what's next? Probably a much needed class3 and a car that I like? When? When we have the means of course. :)

Praying hard for that promotion and place for advance dip. It'll mean a stepping stone for me to go further or anywhere else if I decide not to stay put. We'll see how when the time comes.

Till then, wish me luck guys. :)

Thanks for the support Ain, mom, Mak, my uncle and of course my friends. Love ya guys...

got to got to

2010-06-08T09:44:00.002+08:00

gotta continue running, keep my legs, heart and mind strong.
gotta watch my diet, loose some pounds so i can feel alot lighter and skate again..hehehe
gotta keep on saving and saving...
gotta keep myself busy at work, so i can climb higher...
gotta keep on dreaming, so one day it'll all be a reality like what I did before and always.
gotta keep on being optimistic, gotta keep the faith.

InsyahAllah.....Alhamdullilah for those stuffs that you have given/granted us.

for now, i just feel like skating but weak knees and 84kg is a no-no....

fight fire with fire.

2010-06-05T18:58:00.000+08:00

"....an eye....for an eye...."

ACDC

2010-05-25T15:56:00.002+08:00

ACDC is motivational.

Anyways, I thought I am rather unlucky at times but actually I am. Very. On top of my wonderful wife. I am blessed with choices. Although our journey had bumps here and there but we got to choose, we got to leave.

For now, I am just hoping for that promotion so that I'll get an increment cos the dough is more important than the decor.
I am hoping for that unit. And I am hoping to get chosen to go for advance dip cos that's like a stepping stone to be an educator or home nurse and go on 5day, office hours duty.

I am planning for the future, well actually I have already planned but I didn't know that the plans have to go so slow when executed. In the planning stage, it seemed so easy but I guess reality hit me and was a little disappointed but in actual fact it is still ongoing, it never failed.

Thanks wifey for keeping me in track, I realize I can be weak at times.

Anyways, whatever it is, we have tried, that's most important. The rest we leave it to God to decide.

destined

2010-05-24T11:32:00.002+08:00

i think im destined to sail on rocky waters, till when i reach my destination? idk.

2010-05-07T10:19:00.001+08:00

Back in black
I hit the sack
I've been too long I'm glad to be back
Yes, I'm let loose
From the noose
That's kept me hanging about
I've been looking at the sky
'Cause it's gettin' me high
Forget the hearse 'cause I never die
I got nine lives
Cat's eyes
Abusin' every one of them and running wild

CHORUS:
'Cause I'm back
Yes, I'm back
Well, I'm back
Yes, I'm back
Well, I'm back, back
(Well) I'm back in black
Yes, I'm back in black

Back in the back
Of a Cadillac
Number one with a bullet, I'm a power pack
Yes, I'm in a bang
With a gang
They've got to catch me if they want me to hang
Cause I'm back on the track
And I'm beatin' the flak
Nobody's gonna get me on another rap
Don't look at me now
I'm just makin' my play
Don't try to push your luck, just get out of my way

CHORUS

Well, I'm back, Yes I'm back
Well, I'm back, Yes I'm back
Well, I'm back, back
Well I'm back in black
Yes I'm back in black

hooo yeah
Ohh yeah
Yes I am
Oooh yeah, yeah Oh yeah
Back in now
Well I'm back, I'm back
Back, I'm back
Back, I'm back
Back, I'm back
Back, I'm back
Back
Back in black
Yes I'm back in black
Out of the sight!

Sad

2010-05-07T09:28:00.002+08:00

No doubt I'm hurt. A minute ago, I was about to give in to my emotions, sadness and all BUT then again I realized I have been thru worse and I pulled through. I realized my strength and like vacuum, my tear ducts sucked in all those tears and in the bottom of my heart goes 'so what!'.

I think it's God's way of testing me or his way of making me realizing my strengths or his way of punishing me for my deeds last time. I don't know, only HE knows.

Along the way home, my brain runs like the noise on my Suzuki, it ran through a flight of thoughts and ideas. It's like on nitro.
Many things coming up, I know it'll be tough but I bet I can do it with the support of my love Nurain. Plans will still be carried on, dreams still lives.

Eh budak!

2010-05-07T00:54:00.002+08:00

Eh budak, seblom kau cakap kau selidik dulu boleh? Kalau senang sangat dapat rumah ingat aku nak duduk dengan nenek kau yng merepek, suka sindir2 orang, bila friday night nengok keroncong sampai pagi tak ingat dunia, tak ingat mati? Pikir lah babe.

If getting a flat is so simple, I would've move out already.

I don't need your help, I never asked, you offered. If you never offer, I would've still be staying in Teck Whye Lane but then, everything happened for a reason, like my wife said. Else, probably I wouldn't be close with Ain and who knows even not ending up together. So thanks hor on that part. Other than that, please use your brain or at least read the papers and keep yourself updated cos even if you don't trust me, you can trust Straits Times right? Go ahead trust your demented, psychotic, altered mental state granny for all you care. Cos come Sunday bye2.....although it meant me forking out $600 per month, I'd rather be paying that than paying bills for someone who diss my wife, cos they'd be drinking the water from what I paid, my hard earned money. No blood and tears lah, don't bedek lah ......

I am so tempted to paste the post that I saved over here but anyways you posting it on facebook was public enough and hey just showed that you are an angel with the brains of a 3 year old. LoL

Gnite peeps. You want trouble? I can give you trouble, my pleasure.

Check, Check it out

2010-05-03T12:43:00.007+08:00

For those still into skateboarding, no matter whether you still skate or not, here's a link whereby it'll be a one stop place covering all about skateboarding, in Singapore mainly and throughout the region and also elsewhere around the globe. I feel it's great for those who's lazy to surf through the wide web. Cos TFM will get you all the scoops you wanna know bout skateboarding. For those who still have skateboarding within their souls, check out>>>

I want to break free

2010-04-26T09:25:00.002+08:00

God knows I want to break free....
Even if it meant paying a rent amounting of up to $400 more.
I'd rather be out of this hell hole.....
I only wish I hadn't move out of Teck Whye....

If you get pleasure by being a nosey fucker and spreading untrue gossips 'bout my wife or me, may you hot in hell. May you rot further for all the backstabbing.

I Vow

2010-04-20T12:45:00.000+08:00

U mess with my wife, u mess with me. Period.

Updates

2010-04-15T13:15:00.002+08:00

Life, same ol same ol....

Still hoping to get a flat very very soon.....some ppl dissed me, if you were not that old, I would've told you off, she's my wife after all, you diss her, you diss me too. You're lucky, very very lucky. Cos I rarely keep it inside and pretend nothing happened. I find solutions, I confront, I get things solved or resolved but that too depends on the other party.

Anyways Mr.Assistant Director called in most of us yesterday for the pay adjustment thingy. Well, not much change, took away one allowance, increment a little to level out. Just hoping July's increment will be better. Promising talk with MR.ADN though, he said MOST PROBABLY I'd be in for a promotion, 1 up and next batch of advance diploma. Sounds good, he tell me to think, plan and decide by mid-May what I wanna do in IMH, what are my plans and give him a call, degree or advance diploma.

Pros & Cons....
Degree, I have to fork out 50% which I think I need the money more for my new life, maybe new flat eh? And what's more, part time degree a little scary..
So I think, I'll opt for the Advance Diploma, since its full time 8mth course. Although I rugi a little on all allowances but then, I can concentrate more and weekends super free.....woots!

Looking forward, looking forward.....wish me luck peeps...

Back to reality

2010-03-31T11:13:00.003+08:00

After the Bali break, finally back to reality....work...

A friend told me something like why I didn't grab the opportunity to do what he did but looking at my friends whom had no time for anything else. I'd rather not, I'd want to earn more but not at the expense of sacrificing time with my love ones. I know that's tough to do but I am sure I can, just need the right time and luck.

So far I made $50 in total from my ebay-trade. It's minimal and tiny as compared as to years ago where I make $300-400 per month. Motorcycle accessories are slower to go and tougher on the capital. I am still waiting from my fren to go to china to check out some stuffs. If it's worth taking the risk, I might just jump into it.

I tried to be more positive at the slow sale. I view it as more of a savings account. Example, I bought an item at $240 to be sold, I view it as saving $240 and when I manage to sell it, I get to withdraw it with an interest. And I buy things that I can use, so if it really is not able to sell, I can use it for myself.

Yes, I know I am a little ambitious and small scale isn't going to earn me much. I think I will consult my mechanic friend end of the year if time is right, if I can put the products I bring in at his workshop. Also a flat of my own would help so that I can store some of my products in a vacant room.

I am also thinking of bringing in shoes and clothings but that will have to wait.

The tour guide on our back home said something inspiring, something like if we think we can, we will. I also remembered this saying 'if it's worth doing, then it is worth doing it well'. I just saw my friend's fb acct, with the orders he get from printing stickers 7bikes, 7cars. that's pretty good for an individual part-time business. I regret not continuing doing it, cos partly I had troubles with doing the template. Anyways that line now has alot of competition, unless you stand out from the rest, then its worth venturing again. Plus that requires time, space, patience and practice. Even if I wanna venture in that again, I have to wait till I have my own home.

I just have dreams, dreams of retiring away from Singapore......Malacca, Solo-indonesia or anywhere else.....

Drool....drool.....

2010-03-24T16:03:00.007+08:00

Hullo

2010-03-23T16:37:00.003+08:00

Good afternoon blogger...

It's been awhile since I post something here time flies eh?

I'm down with upper respiratory tract infection, my tonsils were swollen with spots on it....urggh...must be the snacks. On antibiotics and getting better, 2 days medical leave. Sometimes you just need to get away from work. I love my work you know, sometimes I bring light to the patients, I get satisfaction when I make them happy knowing that they are abandoned and unwanted by society. Some of them when they discharge, they get shunned upon, family and society refuse to give them anymore chances at life. They refuse to understand their condition is chronic and lifelong and family support is super important.

Like me, I am glad I have all the support I need, from my wife, my parents, my relatives, my family, my friends whom are very understanding, my subordinates, my colleagues......Although I can't deny there's some whose against me but hey I got no time for them either. Sometimes we just have to see that we are very fortunate as compared to some others out there. Right?

Friday, we'll be flying to Bali.....wooohooo...
I love traveling and I hope November will be a reality, I really wanna go somewhere further. I can't wait for this Friday and November.

My life, still much more to achieve.....
A flat of my own, Car(&license of course) and stability.
And I wanna start planning my retirement plan, I still haven't decide if I should retire here or elsewhere. Cos I wouldn't want to work once I retire. I can see that the living expenses here is rather high and I might have to work in my old age if I do not have enough savings. I've considered Malacca(since I have relatives there) or Solo-Indonesia(since Dad is there) or maybe elsewhere where my relatives are but I still prefer asia.

I stumble across a seller (of a flat) that was quite promising, I might just have my own flat pretty soon. Wish me luck guys. Although its in an area that is rather foreign to me but hey its not really far from everybody. It's abit further from the in-laws but nearer to work and nearer to mom and frens in the west. I hope for the best. I hope I am lucky this time round.

Work...
I hope I get what I think I will get...praying hard and thanks all for having faith in me.
I also hope I get that Advance-Diploma place.

Trading

2010-02-26T11:37:00.002+08:00

I have kicked out trading....woots....

Will try vpost next time round, I'm going to sell the set I am purchasing to fund for my own...woots!

free to decide?

2010-02-23T14:59:00.002+08:00

Free? My ass...

Not when you are tied down 'cos of circumstances and consequences.
Not when it meant that it could jeopardize your career path.
Not when money comes in between your decision making.
Not when, your decision to way of life is frowned upon cos of the couple of black sheep.
Not when people still stereotype.
Not when discrimination still exist though much more subtle and 'unseen'

Many factors made us less free to decide. And I guess some of you out there are feeling it too...

additional plus

2010-02-22T09:44:00.004+08:00

I think I wanna start doing part-time stuffs again....

-In around 2002-2004, part of my additional income came from trading on ebay, I buy and sell parts, clothes, accessories, helmets and almost anything to do with vespa. I made quite a fair share, if I remembered correctly close to $400-500 a month. That's good nuff back then and I wasn't fully aggressive, if I did, I think I can do better.

-In 2005 I did MLM for elken but I didn't have the supportive network, so I kinda slowly come to a halt...

-In 2007, I printed t-shirts and tried selling them off, some were sold at sheikh's skate store but guess they don't support new labels much.

-Same year towards 2008, I started trading cameras, get good deals online and sell back at small profit, I also brought in stuffs from Hongkong and managed to sell them off for some profit that made it possible for me to indulge in my hobby back then.

-In 2008 I joined LFI but my new job keeps me too busy and working shifts doesn't help but I think I will go back to trying the products first, then slowly market it within my networks.

-also 2008, tried selling graffiti products got from KL and Japan but got poor response, so stopped.

-Same year, supermoto craze was in, managed to make a couple of extra bucks, trading supermoto related items. But all the earnings went to additional spares that I needed...hehehe...

Now, I am looking at other avenues of additional income that requires the least time so that I don't have to sacrifice my time with my family and of course my lovely friends. Money is not everything you know, I have a dream but then if it meant being away from everyone I love then its not worth it. Just watched Afdlin's 'Papadom'....I don't want to be like him. If you can give your family everything but you are never around, what's the point?

dreams

2010-02-11T02:13:00.004+08:00

There's still many of my dreams that i have yet to make a reality or even start working on it. For some of them I don't know how to even start, I don't even have a clue. For some, it's the time and cost factor and maybe a little fear-factor.

I just hope I'd be guided a little a long the way. I know I am able to achieve some of them, it's onlya matter of time.

I also feel that I need to give back a little, I am considered fortunate enough as compared to many less fortunate souls out there. Even that littlest things like parting with the loose change in your pocket means alot. I feel that's part of the purpose in life as humans, to help out when we can within our means.

I also pray for those engulfed with 'evil' in their own little box. May they be forgiven and steer back to the less 'evil' route. One day I am sure they will realise their wrong-doings.

I feel that till this date, I am still misunderstood but I don't care anymore cos' I know at least my love ones knows who I am, why I do stuffs a certain way and what my real plans are.

Everybody wants the best for themselves and the people they love but sometimes all those won't come immediately. Not everyone is as fortunate.

As Haji Rawi once told me:
'if you have a car, look at those who have to brave the sun and rain on their motorbikes. And if you own a motorbike look at those who have to cycle to work. And if you have a bicycle, look at those who have to walk.'
His words reminded me to be thankful and not to frown upon what we cannot get and not to look down on others.

Undead Hobbies

2010-02-02T12:29:00.003+08:00

Watching skate-podcasts just makes me wanna skate again....that brings me to the flab....I don't think I can skate with this amount of flab and the race-suit that's hanging by the wall, I don't even know if I can fit in those. More runs, yeah more runs....cos I wanna skate as well as race again......so heratnor, get ur knee to recover fast! and changi tracks c'mmon speed up the construction....

I am glad though my wife enjoys running as much as me, so far we ran twice short runs as a married couple, this Sunday yeah? Let's seen how far we can run after 2months of being inactive preparing for our wedding back then. Let's hit that 10km again and hopefully adidas sundown? halfy? I think we can do it...:)

I can't wait till november, a proper trip. Destination? Have yet to be confirmed cos it all depends on whether or not we got a flat by then cos if we do, I'd be guessing we need loads of dough for the flat.

Anyhoos, gotta go....

Dear wifey, love ya always.....love me too aight?

jumpin & jivin

2010-01-27T12:29:00.006+08:00

let's jump to our future ahead....

love your shots rashid & eulyn. thnks.

You Already Did...

2010-01-27T11:29:00.003+08:00

You already did love me so much even before we got together. Yesterday was when I realize the zoo-york you bought me actually cost that much. You shouldn't have seriously, but hey I appreciate it. Thanks love. I know you already love me when you got me my birthday presents in 2008(yes I got 3 presents) but I did not know one of them cost that much. I know it's not cheap but I did not expect it to cost so much, no wonder I don't see anyone else wearing it...hehehe...

Anyways, I am glad I am very much accepted into the family. Although I must say, I am still a little shy. It starts all over again, in this chapter of my life, trying to adapt to a new family. First one was when I decided to go on my own and stay with Bird, his mom accepted me as part of the family(I should pay her a visit one day). Where in the world can you get a landlord who says the rent is 'ikhlas'? Then after my cousin offered me a place in his then empty flat, again I had to adapt to a new family, my cousin's that is. Then when his grandparents move in, I again tried to adapt living with them.
Now my in laws....

I am glad however in all, they accepted me, without a problem. I pray for them, their health and well-being, InsyahAllah God will grant my 'Doa' for these wonderful beings.

Although I am not blessed with a perfect family, with a perfect life, I think I am one of the most luckiest dude on earth. Everywhere I go, somehow there's welcoming hands to offer me some assistance in one way or another to make my life more pleasant. Alhamdulillah.......

I am thankful but I do want better, so right now, I am really hoping for good news come July and I really hope they'd send me for that advance dip. It's almost 2years now in IMH, time flies. Thank god for this job, the stability, the pay, the benefits, it's actually more than I expected. Although in Singapore context it's nothing much but at least it's comfortable enough for daily average living.

I am now really really really hoping for my own flat. I hope the coming HDB sales we will end up with a flat. It doesn't matter if it's not perfect, we just need our own shelter.

I love my life now....

Success

2010-01-22T16:00:00.001+08:00

Congrats you have succeeded. Kudos. Adios.

Deliberate?

2010-01-22T07:59:00.003+08:00

I am not happy. I hope it was not done deliberately, if it was, screw you no matter how much I respect you.

Even if it is not, I already am starting house hunting, I spent about 2 hours of my night shift reading through housing issues and something new sounds good to me, we now can get 3-room flats(provided if its from a mature estate) if I interpret correctly, the combined household ceiling income for 3 rooms is 8k. That's pretty good news cos now we don't need a 4rm flat, we just need a place of our own, even if we have kids, it'll be perfect, the kids will be 5years old at least before we are allowed to move, just nice. The issue is if there's a boy and a girl and when they reach puberty, we need to separate them, that's the main issue as a muslim. So for the time being I'd make do with a 3rm flat. It ain't so bad, at least I know my wife wouldn't mind. Anyways it'll be much more comfortable on the payment side, at least it won't totally wipe out off our cpf, at least we got spare maybe for investments or hospital claims, etc...

I am going DIY, if it's too troublesome, I'd seek my friend's help.

My entry yesterday had something about spare a thought for others, clearly nuff some people don't probably cos they don't understand our situation, yes we are menumpang if that's any clearer.

lonely

2010-01-21T17:25:00.004+08:00

It's weird maybe its because we just got married.

Today, I know how you felt when I had to go to work and you were all alone at home, lonely, that's how you felt. It's ok if I am on morning shift cos before you know it I'll be home but if I am on PM shift or night shift, I think it'd feel like ages. That's how I am feeling today as I am resting at home waiting for my next night shift, you are away at work from 9 to 6pm and to make things worst, I don't even get to see you for 2 hours like yesterday. But at least I got to see you for about an hour this morning....

Anyways, I am so looking forward to our trips we plan this year. I just hope we be able to make it financially and a flat from HDB would certainly help. Cos for one huge reason, we don't have to fork up any cash, even if we have to it'd be minute as to compared the tens of thousands the open market asking for. And with our own home too, we'd be having much more privacy and can pretty much do whatever we want and not confined to just this tiny room of ours.

I am sorry too, my friends that I can't tag along for the April trip, I very much want to tag but many factors stop me from doing so. I guess it's kinda blessing. The main reason was the pinoys, it's Good Friday, so priority goes to them when it comes to leave.
And the factor is of course, I am saving up for many things to come including our much awaited trip in November, location have yet to be confirmed cos it all depends on the budget and if anything crops up, like the flat. And of course the blessing is, I need not leave my poor wife all lonely, cos from 5th onwards I'd be doing my national service for a week, If I go for the trip, poor thing she'd not be seeing me for a good 2 weeks.

Now I understand how tough my friends had to choose between family and friends, so I guess you singles or those ignorant can self-reflect or spare a thought when we as husband and wife have plans sometimes. Although we are married, that does not mean our life stops there and furthermore for people like me on shifts, time together sometimes are hard to come by. So just spare a little thought kay?

Speaking of which our plans last Tuesday had to be changed a little for many reason. Partly I wasn't feeling too good and secondly my Yai is in High-dependency in NUH. Of course my Yai is my priority, I only wish I have the means to look after him. It pains me to see him in such a condition, I hope there'll be some justice if what he said is true and not only came from the 'confused' him. If what he said is true, I hope there'd be some justice, the 'inhuman' part of me just want 'an eye for an eye' but the civilized me just pray that they'd realize what they had done was wrong. I hope my Yai will be better taken care of after he leave NUH. I think a nursing home is a better place for him cos at least he's taken care of 24/7 and by paid professionals not by half-willing individuals or unskilled maids.

I just hope when I grow old that wouldn't be my fate. Ain told me, 'treat your children like how you want them to treat you', well that can be true but that can be otherwise too cos I still believe in the saying 'spare the rod, spoil the child'. I'd love my kids no doubt but discipline is discipline, the old skool way.

I am still disturbed by issues around me, I just hope some parties wake up. I know I shouldn't say alot but then I am starting to dislike some people here and sad to say they are my family.

I pity those who have to shoulder their burden and responsibilities.
I pity those who have to suffer for them.
I pity those who receive sufferings from them.
It angers me to learn what they have done.

The above 4 sentences applies to various around me, it's kinda private to say who they are cos after all they are family but then please lah wake up. InsyahAllah one day they will, I pray to God. I am unhappy but yes I am helpless cos theres nothing I can do or able to do. I just hope things will be better.

For those with rosy-near-perfect life, please spare a thought for those with many imperfections. Like the pakcik at work told me, 'if you have a bicycle, look at those who have to walk and think how fortunate you are'. Thinking this way. makes us thankful for what we have and makes us understands the not so easy life others might have and also makes us more careful with our own.

Spare a thought be thoughtful, it's not all about fun and accomplishing your 'cool' life and concerns only, when others unable to, think why before letting your anger sets in and then negatively think about them. Likewise with views, we come from different backgrounds, when one is against some stuff, they have their reasons but if you are along the same line, go ahead.

InsyahAllah

2010-01-20T17:47:00.002+08:00

...may justice be served yai....

My twilight galaxy

2010-01-20T10:18:00.002+08:00

Did they tell you, you should grow up when you wanted to dream?
Did they warn you, better shape up if you wanna succeed?

Well, I don't care really what they say, although I'd be lying if I said it doesn't affect me one bit. But hell yeah, I did things the way I am. I didn't fall into the mould, I did once and I headed nowhere. Engineering my balls. I should've went ahead with my dreams of doodling but now thats a tat too late to do so. So I chosen a different path but this time my own. I did things the way I wanted.

Now, I'm on this with my soulmate and it's only fair we steer this together. It's great enough that she's the most understanding person on earth next to mom. She would evaluate and assess and then give a go-ahead if there's nothing wrong with what I wanna do or give a constructive comment otherwise.

I'm 30 already going on 31 and I still have dreams, my life doesn't stop at having a family and a stable job, I wanna push myself, my own way. The thing is, sometimes I need to focus a little more, I know I can do it, just need a little more focus.

I can't wait to get my own flat, and pretty much settle everything on the 'family' aspect. I wanna settle this quick so I can further my studies and hopefully with more private hospitals coming up, I have more opportunities if my future where I am at seem bleak. By then I guess I would have at least 5years of experience. I am still not leaving out the overseas opportunities options but then, things happening down here kinda part of the factor that kills the keen factor. Like mostly family issues.....I am on a mission to save the weak and bullied, I think I can do something about it or at least contribute.

Life is alot more complex than just earning your meals and to entertain yourself when you are feeling down or much needed it.
If you are just concerned about that, I guess you are pretty much indifferent from the patients I face everyday. It's easy when everything's perfect without conflicts and all. Mine, I grew up with lots of it.

I'm just glad that life seems much better, the future too seems much more promising. I just hope everything falls into place, like the flat and the degree. And hopefully after that, little ones....insyahAllah.....

Towards Forever

2010-01-19T05:55:00.002+08:00

U have no say!

2010-01-12T12:01:00.002+08:00

While printing the wedding fotos for dad, I realized...
No matter what, you're still my dad. If not for you, I'd not be here or even exist.
Blood ties can never be severed.

Thanks for coming all the way from Solo-Indonesia. I appreciate it pak. I'll come visit you someday if time and finances permits. Love you...

Single no more.

2010-01-12T11:32:00.004+08:00

You're the one, indeed.
I love you to the core.
Nuff said, the rest is self-explanatory.

You're my side-kick in the journey we had already embarked on...

Surreal

2009-12-31T08:36:00.002+08:00

I couldn't believe it I am finally settling down.

I couldn't believe in I am finally listening to someone with none or the littlest doubt, that is my lovely wife to be, Nurain.

By nature, I am very very stubborn, I usually would want it my way but this time round I guess I've changed a little.

I guess marriage is much more than just love...it's a life long 'contract' and commitment. It's taking a vow to stand by the one you love for the rest of your life. I envy some couples I witness, even through thick and thin, even though the other half is a little dysfunctional he still stood by her. Respect to that, I guess the undying hope he puts on his other half.

2 more days, frankly, not boasting but very few things gives me fear and gosh this is one of them...It's nothing compared to getting stitches, going to the OT many times, breaking your finger, crashing and loosing consciousness, being left alone with the supernatural, an attacking psychiatric patient....LoL ok I can go on and on...you get the picture...the fear is however subtle, it doesn't get you but it lingers...it's like a thin-line between fear and worry, I'd rather a fear that stares you straight in the eye than one that lingers around and plays hide and seek with you....

Anyways, wish me luck guys and thanks a million to pals and family for the support. Love y'all. Only God knows how appreciative I am of you guys. Hey beneath the blatant guy I am, I do have emotions you know and to some of ya, you guys don't know me yet.

Taaaa......

feel honored

2009-12-29T16:22:00.002+08:00

i feel honored come saturday.....

my late grandpa's brother coming down from malacca.

my cousins from JB coming down...

my step-sister from Jakarta coming down...

and of course Ibu' Yanti and Dad from Solo-Indonesia...

for my wedding day....All Hail the KING! LoL!

.

2009-12-29T08:39:00.000+08:00

No matter...

2009-12-26T07:25:00.002+08:00

No matter how many times I profess how much I love you,
No matter how I confessed how I kept thinking about you when we're apart...

All doesn't matter cos frankly I don't know how to describe this feeling that is so strong, that I never felt before.

A commitment I took, without the littlest fear, I went straight to ask for your hand. So sure I was, that what others said, others think doesn't even matter cos yes, like what you said before what matters most is what we know what's in our heart, mind and soul.

To the interferences, funny but I would like to say thanks cos at the end of the day, I long for her more each day. I can't wait for the day whereby we'd have no barriers of being together everyday, whereby external parties have no say about our relationship, whereby the ties are tied with a dead knot.

And because of you too, I realized that some things are not worth fighting and now my task is to fight for you for I will take the vow to protect thee, to make sure of your well being, to make sure you are away from harm, loved, have food to eat, have a roof over our heads while we sleep, have clothes to change and many more.

For I was prepared to take all these responsibilities, I should just ditch all the toils of fighting for the truth, pride and rights for it doesn't matter if it doesn't kill me for God knows best and you my love, you understand me most and nobody else can and I hope you will continue understanding me.

I hope we will guide each other in the journey we will embark together, I hope you will steer this vessel we will be on if I am reckless enough to go the wrong way. We have equal rights in this, we will share this path and it is only right we will have equal control like we always have.

I still remember the times when you defended me, you fight for me in a subtle way.
I still remember when you pick me up, when you console me like you are comforting a child.
I still remember when you tried to calm me down, your touch calms the savage beast within me waiting to be released to defend and fight.
I still remember that look of yours.
Continue what we had love, what we always had.

I love you, like I said, words are only words, only God knows how I feel about you, what goes through my mind, how my heart delays a beat whenever I look into your eyes, whenever I held your hand.

Thank you love for being with me and soon we'll be tied to be together forever, InsyahAllah.

Are we human?

2009-12-25T17:05:00.001+08:00

Are we human or are we dancers?
Merely dancing along to the sounds that came from the 'speakers'.

ol skool!

2009-12-25T00:54:00.000+08:00

no more for i speak my mind.

wrong bus home #2

2009-12-25T00:24:00.002+08:00

this is the 2nd time i took the wrong bus home....maklumla slalu brar brur naik moto(mom likes to say that).

anyways, on top of the extra exercise i get(which i always needed) it also give me some 'me-time' and sometimes that means self reflection or time to think about what people had said to me. well, for today....i think what ain said was right, why bother what others think about? whats most important is we know ourselves whats happening and we saw, not a pair of eyes in fact 2 pairs plus a pair of specs...LoL...anyways yeah she's right, i got more things to worry about, more important things...heh :) that will probably bring us to the next entry which i will only start tomorrow! cos today i need some sleep cos tumoro morning shift and i wanna see cute yaqyn for the first time, kesian besok kene cukur rambut...hehehehe....tataaa people....

the truth is....

2009-12-22T19:00:00.001+08:00

I'm Yours

2009-12-21T08:35:00.003+08:00

I love you with all my life. I want to say it out to the world thru this entry. I never knew I'd be this 'mushy' before with the toughie me I try to uphold always. Life has always been a fight for me but with you around, I am much more mellow.

When I found you, I just knew it and I did not hesitate. As time passes on, through many hurdles we skipped, tears shed, laughter filled the air, almost all emotions we had with each other and still we are strong like superglue. We are just simply stitched together and I bet nobody can remove this stitch which had already grown into the flesh.

Sometimes situations shook us, test us and drive us to the ground but we pull each other up. It's either you or me, we share equal tasks of saving ourselves, nobody and really nobody can come between us. How close or how hard they tried, we both came to our senses and realized, we were made for each other.

God made me wait almost decade since I discovered love to finally find you my real love. It's well worth it and the effort I never complained.

I gotta thank God(Alla s.w.t) on top of all and the people around us who helped make it happen and the people who tried to break and create havoc as well cos in fact you guys made us stronger. All is forgiven, all is forgotten.

I wanna start 2010 afresh, no sadness, no negativity, working to a better life. Help me through this God, Help me through this love, Help me through this friends(& family).

Love to all.Peace!

Been Awhile

2009-12-10T07:19:00.003+08:00

Been awhile since there's an entry. Busy la, what to do...hehehe. Well not really busy just that the amounting anxiety and stress.

But hey there's some promising news coming up, I thought it'll be quite a some if the rumors are true but hey with my wish list and the upcoming wedding, it's not much already and plus there's Fathi's and (future)Mother-in-law's birthday. Gotta get something, one of course is my brother whom is having not a splendid childhood but of course better than mine and the other the one who takes me as the son-in-law with open arms. A small gift would just be right as a sign of appreciation and love.

I will resist to prevent my desires(wants) consume me, else I will definitely splurge.

I thought of getting my siblings a pc but I will wait till the confirmed news is out. If it is true, MAYBE I'll be getting them a pc, so Fathi's birthday present is pretty much covered BUT if I cannot afford that, probably just a makan session and then shop for his hp.

I also have to remember to put aside to pay for the balance hidden costs for the wedding, like photography, car, sound system. That alone amounts to 1k. Can you believe it? And I have to also bear in mind the 'honeymoon' trip and expenses for January.

Heheh it's pretty scary in fact....I think I can manage but I have to really put aside all the wants....LoL and not forgetting, tires and engine oil need a change soon....

And I almost forgot, I still haven't got my last outfit! LoL....

thoughts

2009-12-04T10:58:00.003+08:00

~'I welcome my enemies as I welcome my friends but pardon me when I have to take a stand'

I don't bite, unless you do, I am not hostile unless you are.

And thanks I am learning from you, so pardon me, I am just what you want me to be. Don't blame me.

:)

Freedom

2009-11-25T01:46:00.002+08:00

I believe in rights or rather the freedom to choose, because of that, I will compromise and because of that I will also not complain of some of the negativity that lingers. Because everyone have their own right/freedom to do/think what ever they want.

sweet chick sinatra

2009-11-24T16:31:00.001+08:00

Mamat posing gigi

2009-11-24T16:15:00.000+08:00

Nasib baik lagu lu best dan gigi lu puteh melepak!

Surfs up

2009-11-19T23:36:00.002+08:00

Was about to go channel surfing as I beat my own rule(no rice after 7pm), then the grandparents(cousins' grandparents) came home...they went out for a walk. I respect that old man for still loving his wife so dearly, going for walks, pushing her wheelchair quite frequently....almost daily.

The wife went to bed and he decided to join me, the sinetron ended and I just let him have the remote and let him watch whatever he wants. He switches on to 'forum perdana'... I shan't bore you with details but the jizz of it is: 'be thankful with what you have, 'bersyukur' in other words but that doesn't mean you stop trying right? Just that what you couldn't have, what's beyond your reach, don't fret over it.

Then after it ended, as usual...I admit I am a facebook addict partly cos my pals always post interest videos or links which of course ultimately lead me to youtube surfing. Today Jai posted a video of a one handed fmx rider. Respect goes to that guy, his determination and will power, remarkable. Clearly shows, where there's a will, there's a way. Just like the example the Prof. gave in 'forum perdana', why did the man goes fishing when he very well knows its easier to get at the market? because of love, he's willing to go through all the trouble and be patient, waiting the whole night and sometimes he even goes home without any fish and yet still he comes back another day with his rod.

I just dislike(I wanted to use 'hate') when the runny nose season is in! There's a period of time when my histamines are hyperactive...I'd go sneezing and dripping at the slightest exposure to dust or cold....Is it because I don't have a proper balance diet or that multi-vits is not as good as one I previously took(centrum). IDK. I just hope to be a 100% again, so that I can further train my endurance and my goals for 2010! I just hope when I am back, the lazy bug haven't set in yet....hahahaha

Ok la wanna watch a dvd till I get sleepy.....Gnite peeps.

P.S. don't stress yourself out over nothing.

Changes

2009-11-18T23:45:00.003+08:00

Everybody change, no doubt about it, in a way or another. Sometimes its just sad that people change because of what they hear and not change because of what they internally feel or know but chose to hear it blindly without investigating. What to do, they chose that way, so like it or not I accept it(the change) and adapt to it. We can't expect everybody to remain the same all his life right? Some change for the better, some get influenced, some get worse. It'll take time for them to realize, like some of my relatives for instance which I shan't mention. Then again, I believe in God, the one and only and I believe still there is justice whether now or 'later'.

It's just that in this world now, sometimes its as though we have to put on bullet-proof jackets backwards. If you get the drift. At work, I don't know why this fellow is attempting to do so and create havoc amongst us colleagues, I don't see his purpose and I think he's just confused just like the first fellow(ouh he didn't create havoc but i feel he is confused) I mentioned. Or maybe he is overwhelmed with new information and get influenced by it without investigating. I know this fellow at work is good at heart but its just that his actions is stirring havoc but I am glad many of us realize and we speak openly and all came to a consensus that what he did is not right. That's what happens when we all open up and speak with a clear mind and listen and not be blinded by some untrue facts or denials. I am glad though my colleagues are able to do that, if not I guess many will find the workplace an unpleasant one. I am glad though my NM knows whats happening. Thank God. Ouh do be warned, the walls not only have ears now! They own mobile phones....LoL!

Currently, I am glad though many things is coming to a happy ending. Many of my friends is getting hitched(just like me teeeheeee). Even Leo who once mentioned he never thought of marriage but I guess when you found the perfect one for you, everything change, right Leo? hehehe... And I am glad too that Halem is once again happy with Yati, alhamdullilah....as long as you are happy my friend, so am I. This year 2009, brings about many good things, Alhamdullilah as compared to past years. I hope the following years will be better as I feel we might be the last few generations who will get to enjoy this earth which is slowly graying and dying due to civilization. I just hope the brains of the worlds can save what humans have destroyed unknowingly...InsyahAllah, so that future generations can survive and enjoy the earth.

Back to my life now(after all its my blog, so it has got to be about me right? hehehe) Currently, my only concern is that everything goes well on 2nd January, it's mainly for mom, it's more like her dream to see the wedding of her eldest son, the one she brought up single-handedly. For me, I just want a happy future, a family of my own and of course spend the rest of my life with my love, Nurain. I just hope for health and happiness. Anyways, I really hope everything will go as planned, if anyone have any plans to ruin it please turn back and spare my mom a thought. :)

Good night peeps....ouh I hope Ain will recover from the conjuctivitis soon cos' I miss her so.....:)

till date.

2009-11-17T23:14:00.002+08:00

Till date, I still live my dream and hopes it'll be a reality one day. To do what I love as a living, totally love, like as in I'd enjoy every single sec of it.

It's not that I do not like my current job. In fact I love it. It's just that sometimes you have no say, you have to follow, even though 'we' know what is right or rather a better way of doing things. I enjoy my current job, it's just that it has it's limitations. If I am my own boss, I govern my own progression, my own development and I am fully responsible for everything. It is tough I know but I think I will like it better but one big worry is the tendency to slack off when we are a little comfortable, probably that's why sometimes it's better to be employed.

As before, I always wanted to try it part time first. As of today, I have yet still to find out what I wanna do. But meanwhile I am looking for avenues to earn extra income to fund my so-called 'dreams'. I am not wishing to be rich(of course everyone would love to be), I just want to be a master of my own and push myself to the limits, like racing and running.

I have only one in mind right now in order to get that extra income. Real-estate. It is something new but I guess it is the more flexible option with less hassle as compared to some other I have given a try. It is more like an individual thingy, whereby if you don't earn your 'pasal' and you won't feel like an outcast of a 'group'. And of course it's flexibility also means I can juggle full-time job and family come next year.

I don't care if any say I am too ambitious and I might just be dreaming. I feel everything starts with a dream. Even if I don't ultimately make it a reality, I know I have given it a shot, in fact more than once and is still trying. At least I won't leave this world knowing I did not try.

Love Ya Frens

2009-11-14T22:22:00.002+08:00

It's been some time since we hung out, though the movie suck last night, you guys make my day. Love ya all.

Today I played the sick role....I hate being sick, I hate to go on MC(surprisingly when I am really sick). I hate not being able to do things and just lay myself dead on this king-size mattress. I hate not being resilient to viral attacks. I just hate feeling so weak. I can't imagine those down with terminal illness, I can't imagine those with disabling chronic diseases like heart-related problems, COPD, etc. Kudo's to you guys for staying life, keep going on and still functional to your own respective roles, some a father, some a son, some a beloved wife who run chores daily that I'd never enjoy doing. Because of all these people I shall not brood over just a common flu that brought me down.

Tomorrow if I am well enough, I will kick back with my Tampines-Pasir Ris-Tampines route. I just gotta loose that gut, really, daily dose of polished delicious white rice is not helping, gotta loose that too, I'll substitute with whole grain loaves and oats. Just one month left, I'll do what I can.

My love, I miss you so much. Hope you have a great day today with your friends. Tomorrow I meet you ok?

bla bla bla bla

2009-11-13T12:38:00.001+08:00

bla bla bla, yak yak yak, ha ha ha.

Hahahahha

2009-11-11T11:40:00.002+08:00

Farnie.....

Anyways yesterday was a really long day man....

The first half of the day was with the in-laws, ain, shikin(her sister) and their 2 adorable nephew and niece.

Morning: ROMM to confirm our registeration

Afternoon: Lunch at BK followed by to caterer's house in Woodlands to make downpayments.

Evening: Ain's auntie'a place in Bedok to give out invitations and MAKAN! LoL followed by to NTUC cos Ain's mom needed to get Haziq's milk powder.

By 7-ish in the bus, I was already dozing off a little as I was dead tired only to be awaken by nelly's voice...LoL. Maghrib and then left for swensen's bugis cos they wanted to give taibah her birthday present. Had ice-cream! Ok that's like a reward for the day. LoL

Left at about 10.30pm? or maybe slightly later. DEAD tired already but Ratnor smsed earlier asking to join him skate, has been unable to join him so many times, so I thought why not, maybe for an hour, since the weather is good and I am already out. But hey the skate session was a little refreshing....sorry dear I have to abandon you but lucky you had a book with you to read while this two overgrown 'boys' enjoy themselves at the skatepark!

I think yesterday's annual leave was really well spent, managed to squeeze in all in one day!

Not A Racist.

2009-11-10T06:26:00.002+08:00

LoL....nothing the title has nothing to do with what I am going to write.

After browsing through forums and webbies...I realize there is still passion in me for photography and racing alike. It's just that time and money doesn't allow me to do so. Probably later, in the near future. Wifey, you'd still let me right? hehehehe...

If I have the luxury of doing so, definitely I will cos I know my potential is way of what I had done before. Of course la I know I won't win any maybe a hopeful third or 5th as long as I get to the podium is good enough but then again its not totally about winning. It is about pushing one self, realizing your limitations and at the same time your perseverance and endurance perhaps. Next year, I will participate in as many as I can, not racing lah(cos racing needs moolahs) but runs. It does me good, although I don't see my waistline decreasing but I am alot alert nowadays and I last longer. Apart from being a little more healthier with a stronger heart it also tests my determination. And I do feel too, in this runs/races your mental tolerance/endurance is stretched and pushed to the limits. Over time you get mentally stronger and boy it does play apart in daily life believe me.

I am glad, I have a running partner...thanks for being mine. :) and this running partner of mine is going to be my life partner as well! How convenient is that. We just completed 10km together, half marathon next year maybe? hehehehe

Kla napping awhile before going off to ROMM for that dreaded I dunno what interview. Its more like fear of the unknown now...

Crap

2009-11-09T22:29:00.002+08:00

hahaha crap just crap......in life we have choices, you don't have to do if you don't want to but if you need to cos it means to earn a living, thats different.

or for instance reservist...no choice...LoL....last time the boys like to say 'Lan-lan'

Mom you've been wonderful, I think till today you are still the one who understands me best. Sorry Ain, you second place....LoL....

With a month plus left....I admit, I am kinda nervous, I hope everything goes well cos we really kicked it off all by ourselves and lucky nuff along the way people offered us help. Thank God it lessen the burden. And along the way too unnecessary issues popped out too but am glad all is solved.

I can't wait for a life of my own, my own home, my own family and I bet I'd be very occupied starting off this new life, so way before anything start, I hope my dear friends understands, let us settle everything first, settle down a little and be a little comfortable first. Different people have different pace, style and ways of doing things, you have to accept that not everyone can juggle everything alongside responsibilities and all.

Kla, kinda tired, tumoro got interview at ROMM...wonder what they'll ask...hehehe

Ouh I think I need a haircut....it's neither long nor short and its getting irritating... LoL

urbanized

2009-11-05T12:12:00.002+08:00

I'm glad we had the talk last night, I'm glad we opened up. Solved alot of misunderstandings.

Anyways, she said I should go ahead and try Urbanathlon but of course the entry is rather pricey @$128. And right now, my wallet's in shackles and locks but sure it is tempting. I just want to test my self, my endurance, my perseverance, my limits. While I am young and able, I'd love to try.

The other issue is one of the obstacles, everything else is alright, can be done though the 12.5km might weaken me. It is the wall that is the problem, I had difficulty when I was in army, even when I was wearing those army boots with supposedly more traction and does make me a little taller by probably and inch? LoL....where can I find 1.8m walls to train? I just don't wanna get stuck at that particular obstacle.

Here are the obstacles in Urbanathlon:

Obstacle 1: Jumping Start
Leap across five rows of road barricades.

Your task is as follows:

1. Get up and over each of the five 1-metre high barricades.
2. Both feet MUST touch the ground between each barricade.

Obstacle 2: Wall Street
Scale a 1.8m high wall and get to the other side.

Your task is as follows:

1. Get up and over the wall.
2. You are NOT permitted to use any outside support structures.

Obstacle 3: Monkey Business
Swing across the 6m long monkey bars, to get from one side to the other.

1. You must traverse the monkey bars and get to the other side without touching the ground.
2. You must use each of the 12 rungs as you make your way to the other side. No skipping rungs.
3. Once you have successfully completed the monkey bars, you may continue on with the course.
4. If you are unsuccessful in your first attempt, you are required to make another attempt and queue behind other participants for your turn.
5. If your second attempt proves unsuccessful, Race Staff will direct you to the penalty area, where you will be required to complete 12 push-ups before being permitted to continue on with the event.

Obstacle 4: Corporate Ladder
Ascend and descend a 6-storey high flight of steps twice.

Your task is as follows:

1. You will follow a marked route to the top of the flight of stairs.
2. If you encounter participants in the right lane (aka the “fast lane”) who are moving at a slower pace, please call out, “On your right.” As a courtesy, all participants are required to move to the left when they hear this.

Obstacle 5: Tyred Out
Run through a row of tyres without stepping on the tyres or skipping any tyres.

Your task is:

1. Run a row of tyres “stutter-step” style, touching the ground inside of each consecutive tyre.
2. You are free to select any row of tyres you desire in each stutter-step section. A “row” is defined as two tyres wide by eight tyres long.
3. You are NOT permitted to skip a tyre or run on top of the tyres.
4. Failure to adhere to these rules will require that you redo the obstacle from the beginning.

Obstacle 6: Leap of Faith
Leap off a platform into the Kallang river and wade through shallow waters back to land.

Your task is as follows:

1. Leap off a wooden platform into waters around 1 metre deep. No diving is allowed.
2. Wade 30 metres through shallow waters to the beach. No swimming is allowed.

Obstacle 7: Down & Dirty
Crawl through a large mud pit and run to the finish line in a blaze of glory!

Your task is as follows:

1. Leopard crawl under a net 0.5 metres high through a 10-metre mudpit.

Urbanathlon 2010

2009-11-04T01:12:00.003+08:00

Tempted.....wifey-to-be, should I? Do you think I can complete the race? The wall is my greatest fear! Check out Men's Health Urbanathlon!

Life-savers

2009-11-01T23:31:00.001+08:00

"...if anyone saved a life, it's as if he saved the life of all mankind.." ~ Qur'an, 5:32

...

2009-11-01T23:00:00.000+08:00

30 years of age, i still have lots to learn.

lazy, lethargic

2009-11-01T12:02:00.002+08:00

Feel so lazy and lethargic these days....

Probably cos of the preparations and more like mentally drained of having to think about so many things and to ensure nothing cocks up on the actual day.

I need that run this week.....my last run was last tuesday....need it to expel all this lazy bug out and the weakling feeling....

Fooh but I am glad though almost settled....I can safely say so...

Few things need to settle:
1. fold and put the cards into envelopes + sending out.
2. discuss with Jai(my vw driver) and place deposit maybe.
3. pack all the gifts for the hantaran
4. final discussion with MSS for the decor and final deposit.
5. discuss with my aunties for their various contributions to be put together.
6. photoshoot with Haiqal
7. review playlist by Leo(thnks dude and congrats)

Ouh congrats Leo & Mar on their engagement....it's about time Leo!

Hahahaha ok see ya guys, time for my caffeine fix.

Yeayness

2009-10-27T10:37:00.003+08:00

Yeayness, I did again at 5minutes faster plus I met Mr.Nathan towards the end. And of course ended it all with a huge breakfast! Hotcakes & sausage plus ice-cream on top! Woohooo....

The first 5 was a breeze...then after the 7th mental fatigue sets in but the rock and roll on the ipod kept me pushing, then after the 8th I saw Mr.President and his bodyguard, we said good morning to each other and the last 1km the hotcakes was my motivation, I thought to myself I gotta earn that hotcakes and wala I finished the 10, I did it again! This time at 5minutes faster! wooohooo...I hope I can achieve my goal next year!

motivational thoughts

2009-10-27T07:04:00.001+08:00

if i can do it a few days ago, i can do it again. if i can do it a few days ago, i can do it again. if i can do it a few days ago, i can do it again. go go go......

Freak

2009-10-25T01:26:00.002+08:00

Can you imagine the first runner? He like ran 10km in about 31mins and he is the first by far in Singapore and around the world of those who participated in the Human Race. Freak! LoL.....

racist

2009-10-24T05:17:00.002+08:00

I was called a racist.....'you see color is it?' screamed my patient pointing at his skin. I was furious because that's not what I am. In fact some of my favorite patients comes from all races. I hate it when someone accuses me of what I am not. being me just naturally me, I guess the way I was brought up, I explain how am I not, being a patient, he got agitated, I left him, that's how it works...he flared up, I'd like to do the same but hey he's a patient, not worth it. At the end of the day before I left, that particular patient approached me at his own will, apologized and hugged me, I can't believe my eyes welled up a little at his sincerity. At work, I can be firm but when they are at their best behaviors, I am more like their friend and someone they'd wanna talk to....some know me by 'Muhammad', 'Sidek', 'Baba' or even 'Abdullah'. Whatever they call me, I believe I am always fair to them, even the most irritating one. From my personal experience, although they are residents of where I work, when it comes to sincerity you can feel it alright. It is something remarkable Allah s.w.t has provided us with....for after all, all of us are human beings, only some disadvantaged in certain aspect...

Im no champion but....

2009-10-20T08:54:00.002+08:00

....but i love green day X queen

Green Day coming to town!

2009-10-14T06:16:00.001+08:00

Green Day coming to town in January and I hope they play the old skool stuffs. I don't really like the new green day.

Thnks Yan

2009-10-13T23:44:00.005+08:00

My future sis-in law came up with this design, I merely edited, adjusted and custom it to fit my 4 fold A4 paper wedding invitation card type. Why? Save the environment! LoL but on a serious note, budget constraints and I prefer DIY cos you save lots and you get what you like. Pretty simple but I like!

My own, which I think will be used for my relatives, the previous for friends.

Theres also for my lomo peeps...hehehe

and the pigeons one which I cant seem to be able to upload. will try again.

gnite peeps...

Kawan

2009-10-10T10:01:00.001+08:00

Ahli Fiqir

2009-10-10T07:35:00.002+08:00

Hehehe...Ahli Fiqir pon I like! hehehe cos of their lyrics and catchy beats partly. The fusion of classic music with hip hop is really cleverly done. The malay proverbs they add in to their lyrics also amazingly blend in. And what's more their song is something we all can relate to. Just like the previous video I posted, 'Angguk2 Geleng2'.

BEP

2009-10-10T07:25:00.004+08:00

hahaha I don't really like most mainstream music due its sole effort to sell records and thus lose the real touch, they are more concern about getting people to hear their records I feel(at times lah). But anyways this one is a good one to run to, hehehe maybe will be part of my run list. This morning it just keeps the adrenalin pumping positive somehow.....:) plus the video's pretty cool! =) and fergie's hot! Lol

Alhamdullilah

2009-10-09T15:53:00.007+08:00

Allhamdullilah, clearly AllahuAkbar. God is great, I passed 27/30, pretty good for a first try. When I went to work a kind soul actually told me what to expect and what roughly they would ask, I read thru yest but now I know where to focus on and his tips were very fruitful although I can say the test was pretty easy cos most of them came back to mind with ease. It's amazing how even a non-muslim can actually be so kind to a muslim and I didn't even ask, I merely asked him where the venue of the test is, he offered help. Thank God.

I said before the horoscope section is more like an entertainment to me but at times it coincidentally matches with what is going on. Like for today, gee its like a sign of what exactly I should do. Of course I am not taking guidance from a mere horoscope, it is wrong to do so in Islam but in my prayers I did ask for help and maybe this is just the help I needed, a sign, a suggestion I could use.

This was what appeared on the Life section of the Straits Times. I am amazed of its relevance by God's will this purely coincidental incident does tally.

Capricorn-'An odd comment comes your way, most likely pretty late, that you need to force yourself to ignore -- or at least to see the lighter side of! You've got the maturity to handle it, and things should settle down soon.'

Even a good friend of mine that I seek yesterday told me, simmer down and take that insult as a constructive criticism. Thanks dude.

I think I have to teach my loved ones to ignore as well, although its easier said than done but I guess and I hope itd work that way. Let them enjoy their fun, let them enjoy their feast but we shall not be eaten alive. When it reaches there we WILL defend ourselves. Even our last Prophet Muhammad said something like " ....Do not oppress and DO NOT BE OPPRESSED" I guess there is a time when we have to stand up.

And lastly again said by our last prophet:
"It is unworthy of a Muslim to injure people's reputation; it is unworthy to curse anyone; it is unworthy to abuse anyone; and it is unworthy of a Muslim to talk vainly."
— Prophet Muhammad

"Do not say that if the people do good to us, we will do good to them and if the people oppress us, we will oppress them but determine that if people do good to you, you will do good to them and if they oppress you, you will not oppress them."
— Prophet Muhammad

“Say what is true, although it may be bitter and displeasing to people."
— Prophet Muhammad

:)

2009-10-09T01:12:00.003+08:00

At least there were some smiles today. I really can't bear seeing my wifey-to-be tearing. I kept wondering what have we done or rather I done this time round to deserve all this nonsense? And as usual, it's denial once again, the tables turned and we are the ultimate criminal eh? Alah, biarkan lah, nanti dah penatkan diam but of course la I can't take it to see my dear one to be affected. I am affected as well, I am pissed seh, what did I do to deserve an insult? I thought I made peace eons ago?

Anyways this blog is meant for me to say what I feel or rather ventilate. Yes I admit I did something wrong awhile ago but I don't see what have I done to deserve what WE are getting now. It hurts much more for my dear one to be pulled into the ditch. It hurts much more to see her tearing, sometimes I feel its my fault. I even asked one of my close fren do I really belong to that extreme category? that I deserve such an insult? I thank God my bunch of friends are not like that, although they utter nonsense half the time and the jokes they make some would find it weird or even rude but they are the most sensible bunch on earth. Simple, I said I have something important, they understood and accept my explanation and even counter offered if I can join halfway thru. Salut to them, Love you people. I guess they know what I am going thru and did went thru so thats why but then again I think they are just kind bunch of people.

I'm glad the bond we made in our relationship were so strong that this 'test' actually made us stronger. As a husband-to-be naturally I will defend her of course if she had done nothing wrong. We don't take sides and I myself had received a dose from her myself. I am tired of explaining how we are. It's just that I don't understand what had we done to deserve all this and I hate that recurring migraine for something so unnecessary. In the first place I repeat, what had we done? Is it wrong to be a little uncomfortable, a little more careful and honest? Still in my mind, what had we done wrong to deserve all this???

Frankly I'd apologize if I did, I did before and I do not have any problem in doing so if I did wrong. I don't see why my close friends can understand me not turning up for a couple of meet ups they asked and some cannot. Can't they take no for an answer? Even sometimes I had to say 'no' to Ain cos either I am too tired or too many things to handle and sometimes we had to compromise like instead of town, we just stay put around the area. I think that's the understanding we have in some of us, that's why even now almost 15years down the road we are still friends. Of course there were bumpy roads in between but we always make peace after that.

God I wish I can sleep and lay down to rest but I can't help this troubling me. I wished we didn't even take notice and I pray to You God they'd be more understanding than to straight away hurl hurtful words and in the end we still end up as the criminals. I have had enough, please....I don't wanna whine anymore. My childhood wasn't pleasant so was growing up, now I am almost there to my happiness and you want to destroy it? Who in the right mind is not bothered if she is marrying someone whom ppl think negatively off? Although wrongfully accused still, its an accusation, still the label is there yet AGAIN.

I am glad not all are like that, I am glad that some are sensible enough to figure out maybe we are just plain busy. I am glad some can take no for an answer. And I am glad that some of my friends are pro-choice, meaning allowing us to have a choice. I am glad I still have friends who are concerned and bring me to calm and told me an insult can be a constructive criticism.

I am sure God the Almighty will show us the way. I am sure there's a way although my positivity side is almost gone already, it was on the way up after receiving promising replies on first Shawal but I guess all those now is just flushed down the toilet. Tonight I go to sleep, please show me if it is me who had done wrong. If it is me, I am sorry all and including my dear Ain. If it is not me please show them that we had not done anything wrong to deserve this and never did we not tell the truth about us not being able to make it. For me, I think all this wouldn't had happened if I wasn't so naive to innocently thought what I did was ok back then.

So the question is, must we always comply, must we always please others to prevent ourselves from harm? Must we? Must we apologize for something we have not done? Must we be punished for something we had not done? I don't know la really.

Tomorrow's my e-test and I am not 1 bit bothered by it, instead I am still bothered by this issue, I am still bothered to see the look of my dear one's face, the tears welling up in her eyes and the creases the skin on her forehead forms as she tries to figure out why and tries to think of a solution and tries to instill some more positivity into me. Frankly if it's not for her, bye bye is the answer but I'd still try to keep it positive but I still can't help wondering what have we done to deserve that extreme end? And it's again coming from the same source, the only one.

Nurain, if not for your strength, I do not know what would have become of us. Alhamdullilah. Amin.

OMG

2009-10-08T09:38:00.003+08:00

just came back from night duty....sorry leo can't join dinner...heh, thnks for asking anyways.

when i went online and heard what's going on, OMG in caps....ya'Allah kenapa la eh? apa salah kita siot? bertubi-tubi dia kasi, macam perang plak......aku dah kena tak puas, skarang pasangan aku pulak kene attack.....pelik, tapi benar...

aku hairan, betul2 hairan, tak sangka, betul2 tak sangka. tapi apakan daya, apa nak buat. biarkan sajalah, yng penting kita tau kita tak salah, yng penting aku tau pasanganku tak begitu sepertimana tuduhan yng dikenakan.

inilah dunia, apa nak buat, terima je la...cubaan....

sebut2 cobaaan teringat plak filem p.ramlee.....shahreil amcams ada p.ramlee marathon kat rumah kau one day? bagui tak idea aku? hehehehe....

okla nak main bejeweled japs, pas tu nak bobok....bangun kene study, besok ada test. betul test, kau tak salah dengar....aku cakap aku sibok kau tak percaya, nak pasang camera per kat bontot aku baru percaya? LoL......umur dah masuk 30 pun masih ada periksa, november ada presentation lagi kene siapkan, tak termasuk persiapan perkahwinan, tapi pasal nak dapat kat sponsor untuk advance diploma aku, terpaksa la buat sebaik2nye....insyahallah dapatlah sponsor...hehehehehe doakan la eh kawan2... terima kasih. Amin!

perlukah?

2009-10-07T16:05:00.004+08:00

To think that the recent headaches(some unnecessary) came from close ones(one even blood related). It is really necessary? to pretend? I don't know la but all I know is I never step on anyone's foot so why am I appearing like the bloody ones with horns and a pitch fork? Anything wrong with being reserved and careful? Anything wrong with trying to settle all that I have now before coming back? Don't anyone understand that I plan my own wedding, hunt for everything pretty much myself, save up myself(of course some of my aunties lighten my burden a little by sponsoring stuffs such as kompang). Why can't anyone understand?

If anyone can be back to normal as if nothing happened after an incident immediately. Whoah but for me it takes time, I said before and working shifts doesn't help either. So does working shifts makes me the devil? Does being unable to comply and please others makes me the devil? Does not going to something you wouldn't enjoy make you the fucken devil? WTH. Hanya Tuhan Sahaja yang tahu.

I don't know la, there's lots on my mind to think about right now, getting married is not an easy thingy especially when ure handling it urself. But if people choose to not understand and think negatively, so be it. Aku dah tak kuasa, dah penat. Skarang nie pon mengigil tak tau asal, mungkin karena dihina, mungkin karena disalah sangka, mungking kerana dituduh pemutus silahturahim. Aku hanya mampu mengeluh kepada Dia sahaja.

Ntahla cheetah.....aku pon tak tau apa nak jadi. Cuba jadi neutral tapi kena macam2, pernahkah mereka cerminkan kata2 yng mereka pernah lepaskan? Kita boleh menipu orang lain, tapi menipu diri sendiri tidak mungkin. Kalau omputeh cakap apa tu, conscience?

Do we have to comply just to 'sedapkan' hati orang ramai? Do we? If I had something more important should I cancel it to 'sedapkan' hati orang? If it is something I do not like doing would I still comply and not say what I think? In the first place was I given a chance to do so, say what I think? I think not. So why the accusations and insults? Is it even necessary?

Me and Ain, even as a couple we take our stand. She say what she thinks of what I am doing is not right, being human it takes me a little time to analyze and after I know clearly what she is trying to say and knows that I am at fault, I apologize and try to make things better. I too do tell her what I do not like and I do make my stand and if its negative, she'd point out. The thing is both of us is so used to being frank to each other and how can that be we can't handle the truth? Do not say what you do not know is going on. Clarify before loading your machine guns with hurtful ammos. I had my say. I am just hurt, I guess the apologies that came from my heart, pagi raya doesn't even mean a thing to everyone.

By the way if you think NurAin lies, this is what I think she deserves my name more than anyone else, Siddiq(yang benar/truth). I can't even remember when she last lied.

Grandpa

2009-09-23T09:55:00.003+08:00

Ouh my grandpa's passed away and another is in JB.

I wanna talk bout my nenek's brother in law? I call him Tok also lah. Last Monday was the first time I met him, he's still young I guess late 50s? Anyways what he said was an inspiration, funny we have similar thoughts. I have always wanted to be my own boss, in other words own something like a business or something. It's tough especially in Singapore. No I don't want to be in food business like some of my uncles although it can bring in quite a fair share but it's tough work and you'll miss out on alot of stuffs.

Anyways, Tok(I didnt get his name, sheesh) had similar thoughts like mine when he was young, he too back then was working as an employee. He too had dreams back then which he never thought he could do it but he kept keeping the dreams in the back of his head till one day he managed to pull it off and now living comfortably with quite a number of workers under his hand. It's all in the mind, he kept saying that. I'd like to be there too someday, hopefully, InsyahAllah. After our last prophet was a businessman himself.

Thank you Mom.

2009-09-18T23:08:00.003+08:00

As Syawal approaches and as Ramadan comes to an end, I can't help thinking bout my imperfect family life. Since I was 2years old, I was raised mainly by my mother with the help of my grandparents. I've never felt what it is like to have a father and a mother under one roof. I've never experienced 'salam' and giving hugs to both parents when I leave for work or school. I've never experienced having dinner together as a whole family. Even when my mom remarried, I never felt that cos partly I was old enough to know he's not my dad and to makes things worse he never really take me as his own son.

I am sure my parents have valid reasons for their separation. I am sure it was for the best and probably things could be worse if they remained together. I am not blaming them nor I am angry against my fate. It is just that I envy those families and I wonder how it feels like to have a proper family.

Come next year, I'll have my own but not as a son but as a husband and probably a father as well in the near future, InsyahAllah. In MY family, I will want my kids to experience a proper family life not like mine. I want them to have all the opportunities they can have. I wanna make sure I can provide for them with whatever I can, in all aspect including love. I don't want them to feel neglected and feel not normal in society(although that's only how the narrow minded think). I hope I can achieve that and make a difference in the future blood line.

I pity my siblings, Hazimah and Hazmi for now they are living with their step father cos their mom(whom is my stepmom from my dad's 2nd marriage which failed) passed away early this year due to chronic diabetes. I am glad though they are doing fine and I am glad because of nenek we are still in touch. I hope they do not frown upon their fate but take it as a lesson to bring to their future so as to make it a better one. I know they are smart enough and strong enough to face all challenges. I know they can do it and I hope they seek my help should there be a need.

I feel that I wasn't really a good son but I do want to be the best and hope to be one. I know what my mom wants to see and I know she hopes for the best for me. I hope my mom don't worry too much cos her son here knows how to fend for himself and is on the correct route now. And believe me mom, your son here has got all his plans laid before him, InsyahAllah it'd all go well.

Thanks mom for the upbringing, the values you shared, the strength you passed to me, for without you, I don't think I am where I am now.

More good over bad part II

2009-09-17T23:44:00.003+08:00

Yesterday, as I was thinking about how unpleasant my life was since young. Then came to me this wonderful thought that although my life was pretty unpleasant, I actually have some or more pleasant experiences in it. I was actually happy at some points of my life. Thanks to God for granting me the wonderful people around me.

I shall not whine about the unpleasantness in my life cos I don't see a point in doing so.

Thank God for the following that happened in my life:

-First of all thank God for the greatest mom in the whole wide world who brought me up single handedly and managed to get me to where I am today. Believe me, I am not an easy one to bring up.
-Thank God for my strong mental state to go through all the craps in life.
-Thank God I managed to get my 5 credits at O-level although I barely studied cos I don't care much back then.
-Thank God that I completed my Mechanical Engineering Diploma even though its not what I wanted.
-Thank God for being through some crap in army which in a way got me a little stronger mentally and physically.
-Thank God for the wonderful friends and people around me.
-Thank God for the horrible people around me who showed me how ugly we can become if I behaved like them.
-Thank God for a good friend-Iskandar and his mom for providing me with cheap accommodation when I decided I had enough with my step-father's nonsense.
-Thank God for nursing for it made me a better person and it gave me a stable job.
-Thank God for the many accidents that I escaped with minor injuries only.
-Thank God that I never went hungry all these years.
-Thank God for my cousin that offered me free accommodation.
-Thank God for interest in photography which led to the following.
-Thank God for Hairul and Ross and film-photography, if not for them, I wouldn't have met Ain.

And thank God for Nurain, it's definitely worth the wait and going through many unpleasant relationship experiences and of course thank God for the future life we'd be sharing which also probably means a new beginning to many more pleasant journeys. Insya'Allah.

More good over bad.

2009-09-17T23:30:00.003+08:00

I was furious today at work, angry although I have to admit I was partly at fault. Then why be angry you may ask? It is because when my superior asked me for an explanation, he didn't really want to listen, in fact he pick out the mistakes from there and although acknowledge the correct things that I did, he really 'pinned' me down on my mistakes although I was not at total fault and I did the necessary to 'protect' myself from being liable. Urggghh...why bother asking when you do not want to listen, just tell me off lah, isn't that alot easier?

And please lah, I beg, you don't have to tailgate me everywhere I go just because I did a minor mistake a couple of weeks ago, which again the same thing happened, explanation refused and still insist on his idea on why it went wrong. I did say and for goodness sake, there's witnesses that I did my job and it was a pure mistake and not that I took shortcuts and neglect my duties. For goodness sake, I am 30years old not some new kid whom just completed school and on his first job. If I left my previous line to join this one, I must have made some serious considerations and I must have plans to make this my job till I retire. Don't you have that tiny part of your brain masses that have space to digest some other ideas/explanation/watever la.....

I'm fine if you pointed out my mistake, I would apologize if it is purely my mistake and will try not to repeat again. Perhaps the next time I should have recorded what I said and the sincere apology that I expressed then replay it again to remind you that I do admit fault if it is mine totally!

Although the incident today affected me, I thought to myself, I did manage to 'escape' and 'redo' in many occasion. So yeah I shall not brood over the few bad instances/experiences at work.

Now I will refuse to speak up my thoughts and ideas, if I have any, I will post it anonymously. I don't see any appreciation in doing so, I will only be doing it for the sake of good and benefit of me and my immediate colleagues.

Now I just hope I really have that drive to get a degree when I am able to(financially and mentally). Then, when the time is right, I wanna teach or if there is a better opportunity outside of Singapore, I'd leave if my other half is agreeable.

Talented!

2009-09-11T14:50:00.002+08:00

Alhamdullilah.

2009-09-11T14:08:00.005+08:00

Alhamdullilah, to see the mosque filled up even on a rainy day. Alhamdullilah that many Muslim men are now flocking the mosque for Friday prayers even though it's in between their school time, work hours, etc. Thank God. Alhamdullilah they took this opportunity in Ramadan, the last 10days.

Too bad, Darul Ghufran at Tampines is a tad too small for its huge Muslim(cos there are plenty of non-malay muslims as well) community down here. Some had to brave the drizzle by praying outside in the field on canvas sheets.

But to those who chit-chat along the way not listening to the sermon, those kids who played with their games on their handphones(some sms) and one even played his PSP And to the selfish brothers who did not stand as close as possible to each other to close the gaps in the 'Saf' depriving space of the brothers behind, please be more kind and thoughtful, that little space of comfort space of yours can make space for one more brother who might not have space to even pray behind.

The Imam even said to the masses before the start of the sermon, even if you utter a single word during the sermon, your 'Ibadah' is not as those who listened. Friday prayers are accompanied with a sermon, to share amongst Muslim brothers messages or lessons that is useful and informative for us Muslims. If you talk(or not pay attention) means you loose out and not only that you disrupt the peace or even make other Muslim brothers hard to concentrate or listen even if they really want to. He also mentioned to 'rapatkan saf' meaning to close the gaps in between so that you can make space for the other Muslim brothers who might not have space behind.

I take this opportunity on this world wide web, as a chance to reach out to Muslims who is reading out there, spread the message to your male member in the family. Please spare a thought for brothers who came for the Friday prayers and not attending for the sake of attending. Please tell your kids if they want to play their games or chit chat please stay at home or at least pay respect if they still wanna come. Please dear Muslim brothers spare a thought about the people behind who might not have space, move yourself closer to the next person beside you so you can make space for one more in that row or maybe even more than one more brother.

Alhamdullilah to those who attended the Friday prayers but if you come for the sake of coming or because your parents told you so, at least spare a thought for the brothers behind who is deprived of space. I also hope that the masses today will keep coming more frequent so that in the long run, the authorities will take note and maybe build another mosque or just do an expansion. Because if the mosques is only filled up during Ramadan, I think they might have difficult time deciding to expand or even build another one cos they don't see a need. I hope this entry gets to the masses, Insyha'Allah.

Last but not least, Syukran for the space God provided me just now and thank you to the brother next to me for squeezing a little more, told the brother next to him to move and suggested me to adjust the position of the standing fan so I can have space. God will repay your kindness I am sure, Insya'Allah. Amin.

Oceansize rocks.

2009-09-08T11:09:00.001+08:00

RJD2

2009-09-08T10:13:00.001+08:00

Help, I'm Alive

2009-09-08T05:27:00.001+08:00

I tremble
They're gonna eat me alive
If I stumble
They're gonna eat me alive

Can you hear my heart beating like a hammer?
Beating like a hammer?
Help, I'm alive, my heart keeps beating like a hammer
Hard to be soft
Tough to be tender

Come take my pulse, the pace is on a runaway train
Help, I'm alive, my heart keeps beating like a hammer
Beating like a hammer

If you're still alive
My regrets are few
If my life is mine
What shouldn't I do?
I get wherever I'm going
I get whatever I need
While my blood's still flowing
And my heart still beats...
Beating like a hammer
Beating like a hammer

Help, I'm alive, my heart keeps beating like a hammer
Hard to be soft
Tough to be tender

Come take my pulse, the pace is on a runaway train
Help, I'm alive, my heart keeps
Beating like a hammer
Beating like a hammer

If you're still alive
My regrets are few
If my life is mine
What shouldn't I do?
I get wherever I'm going
I get whatever I need
While my blood's still flowing
And my heart still beats...
Beating like a hammer
Beating like a hammer
Beating like a hammer
Beating like a hammer

Help, I'm alive, my heart keeps beating like a hammer